Whenever you are making a move or advancing the relationship, DON'T ASK!
You need to be assertive and stay in control. For every question you could ask, you can be assertive and use a statement instead.
Examples:
"What's your home phone number?"
...should be
"Let's exchange numbers so we can go get that cup of coffee."
(If you prefer not to "exchange" numbers, then tell her to give it to you.)
"Can you go out this weekend?"
and
"Do you want to go ice skating?"
...should be
"Hey, let's go ice skating this Thursday or Friday."
In short, every "can you" and "do you want to" and "I was wondering if you" needs to be abolished from your vocabulary! Make statements - don't ask questions.
What is the point of this tip?
It's so you can get used to being assertive. Simple changes in words have a powerful effect -- and not only does it affect those you speak to, but it helps you understand where the control lies. It lies with you.
And you'll get turned down a lot less.
Guaranteed!
trackback, pingback and ref back
Read more!
Sunday, October 19, 2008
Saturday, October 18, 2008
The Secret to How Do People Meet Other People
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by Joseph Matthews
Back in the day when I was a lonely, clueless loser who'd spend his weeknights sitting hunched over the computer viewing internet porn instead of interacting with society, I used to wonder: "How do people meet each other?"
To me, this question was on the same level as "Which came first, the chicken or the egg?" and "If a tree falls in the forest with no one around, does it make a sound?" It was basically a question one could never truly know the answer to. Though, every time I would go out in public and see guy after guy with their girlfriends and wives, I would be reminded of this question.
How do people meet each other?
Or more specifically, how do guys meet women? What does everyone else know that I don't? Why am I alone and they are with somebody? What is the secret?
Once I decided to take control of my life and make a concerted effort to meet women, I discovered the secret. And it's a secret that's so simple, so obvious, that I wonder why I didn't know it before. Some of you out there reading this probably already know the secret, some might be like I was and not be aware of it. But when you hear it, this secret will make perfect sense. So are you ready to hear it? The secret to meeting other people is...
You talk to them.
Was I right? Is it obvious? I know it may seem rather simplistic, but this is probably the single most important notion there is when it comes to getting a girlfriend/wife/booty call, or what have you. If you do not talk to someone, you will never MEET them.
And you can't have a relationship with someone you never meet.
The simple act of talking to a woman can lead to so many different things:
You get a glimpse into her personality
You find out what you two have in common
You get to see if there's any chemistry between the two of you
You give yourself an opening to get her contact information
You establish a level of trust and comfort that will allow you to ask her out later on
All this from the simple act of moving your mouth and having words come out!
It is because of this concept that I wrote my book, The Art Of Approaching, because there is so much to know about meeting women. You can talk to them, but what if they don't respond favorably? What if you run out of stuff to talk about? What if you can't even think of something to talk about at all?
This is where the concept of the "opener" comes in.
I've talk about openers in other newsletters before, and I go into extreme detail about them in my book. But having a good opener is too important a concept just to let it go mentioned once or twice.
Without a good opener to use when meeting a woman, you're really rolling the dice and taking a chance that what you say to her initially will:
1. Get her to talk to you
2. Engage her in conversation
Maybe what you say will get her to respond with a "Yes or no" answer. If that's the case, where do you go from there?
Maybe what you have to say will get her to explain something to you, but will it really engage her in conversation? Will she continue to talk to you so you can establish that "trust and comfort" foundation you'll need to get her information?
These are the factors you have to take into account when you go about meeting a woman. Here are some examples of openers you want to avoid:
"Do you know where X is?"
"Do I know you from somewhere?"
"That's a nice X you're wearing."
"Do you come here often?"
The list goes on. But if you look at all those statements above, they don't really lead anywhere. They're not engaging, they're not interesting, and they will not help you get to know the woman you're talking to any better.
Here's a good opener for you to "test out" this weekend or whenever you're going out next. When you see a girl you like and want to meet, walk up to her and ask:
"Hey, I got a quick question. Do you read your horoscope?"
See how this opener differs from the ones above? You're not asking her an ordinary question she hears a million times a day, and there's an intriguing element to it. Most women are interested in horoscopes and other new-agey stuff, so even if they DON'T read their horoscope, they may be interested in why you're asking the question.
If she says YES, it is easy to ask her what her sign is and what her horoscope is telling her. This is great because she will be giving you information about herself that you can use to your advantage in the conversation.
If she says NO, ask her if she's ever checked her horoscope before and then ask her what her sign is.
No matter what she says, always follow up with "Hmmm. That's interesting..."
When she asks "Why?" say "Well, I don't want you to take this the wrong way, but you know what they say about Pisces (or Aries, or Scorpio, or whatever her sign is)?"
By now she'll be really interested. Follow up by saying "Pisces (Aries, etc.) women are the most sexual women out there."
Watch her reaction, and then follow up with a story to get the conversation flowing. Here's one I use:
"I know this because my ex girlfriend was a Pisces (Aries, whatever), and she was the most sexual woman you'll ever meet. We used to have so much fun together, doing all sorts of wild things, she was totally open to doing anything. I used to think it was just her, but every Pisces woman I've dated has always been really fun and sexual. What's the wildest thing you've ever done?"
See how that works? You set it up so that you present her with a role you want her to adopt (being sexual and fun and open to anything), and show it in a positive light. And even if she doesn't agree with your assessment of her sign, you're getting her to share with you what wild stuff she HAS done.
Before you know it, you're in a conversation!
Typically, you'll want to have three good openers to use one after another, all with follow-up stories to get the conversation flowing.
Read more!
Back in the day when I was a lonely, clueless loser who'd spend his weeknights sitting hunched over the computer viewing internet porn instead of interacting with society, I used to wonder: "How do people meet each other?"
To me, this question was on the same level as "Which came first, the chicken or the egg?" and "If a tree falls in the forest with no one around, does it make a sound?" It was basically a question one could never truly know the answer to. Though, every time I would go out in public and see guy after guy with their girlfriends and wives, I would be reminded of this question.
How do people meet each other?
Or more specifically, how do guys meet women? What does everyone else know that I don't? Why am I alone and they are with somebody? What is the secret?
Once I decided to take control of my life and make a concerted effort to meet women, I discovered the secret. And it's a secret that's so simple, so obvious, that I wonder why I didn't know it before. Some of you out there reading this probably already know the secret, some might be like I was and not be aware of it. But when you hear it, this secret will make perfect sense. So are you ready to hear it? The secret to meeting other people is...
You talk to them.
Was I right? Is it obvious? I know it may seem rather simplistic, but this is probably the single most important notion there is when it comes to getting a girlfriend/wife/booty call, or what have you. If you do not talk to someone, you will never MEET them.
And you can't have a relationship with someone you never meet.
The simple act of talking to a woman can lead to so many different things:
You get a glimpse into her personality
You find out what you two have in common
You get to see if there's any chemistry between the two of you
You give yourself an opening to get her contact information
You establish a level of trust and comfort that will allow you to ask her out later on
All this from the simple act of moving your mouth and having words come out!
It is because of this concept that I wrote my book, The Art Of Approaching, because there is so much to know about meeting women. You can talk to them, but what if they don't respond favorably? What if you run out of stuff to talk about? What if you can't even think of something to talk about at all?
This is where the concept of the "opener" comes in.
I've talk about openers in other newsletters before, and I go into extreme detail about them in my book. But having a good opener is too important a concept just to let it go mentioned once or twice.
Without a good opener to use when meeting a woman, you're really rolling the dice and taking a chance that what you say to her initially will:
1. Get her to talk to you
2. Engage her in conversation
Maybe what you say will get her to respond with a "Yes or no" answer. If that's the case, where do you go from there?
Maybe what you have to say will get her to explain something to you, but will it really engage her in conversation? Will she continue to talk to you so you can establish that "trust and comfort" foundation you'll need to get her information?
These are the factors you have to take into account when you go about meeting a woman. Here are some examples of openers you want to avoid:
"Do you know where X is?"
"Do I know you from somewhere?"
"That's a nice X you're wearing."
"Do you come here often?"
The list goes on. But if you look at all those statements above, they don't really lead anywhere. They're not engaging, they're not interesting, and they will not help you get to know the woman you're talking to any better.
Here's a good opener for you to "test out" this weekend or whenever you're going out next. When you see a girl you like and want to meet, walk up to her and ask:
"Hey, I got a quick question. Do you read your horoscope?"
See how this opener differs from the ones above? You're not asking her an ordinary question she hears a million times a day, and there's an intriguing element to it. Most women are interested in horoscopes and other new-agey stuff, so even if they DON'T read their horoscope, they may be interested in why you're asking the question.
If she says YES, it is easy to ask her what her sign is and what her horoscope is telling her. This is great because she will be giving you information about herself that you can use to your advantage in the conversation.
If she says NO, ask her if she's ever checked her horoscope before and then ask her what her sign is.
No matter what she says, always follow up with "Hmmm. That's interesting..."
When she asks "Why?" say "Well, I don't want you to take this the wrong way, but you know what they say about Pisces (or Aries, or Scorpio, or whatever her sign is)?"
By now she'll be really interested. Follow up by saying "Pisces (Aries, etc.) women are the most sexual women out there."
Watch her reaction, and then follow up with a story to get the conversation flowing. Here's one I use:
"I know this because my ex girlfriend was a Pisces (Aries, whatever), and she was the most sexual woman you'll ever meet. We used to have so much fun together, doing all sorts of wild things, she was totally open to doing anything. I used to think it was just her, but every Pisces woman I've dated has always been really fun and sexual. What's the wildest thing you've ever done?"
See how that works? You set it up so that you present her with a role you want her to adopt (being sexual and fun and open to anything), and show it in a positive light. And even if she doesn't agree with your assessment of her sign, you're getting her to share with you what wild stuff she HAS done.
Before you know it, you're in a conversation!
Typically, you'll want to have three good openers to use one after another, all with follow-up stories to get the conversation flowing.
Read more!
Are You Making These Body Language Mistakes with Your Hands?
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by John Alexander
Unfortunately, what you do with your hands can be one of the quickest non-verbal ways to destroy the attraction that a woman feels for you, because the wrong hand movements can communicate that you are a low-status, beta male.
To make matters worse, your hands can be particularly tough to manage because, let's face it, when you feel nervous, the hardest thing in the world is figuring out what to do with your hands!
For success with your dating and seduction of women, make sure you don't make the following body language mistakes with your hands.
MISTAKE ONE. Displaying your anxiety with your hands.
You do this when you:
1. Shred napkins.
2. Make your hands into fists.
3. Sit on your hands.
4. Hold something and play with it.
5. your fingers or thumbs.
6. Hold your hands unnaturally still.
7. Sit on your hands to avoid having the woman see them tremble.
Although you might be feeling nervous, the last thing you want to do is to let the woman detect you feel that way.
Instead you want to convey that you're calm and in control. Nothing attracts a woman more than a man who's laid back and confident.
MISTAKE TWO. Putting your fingers into your mouth.
When you bite your nails or otherwise chew on your fingers, you are, according to psychologists, doing the same thing that infants are doing when they suck their mother's breast.
For a baby, breast feeding provides comfort. When we became toddlers, our thumbs replaced our mom's nipple.
And then as adults, biting our thumbnail does the same thing. Ever noticed that when you're out in public, you mainly bite your nails when you're under pressure?
THE SOLUTION. Just hold your hands relaxed on the table.
Rest your forearms on the table, keeping your arms open and letting them drop forward.
Keep your hands and arms open and relaxed. Most of the time this means having them about 18 inches or half a meter apart, your palms facing each other, with fingers curved slightly upward.
As your palms face each other, they should also face the woman. Open palms convey honesty and being completely comfortable with yourself. Having the back of your hands facing her can often convey that you're hiding something.
Demonstrating your confidence can be as easy as that! Stop twiddling your thumbs and watch the women flock to you.
Read more!
Unfortunately, what you do with your hands can be one of the quickest non-verbal ways to destroy the attraction that a woman feels for you, because the wrong hand movements can communicate that you are a low-status, beta male.
To make matters worse, your hands can be particularly tough to manage because, let's face it, when you feel nervous, the hardest thing in the world is figuring out what to do with your hands!
For success with your dating and seduction of women, make sure you don't make the following body language mistakes with your hands.
MISTAKE ONE. Displaying your anxiety with your hands.
You do this when you:
1. Shred napkins.
2. Make your hands into fists.
3. Sit on your hands.
4. Hold something and play with it.
5. your fingers or thumbs.
6. Hold your hands unnaturally still.
7. Sit on your hands to avoid having the woman see them tremble.
Although you might be feeling nervous, the last thing you want to do is to let the woman detect you feel that way.
Instead you want to convey that you're calm and in control. Nothing attracts a woman more than a man who's laid back and confident.
MISTAKE TWO. Putting your fingers into your mouth.
When you bite your nails or otherwise chew on your fingers, you are, according to psychologists, doing the same thing that infants are doing when they suck their mother's breast.
For a baby, breast feeding provides comfort. When we became toddlers, our thumbs replaced our mom's nipple.
And then as adults, biting our thumbnail does the same thing. Ever noticed that when you're out in public, you mainly bite your nails when you're under pressure?
THE SOLUTION. Just hold your hands relaxed on the table.
Rest your forearms on the table, keeping your arms open and letting them drop forward.
Keep your hands and arms open and relaxed. Most of the time this means having them about 18 inches or half a meter apart, your palms facing each other, with fingers curved slightly upward.
As your palms face each other, they should also face the woman. Open palms convey honesty and being completely comfortable with yourself. Having the back of your hands facing her can often convey that you're hiding something.
Demonstrating your confidence can be as easy as that! Stop twiddling your thumbs and watch the women flock to you.
Read more!
Friday, October 17, 2008
Romance and Pizza
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by Nelson Razo
Everybody says that we men we are not as romantic as we need to be (especially women). Well... sometimes women find romantic a bunch of flowers, other times a nice watch, and others an expensive diamond.
What would you say if I told you that you can be romantic eating a big slice of pizza in front of her? Sounds tricky, doesn't it?
The thing is that to her you will be the most romantic man on the whole planet, but for you, there will be pizza and a cheap date!
OK, here is the trick.
Ask your significant other if she would like to join you at a local pizza place before or after a movie. Go to the restaurant ahead of time and explain that you're coming in at a certain time for a pizza, and tell them you'd like them to make the pizza into the shape of a heart.
I've tried this twice, and both times the cooks were more than happy to oblige for no extra cost (cause it makes their job more exciting).
Give the waitress a little nod when you come in with your date, and she'll come over with your pizza. It scores big points for sure!
Nelson Razo
raphtor_x@hotmail.com
Read more!
Everybody says that we men we are not as romantic as we need to be (especially women). Well... sometimes women find romantic a bunch of flowers, other times a nice watch, and others an expensive diamond.
What would you say if I told you that you can be romantic eating a big slice of pizza in front of her? Sounds tricky, doesn't it?
The thing is that to her you will be the most romantic man on the whole planet, but for you, there will be pizza and a cheap date!
OK, here is the trick.
Ask your significant other if she would like to join you at a local pizza place before or after a movie. Go to the restaurant ahead of time and explain that you're coming in at a certain time for a pizza, and tell them you'd like them to make the pizza into the shape of a heart.
I've tried this twice, and both times the cooks were more than happy to oblige for no extra cost (cause it makes their job more exciting).
Give the waitress a little nod when you come in with your date, and she'll come over with your pizza. It scores big points for sure!
Nelson Razo
raphtor_x@hotmail.com
Read more!
Why People Should Date after Marriage
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by Michael Webb
One of the biggest complaints from men and women about their spouses is how much they have changed since they were first dating.
We tend to put our best foot forward during the courting ritual, doing our utmost to impress our dates. We try to be polite, courteous, caring, giving, sensitive, well-groomed and well-mannered. Then we get married (or engaged or move in together) and revert back to our old, self-centered, slovenly tendencies.
If you feel that your relationship may have lost some of its 'spark,' ask yourself if you are acting the same way as when you went out on those first few dates.
Can you imagine how different our relationships would be if we always behaved as though we were wooing our significant other? We would belch, complain, argue, curse, whine and nag less. We would bathe, smile, caress, encourage, give, clean and communicate more.
If you desire to keep (or renew) that first date spark, you should never stop dating and courting the one you love, no matter how long you have been together.
Read more!
One of the biggest complaints from men and women about their spouses is how much they have changed since they were first dating.
We tend to put our best foot forward during the courting ritual, doing our utmost to impress our dates. We try to be polite, courteous, caring, giving, sensitive, well-groomed and well-mannered. Then we get married (or engaged or move in together) and revert back to our old, self-centered, slovenly tendencies.
If you feel that your relationship may have lost some of its 'spark,' ask yourself if you are acting the same way as when you went out on those first few dates.
Can you imagine how different our relationships would be if we always behaved as though we were wooing our significant other? We would belch, complain, argue, curse, whine and nag less. We would bathe, smile, caress, encourage, give, clean and communicate more.
If you desire to keep (or renew) that first date spark, you should never stop dating and courting the one you love, no matter how long you have been together.
Read more!
Thursday, October 16, 2008
Should You Tell a Woman She's Beautiful?
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by Joseph Matthews
Question from a reader:
I have a friend that always seems to know when to tell a woman that she's beautiful and it scores him major points. I, myself, never seem to get the timing down and it's been hit or miss, more often miss. Is there a certain criteria to know when or should I just say it when I feel like it?
Mike
My response:
Surprisingly, this is a rather hard question to answer.
Why?
Because the answer is: It depends.
There are certain factors involved in telling a woman she's beautiful that can both help you or hinder you.
I've used the "You're beautiful" line as a compliment opener in the past, with mixed results.
When done right, it can be very effective.
When done wrong, you can shoot yourself in the foot.
Here's why...
Seducing a woman has a great deal to do with controlling the dynamic of the interaction you have.
I'm a strong advocate of something I like to call "active disinterest" when it comes to approaching a woman.
When you approach a woman with a "you're beautiful" line, you run the risk of displaying "active interest."
In other words: You're being aggressive.
Sometimes this works. Sometimes it doesn't.
However, I know what you mean when you ask if there is a certain criteria to be followed when telling a woman she's beautiful.
Here are my thoughts on the subject...
You shouldn't use this compliment as an opener unless you're extremely advanced and experienced at approaching women.
You can use this opener once you've established attraction with the woman you're talking to.
If you do this before attraction is properly established... well, you're going to tip your hand too soon.
See, extremely hot women hear they're beautiful all the time. They know they're beautiful.
This doesn't mean they don't like being TOLD their beautiful. But the compliment loses a lot of its impact...
UNLESS they're attracted to you.
When someone you're attracted to gives you a compliment, it will make you feel good.
In fact, it will most likely increase your attraction to them.
Telling a woman she's beautiful after you have gotten her attracted to you is a way of signaling she's met your criteria for attraction as well.
At this point, romance can begin.
Your friend, who seems to know when he's properly attracted the girl, instinctually knows this.
So what you need to do is realize when the woman is attracted to you before you give her a compliment like this.
How do you know a woman is attracted to you?
BODY LANGUAGE, of course!
Look at what signs she's giving you. Pay attention to what she's doing with her arms, her legs, her eyes, etc.
This is the best way to know when she's ready to start hearing nice compliments from you.
But a word of warning:
Do not over-do it!
Heaping too much praise on a girl can actually have an adverse effect, because too much of it loses its meaning.
If you display too much attraction for a woman, it will turn her off (at least in the courting stage).
You need to walk that fine line and continue to flirt with her, but not tip your hand completely until the time is right.
If you really want to learn more about how to pick up on a girl's attraction signals for you, and you're serious about getting good at interacting with women, then I want you to check out my ebook The Art of Approaching right now.
You won't find a better resource anywhere for learning how to deal with women.
Read more!
Question from a reader:
I have a friend that always seems to know when to tell a woman that she's beautiful and it scores him major points. I, myself, never seem to get the timing down and it's been hit or miss, more often miss. Is there a certain criteria to know when or should I just say it when I feel like it?
Mike
My response:
Surprisingly, this is a rather hard question to answer.
Why?
Because the answer is: It depends.
There are certain factors involved in telling a woman she's beautiful that can both help you or hinder you.
I've used the "You're beautiful" line as a compliment opener in the past, with mixed results.
When done right, it can be very effective.
When done wrong, you can shoot yourself in the foot.
Here's why...
Seducing a woman has a great deal to do with controlling the dynamic of the interaction you have.
I'm a strong advocate of something I like to call "active disinterest" when it comes to approaching a woman.
When you approach a woman with a "you're beautiful" line, you run the risk of displaying "active interest."
In other words: You're being aggressive.
Sometimes this works. Sometimes it doesn't.
However, I know what you mean when you ask if there is a certain criteria to be followed when telling a woman she's beautiful.
Here are my thoughts on the subject...
You shouldn't use this compliment as an opener unless you're extremely advanced and experienced at approaching women.
You can use this opener once you've established attraction with the woman you're talking to.
If you do this before attraction is properly established... well, you're going to tip your hand too soon.
See, extremely hot women hear they're beautiful all the time. They know they're beautiful.
This doesn't mean they don't like being TOLD their beautiful. But the compliment loses a lot of its impact...
UNLESS they're attracted to you.
When someone you're attracted to gives you a compliment, it will make you feel good.
In fact, it will most likely increase your attraction to them.
Telling a woman she's beautiful after you have gotten her attracted to you is a way of signaling she's met your criteria for attraction as well.
At this point, romance can begin.
Your friend, who seems to know when he's properly attracted the girl, instinctually knows this.
So what you need to do is realize when the woman is attracted to you before you give her a compliment like this.
How do you know a woman is attracted to you?
BODY LANGUAGE, of course!
Look at what signs she's giving you. Pay attention to what she's doing with her arms, her legs, her eyes, etc.
This is the best way to know when she's ready to start hearing nice compliments from you.
But a word of warning:
Do not over-do it!
Heaping too much praise on a girl can actually have an adverse effect, because too much of it loses its meaning.
If you display too much attraction for a woman, it will turn her off (at least in the courting stage).
You need to walk that fine line and continue to flirt with her, but not tip your hand completely until the time is right.
If you really want to learn more about how to pick up on a girl's attraction signals for you, and you're serious about getting good at interacting with women, then I want you to check out my ebook The Art of Approaching right now.
You won't find a better resource anywhere for learning how to deal with women.
Read more!
You Must Initiate Everything with a Woman
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by Ron Louis & David Copeland
Question...
I usually don't have a problem approaching women or talking to them, that's not the problem. I can usually get positive responses, but nothing ever capitalizes. I can carry on conversations, but then it ends there. What am I doing wrong?
Also, why don't women ever approach me, or most men for that matter? We always have to make the first move, what's up with that?
Answer...
Your questions — "Why don't my interactions with women lead to the next step?" and "Why do men have to make the first move?" are related.
Your conversations with women are not moving into the next level — priming dates, seduction dates, and so on — because you are failing to understand one of the harsh fundamentals of dating: You are responsible for making the first move, AND you are responsible for making EVERY SINGLE MOVE thereafter. She does nothing. She is along for the ride. YOU make every initiation.
Before we get into the specifics of what you need to be doing next, let's talk about this a little, because it is such a big deal for so many men. Dating is not fair. This is important for all the men reading this to remember, because we all slip into this "dating should be fair" idea from time to time, and become slackers around taking responsibility for our dating lives.
Look, there's good news and bad news about having to initiate everything with a woman. The bad news is, it's a lot of work. The good news is, YOU get to say when your interactions with women happen. YOU have power to make them happen or not. Another way to say this is to say that part of the harsh terrain of dating is that you have to initiate everything, most of the time. But if you are willing to live with that truth, you have a lot more power than you realize.
Actually, it's a lot like the rest of life.
You must initiate the first conversation. You must keep that conversation alive, about her and things she cares about. You must flirt with her and do the basic flirting moves.
You must arrange to see her, and flirt with her again, which you are probably not doing. You must arrange to be able to have flirting conversations with her as many times as it takes to establish to her the most fundamental formula in dating: she must believe that seeing you = pleasure for her.
Then you must ask her for either her email address, her phone number, or if she'd be willing to go out with you for a cup of coffee. We like to say something like, "Wow, you seem really cool. What would it be like if we went out for a cup of coffee sometime?" Then either get her number, email address, or set the date right then. Make it clear to her that it's just a coffee date, "for an hour or so."
Then you must initiate setting up the date, giving her the options and times of when and where to meet (do NOT leave this in her lap. Never say, "Oh, I don't know, when can you do it...?" Give her options.). Then you must handle the date, go for the first kiss, set up the seduction date, EVERYTHING.
Like the old saying goes, "Initiate or Masturbate."
Read more!
Question...
I usually don't have a problem approaching women or talking to them, that's not the problem. I can usually get positive responses, but nothing ever capitalizes. I can carry on conversations, but then it ends there. What am I doing wrong?
Also, why don't women ever approach me, or most men for that matter? We always have to make the first move, what's up with that?
Answer...
Your questions — "Why don't my interactions with women lead to the next step?" and "Why do men have to make the first move?" are related.
Your conversations with women are not moving into the next level — priming dates, seduction dates, and so on — because you are failing to understand one of the harsh fundamentals of dating: You are responsible for making the first move, AND you are responsible for making EVERY SINGLE MOVE thereafter. She does nothing. She is along for the ride. YOU make every initiation.
Before we get into the specifics of what you need to be doing next, let's talk about this a little, because it is such a big deal for so many men. Dating is not fair. This is important for all the men reading this to remember, because we all slip into this "dating should be fair" idea from time to time, and become slackers around taking responsibility for our dating lives.
Look, there's good news and bad news about having to initiate everything with a woman. The bad news is, it's a lot of work. The good news is, YOU get to say when your interactions with women happen. YOU have power to make them happen or not. Another way to say this is to say that part of the harsh terrain of dating is that you have to initiate everything, most of the time. But if you are willing to live with that truth, you have a lot more power than you realize.
Actually, it's a lot like the rest of life.
You must initiate the first conversation. You must keep that conversation alive, about her and things she cares about. You must flirt with her and do the basic flirting moves.
You must arrange to see her, and flirt with her again, which you are probably not doing. You must arrange to be able to have flirting conversations with her as many times as it takes to establish to her the most fundamental formula in dating: she must believe that seeing you = pleasure for her.
Then you must ask her for either her email address, her phone number, or if she'd be willing to go out with you for a cup of coffee. We like to say something like, "Wow, you seem really cool. What would it be like if we went out for a cup of coffee sometime?" Then either get her number, email address, or set the date right then. Make it clear to her that it's just a coffee date, "for an hour or so."
Then you must initiate setting up the date, giving her the options and times of when and where to meet (do NOT leave this in her lap. Never say, "Oh, I don't know, when can you do it...?" Give her options.). Then you must handle the date, go for the first kiss, set up the seduction date, EVERYTHING.
Like the old saying goes, "Initiate or Masturbate."
Read more!
Wednesday, October 15, 2008
The Truth About "Nice Guys" And Attracting A Woman
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by Michael Marks
One of the most MASSIVE realizations I had
when it came to women was that a lot of things
are not what they appear to be.
So, for example, have you ever heard how
"nice guys" don't attract any women?
Maybe you've even wondered why things didn't
work when you treated women "very nicely".
This kind of thing happens to MILLIONS of men,
so you are not alone.
However, the problem is that the answer is NOT
to become jerks or to try to act like pick up artists
or players. If this actually worked, the problem
would have been solved for all men a long time
ago.
There is a reason why both being a "nice guy" and
being an arrogant or cocky guy or being a player
BOTH don't work. It's because the best kind of
women are attracted to STRENGTH of character.
In fact, even women who are messed UP are often
ALSO attracted to strength of character as well!
Now, when a man takes on the act of being a player
or being arrogant or being a really slick pick up artist,
he is actually conveying MASSIVE insecurity.
A woman who is already confident, can smell this
insecurity from far away. She knows that a man who
is secure would not need to OVERDO things so much.
So we already know that the pick up artist stuff
doesn't work to get a great woman, and in fact
repels her.
So why does the "nice guy" stuff not work either?
Well, the reason is because the truth is that "nice guys"
actually are NOT that nice, as I will show you:
"Nice guys" are very MEAN to ONE person.
In fact, they are mean to one person VERY CLOSE
to them, the closest in fact: THEMSELVES.
So, for example, a man who keeps on calling a
woman who does not return his calls, or a man
who even spends too much time THINKING
about a woman who is not giving him HALF
the amount of energy that he is putting into
chasing her, well this man is very MEAN
actually.
He is MEAN to himself.
He is basically telling himself and saying that he
is NOT WORTH treating any BETTER than this.
Have you ever had a woman that you chased
really HARD, and that you thought was somehow
a SPECIAL person for some reason?
Usually, there IS no reason, we just FEEL that there
is, but these feelings are the result of BAD CONDITIONING.
They can be overcome.
Women ARE attracted to strength of character, AND
to goodness, but there is nothing strong and nothing
GOOD about being a guy who allows himself to
be abused, and even if he just doesn't respect himself
enough.
This is why I have decided to use the term "REINVENTING
THE GOOD GUY" so that we stop thinking of GOOD
as being something "nice" or weak, because in reality
GOODNESS is the result of STRENGTH, and it's
NEVER self-abusive or self-hurting.
So the RIGHT way to be thinking about being CONFIDENT
and CHARISMATIC is not to come to it from a "I AM
THE BOSS OVER A WOMAN" angle but rather from
true goodness, starting with being good to yourself.
And NOT from having to boss around a woman.
In fact, the whole "I have to CONTROL a woman" through
games, pick up artist tactics, or anything else always
ends up showing up to a woman as insecurity and
fear and looks very much like "wuss" behavior to her.
A woman can detect these fears and thoughts from
the way you behave, in the same way you can
often tell what your best friend is thinking or
feeling before they even tell you, simply because
you can tell and read his or her body language.
Well, women are good at reading body language
because even as children they spend more time
developing these skills whereas boys develop
other skills better. So it's really a waste of
time to try to fake it with a woman, it's
far better to actually DEVELOP the right
behaviors, and perspectives- this way a woman
KNOWS you are for real.
So, make sure to first have a firm belief in your
OWN value, not out of arrogance, but out of
being your own best FRIEND. A woman, on an
subconscious level, wants to see some PROOF
that you are valuable, and if YOU don't value
yourself, how can she feel you have value?
Not only that, but if you believe that good people
have value, if you REALLY believe that, then
why would you ever allow yourself to chase
after a woman who didn't show any particularly
great characteristics of her own?
When you stop obsessing with the superficial for
REAL, you really DO show that you value character,
and now two things happen- you suddenly find that
more women are attracted to you, (because you
are proving that there are other things of value
besides the superficial and that you are one of
those valuable people ) and you also find that you
really ARE less obsessed now with the superficial-
because actions become emotions, and your
new lifestyle has given you new perspectives
and new appreciation for the bigger picture.
Don't get me wrong, of course you will want and
you SHOULD want physical attraction in a woman,
but you will be in the right balance to truly be a cool
guy with all women. A MAN, not a boy playing
"pick up artist".
So the best combination is to be a GOOD guy with women,
but also to be a good guy to YOURSELF and never, EVER
do anything below your dignity to try to earn a woman's
approval - besides, chasing after her in itself is what will
destroy her attraction to you. It's like you are saying "I don't feel
I have value, but could YOU please treat me really well
out of PITY?"
And this is EXACTLY the kind of reaction that
is generated in a woman for a guy who is not
truly good, but is just "nice" in a weak sense-
she might feel PITY for him, but not ATTRACTION.
And you of course also end up ruining your own
"inner game" this way because your actions are
telling your brain that you are pathetic.
Read more!
One of the most MASSIVE realizations I had
when it came to women was that a lot of things
are not what they appear to be.
So, for example, have you ever heard how
"nice guys" don't attract any women?
Maybe you've even wondered why things didn't
work when you treated women "very nicely".
This kind of thing happens to MILLIONS of men,
so you are not alone.
However, the problem is that the answer is NOT
to become jerks or to try to act like pick up artists
or players. If this actually worked, the problem
would have been solved for all men a long time
ago.
There is a reason why both being a "nice guy" and
being an arrogant or cocky guy or being a player
BOTH don't work. It's because the best kind of
women are attracted to STRENGTH of character.
In fact, even women who are messed UP are often
ALSO attracted to strength of character as well!
Now, when a man takes on the act of being a player
or being arrogant or being a really slick pick up artist,
he is actually conveying MASSIVE insecurity.
A woman who is already confident, can smell this
insecurity from far away. She knows that a man who
is secure would not need to OVERDO things so much.
So we already know that the pick up artist stuff
doesn't work to get a great woman, and in fact
repels her.
So why does the "nice guy" stuff not work either?
Well, the reason is because the truth is that "nice guys"
actually are NOT that nice, as I will show you:
"Nice guys" are very MEAN to ONE person.
In fact, they are mean to one person VERY CLOSE
to them, the closest in fact: THEMSELVES.
So, for example, a man who keeps on calling a
woman who does not return his calls, or a man
who even spends too much time THINKING
about a woman who is not giving him HALF
the amount of energy that he is putting into
chasing her, well this man is very MEAN
actually.
He is MEAN to himself.
He is basically telling himself and saying that he
is NOT WORTH treating any BETTER than this.
Have you ever had a woman that you chased
really HARD, and that you thought was somehow
a SPECIAL person for some reason?
Usually, there IS no reason, we just FEEL that there
is, but these feelings are the result of BAD CONDITIONING.
They can be overcome.
Women ARE attracted to strength of character, AND
to goodness, but there is nothing strong and nothing
GOOD about being a guy who allows himself to
be abused, and even if he just doesn't respect himself
enough.
This is why I have decided to use the term "REINVENTING
THE GOOD GUY" so that we stop thinking of GOOD
as being something "nice" or weak, because in reality
GOODNESS is the result of STRENGTH, and it's
NEVER self-abusive or self-hurting.
So the RIGHT way to be thinking about being CONFIDENT
and CHARISMATIC is not to come to it from a "I AM
THE BOSS OVER A WOMAN" angle but rather from
true goodness, starting with being good to yourself.
And NOT from having to boss around a woman.
In fact, the whole "I have to CONTROL a woman" through
games, pick up artist tactics, or anything else always
ends up showing up to a woman as insecurity and
fear and looks very much like "wuss" behavior to her.
A woman can detect these fears and thoughts from
the way you behave, in the same way you can
often tell what your best friend is thinking or
feeling before they even tell you, simply because
you can tell and read his or her body language.
Well, women are good at reading body language
because even as children they spend more time
developing these skills whereas boys develop
other skills better. So it's really a waste of
time to try to fake it with a woman, it's
far better to actually DEVELOP the right
behaviors, and perspectives- this way a woman
KNOWS you are for real.
So, make sure to first have a firm belief in your
OWN value, not out of arrogance, but out of
being your own best FRIEND. A woman, on an
subconscious level, wants to see some PROOF
that you are valuable, and if YOU don't value
yourself, how can she feel you have value?
Not only that, but if you believe that good people
have value, if you REALLY believe that, then
why would you ever allow yourself to chase
after a woman who didn't show any particularly
great characteristics of her own?
When you stop obsessing with the superficial for
REAL, you really DO show that you value character,
and now two things happen- you suddenly find that
more women are attracted to you, (because you
are proving that there are other things of value
besides the superficial and that you are one of
those valuable people ) and you also find that you
really ARE less obsessed now with the superficial-
because actions become emotions, and your
new lifestyle has given you new perspectives
and new appreciation for the bigger picture.
Don't get me wrong, of course you will want and
you SHOULD want physical attraction in a woman,
but you will be in the right balance to truly be a cool
guy with all women. A MAN, not a boy playing
"pick up artist".
So the best combination is to be a GOOD guy with women,
but also to be a good guy to YOURSELF and never, EVER
do anything below your dignity to try to earn a woman's
approval - besides, chasing after her in itself is what will
destroy her attraction to you. It's like you are saying "I don't feel
I have value, but could YOU please treat me really well
out of PITY?"
And this is EXACTLY the kind of reaction that
is generated in a woman for a guy who is not
truly good, but is just "nice" in a weak sense-
she might feel PITY for him, but not ATTRACTION.
And you of course also end up ruining your own
"inner game" this way because your actions are
telling your brain that you are pathetic.
Read more!
Tuesday, October 14, 2008
Reasons Why a Man's Wife Can Either Make or Break Him
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By: Nappoleon Hill
Here is an interpretation of the emotion which lifts it out of the commonplace, and makes of it potter's clay in the hands of God, from which He fashions all that is beautiful and inspiring. It is an interpretation which would, when properly understood, bring harmony out of the chaos which exists in too many marriages. The disharmonies often expressed in the form of nagging, may usually be traced to lack of knowledge on the subject of sex. Where love, romance and the proper understanding of the emotion and function of sex abide, there is no disharmony between married people.
Fortunate is the husband whose wife understands the true relationship between the emotions of love, sex, and romance. When motivated by this holy triumvirate, no form of labor is burdensome, because even the most lowly form of effort takes on the nature of a labor of love.
It is a very old saying that "a man's wife may either make him or break him," but the reason is not always understood. The "making" and "breaking" is the result of the wife's understanding, or lack of understanding of the emotions of love, sex, and romance. Despite the fact that men are polygamous, by the very nature of their biological inheritance, it is true that no woman has as great an influence on a man as his wife, unless he is married to a woman totally unsuited to his nature. If a woman permits her husband to lose interest in her, and become more interested in other women, it is usually because of her ignorance, or indifference toward the subjects of sex, love, and romance. This statement presupposes, of course, that genuine love once existed between a man and his wife.
The facts are equally applicable to a man who permits his wife's interest in him to die. Married people often bicker over a multitude of trivialities. If these are analyzed accurately, the real cause of the trouble will often be found to be indifference, or ignorance on these subjects.
The Uselessness of Wealth without Women
Man's greatest motivating force is his desire to please woman! The hunter who excelled during prehistoric days, before the dawn of civilization, did so, because of his desire to appear great in the eyes of woman. Man's nature has not changed in this respect. The "hunter" of today brings home no skins of wild animals, but he indicates his desire for her favor by supplying fine clothes, motor cars, and wealth. Man has the same desire to please woman that he had before the dawn of civilization. The only thing that has changed, is his method of pleasing. Men who accumulate large fortunes, and attain to great heights of power and fame, do so, mainly, to satisfy their desire to please women.
Take women out of their lives, and great wealth would be useless to most men. It is this inherent desire of man to please woman, which gives woman the power to make or break a man.
The woman who understands man's nature and tactfully caters to it, need have no fear of competition from other women. Men may be "giants" with indomitable will-power when dealing with other men, but they are easily managed by the women of their choice.
Most men will not admit that they are easily influenced by the women they prefer, because it is in the nature of the male to want to be recognized as the stronger of the species. Moreover, the intelligent woman recognizes this "manly trait" and very wisely makes no issue of it. Some men know that they are being influenced by the women of their choice — their wives, sweethearts, mothers or sisters — but they tactfully refrain from rebelling against the influence because they are intelligent enough to know that NO MAN IS HAPPY OR COMPLETE WITHOUT THE MODIFYING INFLUENCE OF THE RIGHT WOMAN. The man who does not recognize this important truth deprives himself of the power which has done more to help men achieve success than all other forces combined.
Read more!
Here is an interpretation of the emotion which lifts it out of the commonplace, and makes of it potter's clay in the hands of God, from which He fashions all that is beautiful and inspiring. It is an interpretation which would, when properly understood, bring harmony out of the chaos which exists in too many marriages. The disharmonies often expressed in the form of nagging, may usually be traced to lack of knowledge on the subject of sex. Where love, romance and the proper understanding of the emotion and function of sex abide, there is no disharmony between married people.
Fortunate is the husband whose wife understands the true relationship between the emotions of love, sex, and romance. When motivated by this holy triumvirate, no form of labor is burdensome, because even the most lowly form of effort takes on the nature of a labor of love.
It is a very old saying that "a man's wife may either make him or break him," but the reason is not always understood. The "making" and "breaking" is the result of the wife's understanding, or lack of understanding of the emotions of love, sex, and romance. Despite the fact that men are polygamous, by the very nature of their biological inheritance, it is true that no woman has as great an influence on a man as his wife, unless he is married to a woman totally unsuited to his nature. If a woman permits her husband to lose interest in her, and become more interested in other women, it is usually because of her ignorance, or indifference toward the subjects of sex, love, and romance. This statement presupposes, of course, that genuine love once existed between a man and his wife.
The facts are equally applicable to a man who permits his wife's interest in him to die. Married people often bicker over a multitude of trivialities. If these are analyzed accurately, the real cause of the trouble will often be found to be indifference, or ignorance on these subjects.
The Uselessness of Wealth without Women
Man's greatest motivating force is his desire to please woman! The hunter who excelled during prehistoric days, before the dawn of civilization, did so, because of his desire to appear great in the eyes of woman. Man's nature has not changed in this respect. The "hunter" of today brings home no skins of wild animals, but he indicates his desire for her favor by supplying fine clothes, motor cars, and wealth. Man has the same desire to please woman that he had before the dawn of civilization. The only thing that has changed, is his method of pleasing. Men who accumulate large fortunes, and attain to great heights of power and fame, do so, mainly, to satisfy their desire to please women.
Take women out of their lives, and great wealth would be useless to most men. It is this inherent desire of man to please woman, which gives woman the power to make or break a man.
The woman who understands man's nature and tactfully caters to it, need have no fear of competition from other women. Men may be "giants" with indomitable will-power when dealing with other men, but they are easily managed by the women of their choice.
Most men will not admit that they are easily influenced by the women they prefer, because it is in the nature of the male to want to be recognized as the stronger of the species. Moreover, the intelligent woman recognizes this "manly trait" and very wisely makes no issue of it. Some men know that they are being influenced by the women of their choice — their wives, sweethearts, mothers or sisters — but they tactfully refrain from rebelling against the influence because they are intelligent enough to know that NO MAN IS HAPPY OR COMPLETE WITHOUT THE MODIFYING INFLUENCE OF THE RIGHT WOMAN. The man who does not recognize this important truth deprives himself of the power which has done more to help men achieve success than all other forces combined.
Read more!
One Who Loves Truly Can Never Lose Entirely
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by: Nappoleon Hill
Memories of love never pass. They linger, guide, and influence long after the source of stimulation has faded. There is nothing new in this. Every person, who has been moved by GENUINE LOVE, knows that it leaves enduring traces upon the human heart. The effect of love endures, because love is spiritual in nature. The man who cannot be stimulated to great heights of achievement by love, is hopeless—he is dead, though he may seem to live.
Even the memories of love are sufficient to lift one to a higher plane of creative effort. The major force of love may spend itself and pass away, like a fire which has burned itself out, but it leaves behind indelible marks as evidence that it passed that way. Its departure often prepares the human heart for a still greater love.
Go back into your yesterdays, at times, and bathe your mind in the beautiful memories of past love. It will soften the influence of the present worries and annoyances. It will give you a source of escape from the unpleasant realities of life, and maybe—who knows?—your mind will yield to you, during this temporary retreat into the world of fantasy, ideas, or plans which may change the entire financial or spiritual status of your life.
If you believe yourself unfortunate, because you have "loved and lost," perish the thought. One who has loved truly, can never lose entirely. Love is whimsical and temperamental. Its nature is ephemeral, and transitory. It comes when it pleases, and goes away without warning. Accept and enjoy it while it remains, but spend no time worrying about its departure. Worry will never bring it back.
Dismiss, also, the thought that love never comes but once. Love may come and go, times without number, but there are no two love experiences which affect one in just the same way. There may be, and there usually is, one love experience which leaves a deeper imprint on the heart than all the others, but all love experiences are beneficial, except to the person who becomes resentful and cynical when love makes its departure.
There should be no disappointment over love, and there would be none if people understood the difference between the emotions of love and sex. The major difference is that love is spiritual, while sex is biological. No experience, which touches the human heart with a spiritual force, can possibly be harmful, except through ignorance, or jealousy.
Love is, without question, life's greatest experience. It brings one into communion with Infinite Intelligence. When mixed with the emotions of romance and sex, it may lead one far up the ladder of creative effort. The emotions of love, sex, and romance, are sides of the eternal triangle of achievement-building genius. Nature creates genii through no other force.
Love is an emotion with many sides, shades, and colors. The love which one feels for parents, or children is quite different from that which one feels for one's sweetheart. The one is mixed with the emotion of sex, while the other is not.
The love which one feels in true friendship is not the same as that felt for one's sweetheart, parents, or children, but it, too, is a form of love.
Then, there is the emotion of love for things inanimate, such as the love of Nature's handiwork. But the most intense and burning of all these various kinds of love, is that experienced in the blending of the emotions of love and sex. Marriages, not blessed with the eternal affinity of love, properly balanced and proportioned, with sex, cannot be happy ones—and seldom endure. Love, alone, will not bring happiness in marriage, nor will sex alone. When these two beautiful emotions are blended, marriage may bring about a state of mind, closest to the spiritual that one may ever know on this earthly plane.
When the emotion of romance is added to those of love and sex, the obstructions between the finite mind of man and Infinite Intelligence are removed. Then a genius has been born! What a different story is this, than those usually associated with the emotion of sex.
Read more!
Memories of love never pass. They linger, guide, and influence long after the source of stimulation has faded. There is nothing new in this. Every person, who has been moved by GENUINE LOVE, knows that it leaves enduring traces upon the human heart. The effect of love endures, because love is spiritual in nature. The man who cannot be stimulated to great heights of achievement by love, is hopeless—he is dead, though he may seem to live.
Even the memories of love are sufficient to lift one to a higher plane of creative effort. The major force of love may spend itself and pass away, like a fire which has burned itself out, but it leaves behind indelible marks as evidence that it passed that way. Its departure often prepares the human heart for a still greater love.
Go back into your yesterdays, at times, and bathe your mind in the beautiful memories of past love. It will soften the influence of the present worries and annoyances. It will give you a source of escape from the unpleasant realities of life, and maybe—who knows?—your mind will yield to you, during this temporary retreat into the world of fantasy, ideas, or plans which may change the entire financial or spiritual status of your life.
If you believe yourself unfortunate, because you have "loved and lost," perish the thought. One who has loved truly, can never lose entirely. Love is whimsical and temperamental. Its nature is ephemeral, and transitory. It comes when it pleases, and goes away without warning. Accept and enjoy it while it remains, but spend no time worrying about its departure. Worry will never bring it back.
Dismiss, also, the thought that love never comes but once. Love may come and go, times without number, but there are no two love experiences which affect one in just the same way. There may be, and there usually is, one love experience which leaves a deeper imprint on the heart than all the others, but all love experiences are beneficial, except to the person who becomes resentful and cynical when love makes its departure.
There should be no disappointment over love, and there would be none if people understood the difference between the emotions of love and sex. The major difference is that love is spiritual, while sex is biological. No experience, which touches the human heart with a spiritual force, can possibly be harmful, except through ignorance, or jealousy.
Love is, without question, life's greatest experience. It brings one into communion with Infinite Intelligence. When mixed with the emotions of romance and sex, it may lead one far up the ladder of creative effort. The emotions of love, sex, and romance, are sides of the eternal triangle of achievement-building genius. Nature creates genii through no other force.
Love is an emotion with many sides, shades, and colors. The love which one feels for parents, or children is quite different from that which one feels for one's sweetheart. The one is mixed with the emotion of sex, while the other is not.
The love which one feels in true friendship is not the same as that felt for one's sweetheart, parents, or children, but it, too, is a form of love.
Then, there is the emotion of love for things inanimate, such as the love of Nature's handiwork. But the most intense and burning of all these various kinds of love, is that experienced in the blending of the emotions of love and sex. Marriages, not blessed with the eternal affinity of love, properly balanced and proportioned, with sex, cannot be happy ones—and seldom endure. Love, alone, will not bring happiness in marriage, nor will sex alone. When these two beautiful emotions are blended, marriage may bring about a state of mind, closest to the spiritual that one may ever know on this earthly plane.
When the emotion of romance is added to those of love and sex, the obstructions between the finite mind of man and Infinite Intelligence are removed. Then a genius has been born! What a different story is this, than those usually associated with the emotion of sex.
Read more!
Friday, October 3, 2008
Are You Nervous?
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by Allen Thompson
Often young Juaners lament the fact that they can be smooth, charming, and SoSuave when dealing with women that they're not attracted to. But as soon as they meet someone that they are attracted to, they turn into a nervous, quivering, degenerative wreck.
They get upset, angry at themselves, and even depressed. They feel that their nervousness is holding them back and preventing them from expressing who they really are... and getting the women that they really want.
So the question very frequently pops up, "How can I relax when I'm around women that I'm attracted to? How can I control my anxiety and nervousness so that I come across as smooth and charming, rather than tense, anxious, and just plain strange?"
Most of the traditional strategies for reducing nervousness in these situations fall into one of the following two categories: either you learn to tell yourself certain things designed to knock this lady off the pedestal you have her on, so that you can begin to see her more like an ordinary human being and less like a Goddess, or you modify your "catastrophizing" thoughts so that you come to the realistic conclusion, perhaps via trial and error, that the world will not come to an end if this particular lady decides not to jump your bones.
Both strategies work fine, as far as they go. But personally, I prefer to use the following. This particular strategy fits into neither of the above categories, and, quite frankly, is much easier to implement and a lot MORE FUN. Not only will you not feel nervous, but you'll also benefit from enjoying the sensations of infatuation, while learning to use those feelings to your advantage in attracting women.
Okay...
The first and most important thing you need to realize, is that being nervous around a woman that you're attracted to isn't necessarily a BAD thing. In fact, it's actually quite a GOOD thing. It's something to be happy about, something to relish... because any woman who can make you feel nervous, tense, or even frightened, must be quite an amazing woman.
Think about it. If she's having this kind of effect on you, if her mere presence is enough to make you sweat like a pig and utter completely nonsensical phrases, she must be pretty dadgum special! Right? This is wonderful. This is awesome. This is not the type of thing you should be depressed about and trying to "fight." This is the type of thing (and these are the types of emotions) you want to embrace, enjoy, and even celebrate.
Yet most guys interpret their nervousness from a negative point of view. They mistakenly think that the anxiety and nervousness that they experience whenever "she" is around, is something that must be eliminated. Something that must be overcome. Something that true "Don Juans" never experience. This is a completely harmful and negative way of thinking. I mean really, wouldn't it be boring if you never met any woman who made you feel this way? If you never met any woman who made you anxious, nervous, and babble like an idiot? If you just felt your normal, comfortable, relaxed self around all women?
BORING!
No, the women you WANT are the ones who make you weak in the knees. The ones who make you nervous, sweaty, and whose mere presence is enough to drive you crazy. Yes, these are the women that make life worth living.
So remember, being "nervous" is a GOOD thing and a sign that you've met an amazing woman... and a woman with the potential to make you very happy.
The second thing you need to realize, is that your nervousness may not be nervousness at all. In fact, what it actually is... is EXCITEMENT. I mean really, this is an incredible woman, right? Drop-dead gorgeous, charming, intelligent, funny. Maybe the woman of your dreams, the one you'll marry and live "happily ever after" with. Sounds like a pretty good reason to be excited to me. In fact, if you're NOT excited about meeting such an incredible lady, THEN I'd say you have the problem.
Remember that emotions differ from one another mainly in how we interpret them, not in any type of distinct physiological state associated with them. Thus, the state of physiological arousal which accompanies a feeling of nervousness is pretty much the same state of physiological arousal which accompanies a feeling of excitement. The only real difference between the two is that in one situation we're telling ourselves that we're nervous (a bad thing), and in another situation we're telling ourselves that we're excited (a good thing).
And if you think about it logically, there's absolutely no reason to feel bad (nervous) when you're around a magnificent woman. But there are a whole heck of a lot of reasons to feel good (excited) when she's around. Thus, whatever you decide to tell yourself, and believe, will determine whether you feel nervous (bad) or excited (good). You simply need to "direct" your mind to the desired emotional response.
So feel the emotions. Don't fight them. Feel the excitement within you, the adrenaline surging throughout your veins, and rather than thinking, "Oh no. Why can't I relax? I'm going to say something stupid and blow it again." think, "WOW! What a magnificent woman! I definitely need to get to know her better." Thus, you consciously and deliberately transform the "nervousness" into "excitement."
And you feel good. Excited is good, right?
Now the third and final thing you need to do is to channel those "excited" feelings into behaviors and personality traits that women will find attractive.
And the great thing is, once you've completed the first two steps above, the attractive behaviors and traits will appear automatically.
Believe it or not, that excitement you're feeling will actually help to make you more attractive to women. The excitement will come through in your attitude, your voice, and your body language. You'll ooze enthusiasm and energy... both of which are highly attractive qualities to women. You will then have a tremendous advantage in attracting this woman AND setting yourself apart from all the other guys. The cool, suave guys who never get nervous and who always seem relaxed around women will seem boring compared to you.
And all you really did was to recognize that she was a magnificent woman, let yourself feel the excitement within you, and then channeled those feelings into energetic enthusiasm.
What woman could possibly resist?
Read more!
Often young Juaners lament the fact that they can be smooth, charming, and SoSuave when dealing with women that they're not attracted to. But as soon as they meet someone that they are attracted to, they turn into a nervous, quivering, degenerative wreck.
They get upset, angry at themselves, and even depressed. They feel that their nervousness is holding them back and preventing them from expressing who they really are... and getting the women that they really want.
So the question very frequently pops up, "How can I relax when I'm around women that I'm attracted to? How can I control my anxiety and nervousness so that I come across as smooth and charming, rather than tense, anxious, and just plain strange?"
Most of the traditional strategies for reducing nervousness in these situations fall into one of the following two categories: either you learn to tell yourself certain things designed to knock this lady off the pedestal you have her on, so that you can begin to see her more like an ordinary human being and less like a Goddess, or you modify your "catastrophizing" thoughts so that you come to the realistic conclusion, perhaps via trial and error, that the world will not come to an end if this particular lady decides not to jump your bones.
Both strategies work fine, as far as they go. But personally, I prefer to use the following. This particular strategy fits into neither of the above categories, and, quite frankly, is much easier to implement and a lot MORE FUN. Not only will you not feel nervous, but you'll also benefit from enjoying the sensations of infatuation, while learning to use those feelings to your advantage in attracting women.
Okay...
The first and most important thing you need to realize, is that being nervous around a woman that you're attracted to isn't necessarily a BAD thing. In fact, it's actually quite a GOOD thing. It's something to be happy about, something to relish... because any woman who can make you feel nervous, tense, or even frightened, must be quite an amazing woman.
Think about it. If she's having this kind of effect on you, if her mere presence is enough to make you sweat like a pig and utter completely nonsensical phrases, she must be pretty dadgum special! Right? This is wonderful. This is awesome. This is not the type of thing you should be depressed about and trying to "fight." This is the type of thing (and these are the types of emotions) you want to embrace, enjoy, and even celebrate.
Yet most guys interpret their nervousness from a negative point of view. They mistakenly think that the anxiety and nervousness that they experience whenever "she" is around, is something that must be eliminated. Something that must be overcome. Something that true "Don Juans" never experience. This is a completely harmful and negative way of thinking. I mean really, wouldn't it be boring if you never met any woman who made you feel this way? If you never met any woman who made you anxious, nervous, and babble like an idiot? If you just felt your normal, comfortable, relaxed self around all women?
BORING!
No, the women you WANT are the ones who make you weak in the knees. The ones who make you nervous, sweaty, and whose mere presence is enough to drive you crazy. Yes, these are the women that make life worth living.
So remember, being "nervous" is a GOOD thing and a sign that you've met an amazing woman... and a woman with the potential to make you very happy.
The second thing you need to realize, is that your nervousness may not be nervousness at all. In fact, what it actually is... is EXCITEMENT. I mean really, this is an incredible woman, right? Drop-dead gorgeous, charming, intelligent, funny. Maybe the woman of your dreams, the one you'll marry and live "happily ever after" with. Sounds like a pretty good reason to be excited to me. In fact, if you're NOT excited about meeting such an incredible lady, THEN I'd say you have the problem.
Remember that emotions differ from one another mainly in how we interpret them, not in any type of distinct physiological state associated with them. Thus, the state of physiological arousal which accompanies a feeling of nervousness is pretty much the same state of physiological arousal which accompanies a feeling of excitement. The only real difference between the two is that in one situation we're telling ourselves that we're nervous (a bad thing), and in another situation we're telling ourselves that we're excited (a good thing).
And if you think about it logically, there's absolutely no reason to feel bad (nervous) when you're around a magnificent woman. But there are a whole heck of a lot of reasons to feel good (excited) when she's around. Thus, whatever you decide to tell yourself, and believe, will determine whether you feel nervous (bad) or excited (good). You simply need to "direct" your mind to the desired emotional response.
So feel the emotions. Don't fight them. Feel the excitement within you, the adrenaline surging throughout your veins, and rather than thinking, "Oh no. Why can't I relax? I'm going to say something stupid and blow it again." think, "WOW! What a magnificent woman! I definitely need to get to know her better." Thus, you consciously and deliberately transform the "nervousness" into "excitement."
And you feel good. Excited is good, right?
Now the third and final thing you need to do is to channel those "excited" feelings into behaviors and personality traits that women will find attractive.
And the great thing is, once you've completed the first two steps above, the attractive behaviors and traits will appear automatically.
Believe it or not, that excitement you're feeling will actually help to make you more attractive to women. The excitement will come through in your attitude, your voice, and your body language. You'll ooze enthusiasm and energy... both of which are highly attractive qualities to women. You will then have a tremendous advantage in attracting this woman AND setting yourself apart from all the other guys. The cool, suave guys who never get nervous and who always seem relaxed around women will seem boring compared to you.
And all you really did was to recognize that she was a magnificent woman, let yourself feel the excitement within you, and then channeled those feelings into energetic enthusiasm.
What woman could possibly resist?
Read more!
Stop Chasing Women & Watch Them Come to You
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by Luis Rodrigues
Don't you ever wonder why you can't successfully pick up women? Well, we have the answers right here.
AskMen.com conducted an extensive survey with more than one hundred beautiful women. (what a hard job we had!) The purpose was to find out why women fall head over heals over one man more than another. Finally, we got the answer that we've all been anxiously waiting for; it all comes down to the chase. Apparently, women's perception of men depends on how the male goes about setting up the bait to trap women. This perception usually remains the same throughout the relationship. It is safe to say that most women we surveyed enjoy being chased, but get turned off quickly by the way men approach them. Men know how to initiate the chase, but can rarely close the deal successfully.
What your mothers forgot to teach you: "Intro to Women, Class 101". It is a known fact that men are mommy's little boys, and women are daddy's little princesses. The key word is princess. Women like to be cherished, respected, loved, and most of all, showered with attention. So that is what men should give women: attention.
The problem with most men is they think that in order to make sure their catch doesn't get away, they must constantly give women attention. Wrong! The reason that most women get bored in a relationship, or turned off by a new acquaintance, is that they get too much attention at once. Have you ever heard of the phrase "I need some breathing space please!"? Well, this phrase exists for a reason, yet most men ignore it, and continue giving their women their undeniable attention.
Wait a minute! You might ask, "Luis, you just said that women like a lot of attention, and now you are telling me too much is bad??" Yes, because the whole secret is to know when to give attention and when not to. I recommend a three-step method recommended by psychologist Dr. David Libstein. I've tried it and it works! The question now is, is it an ethical method? Well I always say, "What people don't know, won't hurt them."
The Three-Step Bait Method
Stage One: Bait Her
For a woman to know that you are interested, she must be aware of it. If she is not, then absolutely nothing will happen. You therefore have to take a risk. This is where the chase begins.
Pick the woman that you are interested in, wherever you may be. May I suggest that you choose your lady early and concentrate only on her the whole time you are there. If you start looking around too much, you will give her the impression that you are looking for anyone to sleep with. After you find her, begin by looking for body language signs, such as eye contact, a smile, hair touching, etc.
If you get these signs from her, you must move quickly. Most men just wait around eyeballing the lady the whole time. By the time they get the nerves to go talk to her, either someone else moved in, or she'll think you are some perverted stalker because you gawked too much.
Stage Two: Spoil Her With Attention
Okay, now you made your move. You initiated the conversation. Now how do you make sure you keep the conversation going, and ensure she remains interested? Spoil her with attention by asking her all types of questions regarding her life. No sex-related questions please. Instead, talk about her likes (music, food, drinks, restaurants), her education, movies, even the current awkward situation. The important thing is to not mention anything (no matter how tempting) about yourself, unless of course she asks you to. If she does, (this usually means she's interested) please remember to be brief and move the topic back to focus to her.
Offer to buy her a drink only once the conversation has gone on well for an extended period of time (at least ten minutes). Once the conversation deepens, it is okay to mention that you'd like to keep in contact with her, and ask for a phone number. The first phone call should be at least two days after the encounter. The conversation should revolve around how much fun you had with her, and how impressed you were with her personality. In other words, compliment her like crazy. Make sure that the first phone call does not last more than twenty minutes. It is crucial that you end the first phone call first. If she ends the conversation, the ball is in her court. The conversation should end with you inviting her out for a coffee.
On the first date, don't initiate a conversation about sexual topics, unless of course she does. The first date is a time to explore and find out a little more about each other. Do everything for her, but you don't necessarily have to agree with everything that she has to say. When she disagrees with your stance, accept it, and don't offer excuses either. Excuses make you look weak.
Stage Three: The Earthquake
Now that the little "princess" is comfortable, it's time to make the ground shake under her feet. The fact that we want to be accepted, liked, and needed is human nature. Once this need is fulfilled, we turn our attention towards stabilizing it. Just think back to when a friend told you that Mary was interested in you. You probably didn't think much of it at the time, but as soon as you found out that Mary liked someone else, you began wondering why she doesn't like you anymore, and you suddenly became interested in Mary. We always want what we can't have.
Well the same theory applies with women. It is time to take away all that attention from the little sweet princess. How? Simple, ask her to call you. When she does, speak to her and sound really interested, and have a longer conversation. Make her feel that you really like talking to her. End the conversation by politely letting her know that you have things to do, but let her know that you enjoyed talking to her and that you'll call her back. Don't tell her when you'll call her back. Let her wait for a while (around four to five days). She will wonder why you haven't called back, and eventually call you.
Now the ball is in your court. It is crucially important to sound very happy when she calls you, or else she won't call back. The secret to making this method work is that you confuse her. First you make her think that you are really interested in her. Second, you make her feel as if you are no longer interested. Then, repeat the process. What will eventually happen is that her need to be accepted will grow and she will focus her attention on you, to make sure you like her. Then her mind will wander, and she will think about why she is spending so much time thinking about you. Her subconscious mind will then reason that it must be because she cares about you.
It is a shame that people have to resort to such devious methods, but your alternative is to be a nice guy. We all know what happens to nice guys, right? They finish last. Why? Because the women they are with get bored and eventually leave.
Remember that this is a generic method, and you'll probably have to adapt it more to your own situation, and if you have any questions, just AskMen.com.
Good Luck.
Read more!
Don't you ever wonder why you can't successfully pick up women? Well, we have the answers right here.
AskMen.com conducted an extensive survey with more than one hundred beautiful women. (what a hard job we had!) The purpose was to find out why women fall head over heals over one man more than another. Finally, we got the answer that we've all been anxiously waiting for; it all comes down to the chase. Apparently, women's perception of men depends on how the male goes about setting up the bait to trap women. This perception usually remains the same throughout the relationship. It is safe to say that most women we surveyed enjoy being chased, but get turned off quickly by the way men approach them. Men know how to initiate the chase, but can rarely close the deal successfully.
What your mothers forgot to teach you: "Intro to Women, Class 101". It is a known fact that men are mommy's little boys, and women are daddy's little princesses. The key word is princess. Women like to be cherished, respected, loved, and most of all, showered with attention. So that is what men should give women: attention.
The problem with most men is they think that in order to make sure their catch doesn't get away, they must constantly give women attention. Wrong! The reason that most women get bored in a relationship, or turned off by a new acquaintance, is that they get too much attention at once. Have you ever heard of the phrase "I need some breathing space please!"? Well, this phrase exists for a reason, yet most men ignore it, and continue giving their women their undeniable attention.
Wait a minute! You might ask, "Luis, you just said that women like a lot of attention, and now you are telling me too much is bad??" Yes, because the whole secret is to know when to give attention and when not to. I recommend a three-step method recommended by psychologist Dr. David Libstein. I've tried it and it works! The question now is, is it an ethical method? Well I always say, "What people don't know, won't hurt them."
The Three-Step Bait Method
Stage One: Bait Her
For a woman to know that you are interested, she must be aware of it. If she is not, then absolutely nothing will happen. You therefore have to take a risk. This is where the chase begins.
Pick the woman that you are interested in, wherever you may be. May I suggest that you choose your lady early and concentrate only on her the whole time you are there. If you start looking around too much, you will give her the impression that you are looking for anyone to sleep with. After you find her, begin by looking for body language signs, such as eye contact, a smile, hair touching, etc.
If you get these signs from her, you must move quickly. Most men just wait around eyeballing the lady the whole time. By the time they get the nerves to go talk to her, either someone else moved in, or she'll think you are some perverted stalker because you gawked too much.
Stage Two: Spoil Her With Attention
Okay, now you made your move. You initiated the conversation. Now how do you make sure you keep the conversation going, and ensure she remains interested? Spoil her with attention by asking her all types of questions regarding her life. No sex-related questions please. Instead, talk about her likes (music, food, drinks, restaurants), her education, movies, even the current awkward situation. The important thing is to not mention anything (no matter how tempting) about yourself, unless of course she asks you to. If she does, (this usually means she's interested) please remember to be brief and move the topic back to focus to her.
Offer to buy her a drink only once the conversation has gone on well for an extended period of time (at least ten minutes). Once the conversation deepens, it is okay to mention that you'd like to keep in contact with her, and ask for a phone number. The first phone call should be at least two days after the encounter. The conversation should revolve around how much fun you had with her, and how impressed you were with her personality. In other words, compliment her like crazy. Make sure that the first phone call does not last more than twenty minutes. It is crucial that you end the first phone call first. If she ends the conversation, the ball is in her court. The conversation should end with you inviting her out for a coffee.
On the first date, don't initiate a conversation about sexual topics, unless of course she does. The first date is a time to explore and find out a little more about each other. Do everything for her, but you don't necessarily have to agree with everything that she has to say. When she disagrees with your stance, accept it, and don't offer excuses either. Excuses make you look weak.
Stage Three: The Earthquake
Now that the little "princess" is comfortable, it's time to make the ground shake under her feet. The fact that we want to be accepted, liked, and needed is human nature. Once this need is fulfilled, we turn our attention towards stabilizing it. Just think back to when a friend told you that Mary was interested in you. You probably didn't think much of it at the time, but as soon as you found out that Mary liked someone else, you began wondering why she doesn't like you anymore, and you suddenly became interested in Mary. We always want what we can't have.
Well the same theory applies with women. It is time to take away all that attention from the little sweet princess. How? Simple, ask her to call you. When she does, speak to her and sound really interested, and have a longer conversation. Make her feel that you really like talking to her. End the conversation by politely letting her know that you have things to do, but let her know that you enjoyed talking to her and that you'll call her back. Don't tell her when you'll call her back. Let her wait for a while (around four to five days). She will wonder why you haven't called back, and eventually call you.
Now the ball is in your court. It is crucially important to sound very happy when she calls you, or else she won't call back. The secret to making this method work is that you confuse her. First you make her think that you are really interested in her. Second, you make her feel as if you are no longer interested. Then, repeat the process. What will eventually happen is that her need to be accepted will grow and she will focus her attention on you, to make sure you like her. Then her mind will wander, and she will think about why she is spending so much time thinking about you. Her subconscious mind will then reason that it must be because she cares about you.
It is a shame that people have to resort to such devious methods, but your alternative is to be a nice guy. We all know what happens to nice guys, right? They finish last. Why? Because the women they are with get bored and eventually leave.
Remember that this is a generic method, and you'll probably have to adapt it more to your own situation, and if you have any questions, just AskMen.com.
Good Luck.
Read more!
There I See a Girl
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by Vangelis Vassalakis
I am in a somewhat crowded club.
There I see a girl.
I think she's beautiful. I like her. Oh, yes, I pretty much like her. Of course I feel that I want her. And, more than easily, comes that much-familiar feeling of embarrassment; that I must talk to her and I don't know what to say. I look at her again and she notices that I am doing so. I feel embarrassed and shy. Nevertheless, I feel a strong urge to have a talk with her. Damn, I want her. I begin visualizing some possible pick up lines. 'Hi', for example. Ok, then what? I can hardly imagine something smart and something original. 'May I buy you a drink?' - sh*t, it's outdated. 'May I join you?' - better, but a bit '70's style.
The time passes by. She looks at me for a second time. Wow, I gotta do something, man! My friend urges me to go on. 'Go and talk to her, tell her anything; a stupid pick up line is better than nothing! At least you tried. At best, you may lead a more relaxed and smart flirting conversation and end up laid! Go on, you bast*rd, move!'.
No I can't. I sit where I am and do nothing. I buy myself another drink, tell jokes with my friend, she swiftly looks at me for a third time, and after haven't noticing how the time passed by, she picks her coat and her female friends up and there they're gone.
Bye, bye, happiness!
Happiness not in the sense of getting laid (this brings joy), but in the sense of trying. Of being free from that filthy fear. Of being a free human being that can do what he wants (without hurting or oppressing others, of course). Of being able to do things for his life. Of being able 'to freely bloom. That is my definition of happiness', as the famous lawyer Gerry Spence puts it in his book "How to argue and win every time."
When at home, during the coming days, I try to analyze the reason why I didn't do it. What did I have to lose? At worst, I could have faced rejection. But, by not acting, I got a 100% rejection. Not from that woman, but as a result of my worst enemy: my fear.
The following days I try to analyze my fear. I go back in time. I had some traumatic experiences with my strict mother and father, and also my immediate environment didn't promote healthy social, sexual and loving human relations either. Also, I went to a boys Catholic-owned school with some Orthodox priests (I live in Greece) that did not want to accept the fact of human nature and were tyrannizing emotionally our sexuality, etc. etc. And then I go even back in time, remembering that I was raised by some stranger nannies since my ma and pa were working, and I probably have acquired some subconscious fears about stranger women. Ok, I have some acquired fears. Also, I have the all natural fear of rejection, that resides in most of us - men, women and kids.
Then, I decide that the combination of the above fears is what made me stand where I was, without acting and thus ruining my evening, my coming week and making me feel somewhat afraid of any future possible embarrassment on a similar situation.
And finally, I try to resolve the above fears by any available means (i.e. going to the psychiatrist, discussing with myself, discussing with friends, listening to my female friends blaming men for not being active and 'masculine' enough to approach them, and also visualizing myself acting in similar situations but without the fear or embarrassment and succeeding - the way athletes do).
But lately some thought occurred to my mind. Is it the above fears that prohibit me from flirting with a strange woman or is it something else?
I mean, is it possible that I am afraid not of rejection but acceptance, instead? Day after day, I began attributing a higher percentage on that latter factor than I did in the past. That is, I subconsciously think: 'Ok, she doesn't send me off. But she's better than I can handle. She will make me think of her all day long, she will make me be jealous, she will make me offer her expensive gifts all the time, she will be too good in bed and thus I will mind of not losing her, etc'. In others words, I think I am not good enough for her. She stands on a somewhat 'higher' level than I can handle.
And by virtue of the above, I keep sipping my JD straight and listening to Red Hot Chili Peppers' Californication. At least I have chosen a good club to spend my evening!
And there lies a possible solution for all us, fearful guys. Of course this solution is to face your fears and successfully resolve them as soon as possible, but also to realize your status. Why is she better than you? Is this true, or do you tend to perceive yourself on a lower level than the one you really are? Ok, she's much pretty, but you may be smarter. She may want good gifts, but what about the gift of good sex (even too good) she will offer you back? She might not be any beast, or any filthy wh*re, looking for men and money and diamonds, but have compassion and understanding, instead, in store for you!
She may be too joyful and you guys like moderate situations, but damn it - she's in a club to have fun! What would you expect her to do?
She may be somewhat low, talking to her friend (not her darling, guys!), but her low mood might be due to absence of a happy man (like us fellas!!), standing next to her and not to snobbism.
She may be much seriously talking to her companion. Then you better not approach. She's there not to flirt but to discuss, instead. She has chosen the wrong place to do it, or she normally likes to have her serious talks in places like that. Nevertheless, I would not go to her and I would look for another one. But Mother Nature be my judge, if her face or body would bring me spring then I would go, come hell or high water.
She may be very impressive or too well dressed for me. Blame me for not caring much for my clothing, but blame me not for not trying to approach her!!!!
She may be a thousand other things.
I will never find out what she is, unless I try to do so. Unless I make my legs walk and make my mouth speak happy and flirting words and my eyes unleash all my natural attraction towards her.
If I don't let myself free from fears and comparisons, then I will never enjoy her. And that's the most important thing I will do from now on.
Next time, as I enter the club's door, I will let myself free from any perceivable fear of women (and of myself) I might have.
I am 30 years old and I have no more time to waste. I have to love and take good care of myself. Nobody else in the world will do so for me.
I will stop paying any dues to my fears!
Vangelis Vassalakis
vangelis3b@hotmail.com
Read more!
I am in a somewhat crowded club.
There I see a girl.
I think she's beautiful. I like her. Oh, yes, I pretty much like her. Of course I feel that I want her. And, more than easily, comes that much-familiar feeling of embarrassment; that I must talk to her and I don't know what to say. I look at her again and she notices that I am doing so. I feel embarrassed and shy. Nevertheless, I feel a strong urge to have a talk with her. Damn, I want her. I begin visualizing some possible pick up lines. 'Hi', for example. Ok, then what? I can hardly imagine something smart and something original. 'May I buy you a drink?' - sh*t, it's outdated. 'May I join you?' - better, but a bit '70's style.
The time passes by. She looks at me for a second time. Wow, I gotta do something, man! My friend urges me to go on. 'Go and talk to her, tell her anything; a stupid pick up line is better than nothing! At least you tried. At best, you may lead a more relaxed and smart flirting conversation and end up laid! Go on, you bast*rd, move!'.
No I can't. I sit where I am and do nothing. I buy myself another drink, tell jokes with my friend, she swiftly looks at me for a third time, and after haven't noticing how the time passed by, she picks her coat and her female friends up and there they're gone.
Bye, bye, happiness!
Happiness not in the sense of getting laid (this brings joy), but in the sense of trying. Of being free from that filthy fear. Of being a free human being that can do what he wants (without hurting or oppressing others, of course). Of being able to do things for his life. Of being able 'to freely bloom. That is my definition of happiness', as the famous lawyer Gerry Spence puts it in his book "How to argue and win every time."
When at home, during the coming days, I try to analyze the reason why I didn't do it. What did I have to lose? At worst, I could have faced rejection. But, by not acting, I got a 100% rejection. Not from that woman, but as a result of my worst enemy: my fear.
The following days I try to analyze my fear. I go back in time. I had some traumatic experiences with my strict mother and father, and also my immediate environment didn't promote healthy social, sexual and loving human relations either. Also, I went to a boys Catholic-owned school with some Orthodox priests (I live in Greece) that did not want to accept the fact of human nature and were tyrannizing emotionally our sexuality, etc. etc. And then I go even back in time, remembering that I was raised by some stranger nannies since my ma and pa were working, and I probably have acquired some subconscious fears about stranger women. Ok, I have some acquired fears. Also, I have the all natural fear of rejection, that resides in most of us - men, women and kids.
Then, I decide that the combination of the above fears is what made me stand where I was, without acting and thus ruining my evening, my coming week and making me feel somewhat afraid of any future possible embarrassment on a similar situation.
And finally, I try to resolve the above fears by any available means (i.e. going to the psychiatrist, discussing with myself, discussing with friends, listening to my female friends blaming men for not being active and 'masculine' enough to approach them, and also visualizing myself acting in similar situations but without the fear or embarrassment and succeeding - the way athletes do).
But lately some thought occurred to my mind. Is it the above fears that prohibit me from flirting with a strange woman or is it something else?
I mean, is it possible that I am afraid not of rejection but acceptance, instead? Day after day, I began attributing a higher percentage on that latter factor than I did in the past. That is, I subconsciously think: 'Ok, she doesn't send me off. But she's better than I can handle. She will make me think of her all day long, she will make me be jealous, she will make me offer her expensive gifts all the time, she will be too good in bed and thus I will mind of not losing her, etc'. In others words, I think I am not good enough for her. She stands on a somewhat 'higher' level than I can handle.
And by virtue of the above, I keep sipping my JD straight and listening to Red Hot Chili Peppers' Californication. At least I have chosen a good club to spend my evening!
And there lies a possible solution for all us, fearful guys. Of course this solution is to face your fears and successfully resolve them as soon as possible, but also to realize your status. Why is she better than you? Is this true, or do you tend to perceive yourself on a lower level than the one you really are? Ok, she's much pretty, but you may be smarter. She may want good gifts, but what about the gift of good sex (even too good) she will offer you back? She might not be any beast, or any filthy wh*re, looking for men and money and diamonds, but have compassion and understanding, instead, in store for you!
She may be too joyful and you guys like moderate situations, but damn it - she's in a club to have fun! What would you expect her to do?
She may be somewhat low, talking to her friend (not her darling, guys!), but her low mood might be due to absence of a happy man (like us fellas!!), standing next to her and not to snobbism.
She may be much seriously talking to her companion. Then you better not approach. She's there not to flirt but to discuss, instead. She has chosen the wrong place to do it, or she normally likes to have her serious talks in places like that. Nevertheless, I would not go to her and I would look for another one. But Mother Nature be my judge, if her face or body would bring me spring then I would go, come hell or high water.
She may be very impressive or too well dressed for me. Blame me for not caring much for my clothing, but blame me not for not trying to approach her!!!!
She may be a thousand other things.
I will never find out what she is, unless I try to do so. Unless I make my legs walk and make my mouth speak happy and flirting words and my eyes unleash all my natural attraction towards her.
If I don't let myself free from fears and comparisons, then I will never enjoy her. And that's the most important thing I will do from now on.
Next time, as I enter the club's door, I will let myself free from any perceivable fear of women (and of myself) I might have.
I am 30 years old and I have no more time to waste. I have to love and take good care of myself. Nobody else in the world will do so for me.
I will stop paying any dues to my fears!
Vangelis Vassalakis
vangelis3b@hotmail.com
Read more!
Overcoming Shyness: Developing More Ease in Social Situations
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by Stefan Gonick, Psychotherapist
The first thing to know if you are suffering from shyness is that you are not alone. In fact, the majority of people report feeling shy in social situations (even if it doesn't look that way to others). Shyness is a very internal experience and is not necessarily that visible to the outside world. In fact, shyness is often mistaken for coldness, aloofness or "snootiness" by other people. You are probably surrounded by shy people all of the time without realizing it. Just knowing this can help reduce our feelings of isolation and shyness a bit.
So, let's say that you are at a party and would like to meet that cute guy or gal but are feeling very shy about taking action. Or maybe you would just like to be more friendly at this party in general. What can you do?
Ways to Reduce Shyness
One way to ease your general feelings of shyness at a party is to look around for someone who seems to be even more shy than you and go talk to that person. Approaching someone who seems more shy will help you feel more confident and less alone. You can talk about your common feelings of discomfort in social situations and feel support. After this successful experience you will probably feel ready to branch out and talk to more people. At the least you may have found a new friend.
Now, let's say that you want to approach someone that you find attractive. This is a more challenging situation. When we are feeling shy, our attention is turned inward. We are preoccupied with fears of being judged by other people. This is very inhibiting and makes us feel and act awkward. One way to deal with this is to turn our attention outward. We do this by focusing on what we like about the other person. Imagine saying positive, appreciative things to that person, like "I like your smile" or "I like how alive you seem" or whatever it is that makes the person appealing to you. Then, feel and say these appreciations to the person in your head as you approach him or her. You will be coming towards that person with the positive energy of appreciation rather than the energy of fear. This will help you feel more at ease and you will feel better to the other person. This technique can be quite helpful.
My last recommendation is practice. The more you try these techniques, the more comfortable you will become. Read the how-to guide called, "How to Overcome the Fear of Rejection: The Successful Rejection Experience" for an amusing story about intentionally getting rejected to reduce our fear of it. As with everything else, practice makes perfect.
Remember, you are not alone. Most of us feel shy in social situations. Practice these techniques, and you will meet more people in general and, hopefully, that special someone. Shy people of the world unite!
Read more!
The first thing to know if you are suffering from shyness is that you are not alone. In fact, the majority of people report feeling shy in social situations (even if it doesn't look that way to others). Shyness is a very internal experience and is not necessarily that visible to the outside world. In fact, shyness is often mistaken for coldness, aloofness or "snootiness" by other people. You are probably surrounded by shy people all of the time without realizing it. Just knowing this can help reduce our feelings of isolation and shyness a bit.
So, let's say that you are at a party and would like to meet that cute guy or gal but are feeling very shy about taking action. Or maybe you would just like to be more friendly at this party in general. What can you do?
Ways to Reduce Shyness
One way to ease your general feelings of shyness at a party is to look around for someone who seems to be even more shy than you and go talk to that person. Approaching someone who seems more shy will help you feel more confident and less alone. You can talk about your common feelings of discomfort in social situations and feel support. After this successful experience you will probably feel ready to branch out and talk to more people. At the least you may have found a new friend.
Now, let's say that you want to approach someone that you find attractive. This is a more challenging situation. When we are feeling shy, our attention is turned inward. We are preoccupied with fears of being judged by other people. This is very inhibiting and makes us feel and act awkward. One way to deal with this is to turn our attention outward. We do this by focusing on what we like about the other person. Imagine saying positive, appreciative things to that person, like "I like your smile" or "I like how alive you seem" or whatever it is that makes the person appealing to you. Then, feel and say these appreciations to the person in your head as you approach him or her. You will be coming towards that person with the positive energy of appreciation rather than the energy of fear. This will help you feel more at ease and you will feel better to the other person. This technique can be quite helpful.
My last recommendation is practice. The more you try these techniques, the more comfortable you will become. Read the how-to guide called, "How to Overcome the Fear of Rejection: The Successful Rejection Experience" for an amusing story about intentionally getting rejected to reduce our fear of it. As with everything else, practice makes perfect.
Remember, you are not alone. Most of us feel shy in social situations. Practice these techniques, and you will meet more people in general and, hopefully, that special someone. Shy people of the world unite!
Read more!
You Can Sit a Little Closer (If You're Nice)
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by Allen Thompson
Allen Schiffenbauer and R. Steven Schiavo did an interesting little experiment. They had a confederate (i.e. an ally of the experimenter who pretends to be a subject) sit either close to the subjects (2 feet), or far from the subjects (5 feet). In addition, the confederate behaved in either a likeable, neutral, or unlikable fashion toward the subjects.
What they found was when the confederate behaved in a LIKEABLE fashion, the subjects tended to LIKE the confederate MORE when the confederate sat CLOSER to the subjects than when the confederate sat farther away. Also, when the confederate behaved in an UNLIKABLE fashion, the subjects tended to DISLIKE the confederate MORE when the confederate sat CLOSER to the subjects than when the confederate sat farther away. Neutral behavior wasn't really affected.
So the moral of the story is...
If you're nice, and you feel you're making a pretty good impression on a woman, then it would be to your benefit to decrease the distance between the two of you... slightly. Sit a little closer. Stand a little closer. (A LITTLE closer. Don't lay all over her.) Or use body language techniques to decrease the "psychological" distance between the two of you (such as direct eye contact, open relaxed posture, leaning the body or head towards her, etc.).
On the other hand, if you feel you're not making as great an impression as you'd like, then it might be best to keep your distance... minimize the damage somewhat until you're more on top of your game. (Of course, this particular strategy wouldn't apply to any of you.)
What we're talking about here is simply one of the many ways available that you can subtly boost physiological arousal in women... and thus boost their emotional responses toward you. Sitting or standing closer to her will boost her arousal. In addition, you become the object of her attention... simply because it's hard to ignore someone who's close to you.
But remember, the key is to make sure that she likes you first. Then you can focus your attention on boosting that emotion.
(See From Like to Love for more on boosting arousal and turning friends into lovers.)
Read more!
Allen Schiffenbauer and R. Steven Schiavo did an interesting little experiment. They had a confederate (i.e. an ally of the experimenter who pretends to be a subject) sit either close to the subjects (2 feet), or far from the subjects (5 feet). In addition, the confederate behaved in either a likeable, neutral, or unlikable fashion toward the subjects.
What they found was when the confederate behaved in a LIKEABLE fashion, the subjects tended to LIKE the confederate MORE when the confederate sat CLOSER to the subjects than when the confederate sat farther away. Also, when the confederate behaved in an UNLIKABLE fashion, the subjects tended to DISLIKE the confederate MORE when the confederate sat CLOSER to the subjects than when the confederate sat farther away. Neutral behavior wasn't really affected.
So the moral of the story is...
If you're nice, and you feel you're making a pretty good impression on a woman, then it would be to your benefit to decrease the distance between the two of you... slightly. Sit a little closer. Stand a little closer. (A LITTLE closer. Don't lay all over her.) Or use body language techniques to decrease the "psychological" distance between the two of you (such as direct eye contact, open relaxed posture, leaning the body or head towards her, etc.).
On the other hand, if you feel you're not making as great an impression as you'd like, then it might be best to keep your distance... minimize the damage somewhat until you're more on top of your game. (Of course, this particular strategy wouldn't apply to any of you.)
What we're talking about here is simply one of the many ways available that you can subtly boost physiological arousal in women... and thus boost their emotional responses toward you. Sitting or standing closer to her will boost her arousal. In addition, you become the object of her attention... simply because it's hard to ignore someone who's close to you.
But remember, the key is to make sure that she likes you first. Then you can focus your attention on boosting that emotion.
(See From Like to Love for more on boosting arousal and turning friends into lovers.)
Read more!
How to Increase Your Success with Women By Never Dating Again
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by Swinggcat
A few hours ago I got a call from a woman I supposedly met a few months back. Skipping the usual chit chat and perfunctory social niceties, she asked me if I'd like to join her for a drink tonight.
Though flattered I was taken aback. I had no idea who this woman was. I asked her where we met, what she looks like, and what she was wearing when we met. It took her about five minutes of explaining herself for me to remember.
I wasn't intending to act rude.
The fact is… I meet a lot of women and it's hard to remember all of them.
But it took years of practice to get to the point where I am now.
For beautiful women though, even when their skill level at flirting and dating rivals Forest Gump, they still have heaps of men chomping at the bit for a date with them. Their hearts might be oozing with sweetness. But that doesn't mean they are gonna remember, make time for, or be interested in every guy who'd like to get his dirty little paws in their pants.
You've got to distinguish yourself from the herd. And it has very little to do with looks, money, or fame.
If you learn a few simple skills and avoid a couple of dating landmines, you'll have one-up on your competition. And you'll find it easier than taking a crap to get the women you desire out on dates with you.
For the most part dating doesn't take place until you've gotten a woman's number and talked with her over the phone.
Once you've gotten a woman's phone number, called her, and generated attraction inside her over the phone, it's time to get her out with you in person -- there's only so much phone sex a man can take.
Okay… Let's imagine you've talked to a woman over the phone a couple times. You guys have great conversations. The sexual tension between you is so thick you can feel it collecting against the side of your neck.
It's time to get her out in person.
"What's the best way to ask her out on a date?" you might be wondering.
DON'T.
That's right... do not ask her out on a date. Asking women on dates is a surefire way to make them run.
Sure, every so often it works.
But here are just a few thoughts that frequent a woman's brain when men ask them out…
* Oh no... he must really like me a lot, but I'm not sure I like him
* Is he ready to dive into a serious relationship with me? I hardly even know him. What if I go on a date with him and don't like him at all. That'll be so awkward.
* What if I end up liking him… but he ends up loathing me.
* What if I'm not as pretty as he remembers? I better use the phone as a peek-a-boo nightgown I can wear over my whole identity. That way I can keep the fantasy alive.
* If he takes me out on a date, he might expect me to sleep with him?
The list of negative thoughts goes on. But the fact is… even one of them can cripple your chances with a woman.
But there's something I discovered years ago that's 100 times more effective than asking women on dates -- not to mention, a heck of a lot cheaper.
Here's what to do...
After talkin' to a woman on the phone a few times, spontaneously suggest that you're about to go somewhere and she should tag along. Don't act as if you are going to propose marriage to her. The idea is to convey that you could care less whether or not she joins. You're just structuring an opportunity she can take or leave.
Also, assume she's going to say, "I wanna come." Believing a woman wants to hang out with you communicates to her that you're a Prize and exponentially increases the chances that she'll say, "yes."
Here's an example from my own life of moving a woman from the phone to out in person with me.
Years ago I had a "phone buddy" I developed a crush on. We had been talkin' over the phone for a few months. We got along great. But every time I tried asking her on a date, she'd give me the old N - O.
So one day I took a different approach. Out of left field I said, "Ya know… the weather is really nice today. I think I'm going to the zoo. Care to tag along?
She took to the bait and few hours later, she met me at the zoo. I didn't pay. Why should I have? We were just hanging out as buddies. After the zoo we went to a restaurant for dinner, and after dinner we went to a bar for drinks and after drinks we went to another bar for more drinks (BTW, she drove and paid for dinner and drinks). Before long her and I were locking lips.
Though I find this method works a thousand times better than asking women on dates, it's not full proof. Sometimes they still resist... even when they're attracted to you.
Reasons for their resistance range from testing to see if a man is the Prize to them having other men in their life to about a billion other reasons.
Don't sit around fretting over why a woman won't hang out with you.
Instead, follow this simple rule…
If a woman has talked to you over the phone more times than the number of fingers on her hand, calls you on her own accord, acts interested but resists getting together with you, do the following...
Stop calling her.
When she calls, don't call her back for awhile. Give her the gift of missing you for a nice, long week. If you had attraction with her and she enjoyed talking to you, she'll miss her conversations with you.
When you call she'll feel elated. Talk to her for a few minutes and then spontaneously suggest the two of you get together. If she resists and doesn't counter with something like: "I'm busy today. But let's get together tomorrow," spout, "I gotta go. Bubye!"
This communicates a very strong message. By saying this, you are letting her know that if she wants to continue the interaction she's had with you, she's going to have to meet up with you in person. If the girl likes you, this almost never fails.
But I should warn you...
If you can't consistently generate attraction in women, your chances of bridging from spotting a woman you find attractive to approaching her to getting her number to successfully talking to her on the phone to meeting up with her in person to becoming intimate with her, will be sporadic at best.
You could do what many other dating experts suggest and develop the qualities women find attractive in a man.
Yet the reality is... there isn't a universal set of characteristics all women look for in men. Different women have different preferences.
But… and this is big but… after years of toiling in the single scene trenches I've extracted a set of behaviors any man can develop that universally triggers attraction inside women (Note: there's a difference between what triggers attraction in a woman and what her preference is).
I've put all these secrets into a course where many men just like you have been catapulting their lifestyle with women. And many of these secrets you can't find anywhere else in the world.
Let me ask you...
Do you want more success with women?
Are you sick and tired of trying live up to a woman's ideal man?
Do you want the power to consistently trigger attraction in women - even if they find you less appealing than a turd?
If you answered yes to even one of these question then you owe it to yourself to get your hands on you a copy of my course right now. You deserve it!
I'm so confident that my course is going to drastically increase your success with women I'm going to let you test-drive it for free of charge. Don't like it, send it back. You won't be charged and we'll still be friends.
You have nothing to lose and everything to gain. I think you owe it to yourself to start succeeding with the women you really want.
Click Here to Get Started
Your Loyal Dating Coach,
Swinggcat
"Dr. of Attraction"
Read more!
A few hours ago I got a call from a woman I supposedly met a few months back. Skipping the usual chit chat and perfunctory social niceties, she asked me if I'd like to join her for a drink tonight.
Though flattered I was taken aback. I had no idea who this woman was. I asked her where we met, what she looks like, and what she was wearing when we met. It took her about five minutes of explaining herself for me to remember.
I wasn't intending to act rude.
The fact is… I meet a lot of women and it's hard to remember all of them.
But it took years of practice to get to the point where I am now.
For beautiful women though, even when their skill level at flirting and dating rivals Forest Gump, they still have heaps of men chomping at the bit for a date with them. Their hearts might be oozing with sweetness. But that doesn't mean they are gonna remember, make time for, or be interested in every guy who'd like to get his dirty little paws in their pants.
You've got to distinguish yourself from the herd. And it has very little to do with looks, money, or fame.
If you learn a few simple skills and avoid a couple of dating landmines, you'll have one-up on your competition. And you'll find it easier than taking a crap to get the women you desire out on dates with you.
For the most part dating doesn't take place until you've gotten a woman's number and talked with her over the phone.
Once you've gotten a woman's phone number, called her, and generated attraction inside her over the phone, it's time to get her out with you in person -- there's only so much phone sex a man can take.
Okay… Let's imagine you've talked to a woman over the phone a couple times. You guys have great conversations. The sexual tension between you is so thick you can feel it collecting against the side of your neck.
It's time to get her out in person.
"What's the best way to ask her out on a date?" you might be wondering.
DON'T.
That's right... do not ask her out on a date. Asking women on dates is a surefire way to make them run.
Sure, every so often it works.
But here are just a few thoughts that frequent a woman's brain when men ask them out…
* Oh no... he must really like me a lot, but I'm not sure I like him
* Is he ready to dive into a serious relationship with me? I hardly even know him. What if I go on a date with him and don't like him at all. That'll be so awkward.
* What if I end up liking him… but he ends up loathing me.
* What if I'm not as pretty as he remembers? I better use the phone as a peek-a-boo nightgown I can wear over my whole identity. That way I can keep the fantasy alive.
* If he takes me out on a date, he might expect me to sleep with him?
The list of negative thoughts goes on. But the fact is… even one of them can cripple your chances with a woman.
But there's something I discovered years ago that's 100 times more effective than asking women on dates -- not to mention, a heck of a lot cheaper.
Here's what to do...
After talkin' to a woman on the phone a few times, spontaneously suggest that you're about to go somewhere and she should tag along. Don't act as if you are going to propose marriage to her. The idea is to convey that you could care less whether or not she joins. You're just structuring an opportunity she can take or leave.
Also, assume she's going to say, "I wanna come." Believing a woman wants to hang out with you communicates to her that you're a Prize and exponentially increases the chances that she'll say, "yes."
Here's an example from my own life of moving a woman from the phone to out in person with me.
Years ago I had a "phone buddy" I developed a crush on. We had been talkin' over the phone for a few months. We got along great. But every time I tried asking her on a date, she'd give me the old N - O.
So one day I took a different approach. Out of left field I said, "Ya know… the weather is really nice today. I think I'm going to the zoo. Care to tag along?
She took to the bait and few hours later, she met me at the zoo. I didn't pay. Why should I have? We were just hanging out as buddies. After the zoo we went to a restaurant for dinner, and after dinner we went to a bar for drinks and after drinks we went to another bar for more drinks (BTW, she drove and paid for dinner and drinks). Before long her and I were locking lips.
Though I find this method works a thousand times better than asking women on dates, it's not full proof. Sometimes they still resist... even when they're attracted to you.
Reasons for their resistance range from testing to see if a man is the Prize to them having other men in their life to about a billion other reasons.
Don't sit around fretting over why a woman won't hang out with you.
Instead, follow this simple rule…
If a woman has talked to you over the phone more times than the number of fingers on her hand, calls you on her own accord, acts interested but resists getting together with you, do the following...
Stop calling her.
When she calls, don't call her back for awhile. Give her the gift of missing you for a nice, long week. If you had attraction with her and she enjoyed talking to you, she'll miss her conversations with you.
When you call she'll feel elated. Talk to her for a few minutes and then spontaneously suggest the two of you get together. If she resists and doesn't counter with something like: "I'm busy today. But let's get together tomorrow," spout, "I gotta go. Bubye!"
This communicates a very strong message. By saying this, you are letting her know that if she wants to continue the interaction she's had with you, she's going to have to meet up with you in person. If the girl likes you, this almost never fails.
But I should warn you...
If you can't consistently generate attraction in women, your chances of bridging from spotting a woman you find attractive to approaching her to getting her number to successfully talking to her on the phone to meeting up with her in person to becoming intimate with her, will be sporadic at best.
You could do what many other dating experts suggest and develop the qualities women find attractive in a man.
Yet the reality is... there isn't a universal set of characteristics all women look for in men. Different women have different preferences.
But… and this is big but… after years of toiling in the single scene trenches I've extracted a set of behaviors any man can develop that universally triggers attraction inside women (Note: there's a difference between what triggers attraction in a woman and what her preference is).
I've put all these secrets into a course where many men just like you have been catapulting their lifestyle with women. And many of these secrets you can't find anywhere else in the world.
Let me ask you...
Do you want more success with women?
Are you sick and tired of trying live up to a woman's ideal man?
Do you want the power to consistently trigger attraction in women - even if they find you less appealing than a turd?
If you answered yes to even one of these question then you owe it to yourself to get your hands on you a copy of my course right now. You deserve it!
I'm so confident that my course is going to drastically increase your success with women I'm going to let you test-drive it for free of charge. Don't like it, send it back. You won't be charged and we'll still be friends.
You have nothing to lose and everything to gain. I think you owe it to yourself to start succeeding with the women you really want.
Click Here to Get Started
Your Loyal Dating Coach,
Swinggcat
"Dr. of Attraction"
Read more!
Why Do Women Love James Bond?
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by Joseph Matthews
Question from a reader:
Is there a difference between a Nice Guy and a Gentleman? I consider myself a gentleman. Unfortunately I don't know how to tease girls or flirt, I haven't acquired the skills YET. So I act like a gentleman.
Kyle
My response:
Let me give you a brief language lesson...
The word "Gentleman" is really a combination of two words:
GENTLE and MAN.
Gentle can be defined as "affable, agreeable, benign, meek, trained... and nice."
Man can be defined as "boy, chap, dude, or... guy."
GENTLE MAN = NICE GUY.
The concept that the two are any different at all just doesn't work.
Saying you're a "gentleman" who doesn't know how to flirt, is the same as saying "I'm a man who likes to be nice to women and get nothing in return."
Now, if that's what you want, by all means, consider yourself a "gentleman."
You'll get a lot of nice smiles, and "thank yous" from the women...
Right before they go home with another guy who ISN'T YOU.
But here's where I think you're getting confused...
You don't NEED to be a jerk to easily attract women. It is possible to be NICE to women and have them be attracted to you.
But you can't simply be a sexually-neutered "nice guy" or "gentle man."
You NEED to have an aspect of male sexuality to your personality (i.e. flirting and teasing).
For instance...
Think of James Bond for a second if you will.
Here's a guy who'd be considered a "gentleman."
He's suave, smooth, and sophisticated.
But he's also IRRESISTIBLE to women. Why?
Because he has a lusty glare. He has a sly smirk. He speaks with double entendre. He teases the woman he's talking to. He emphasizes his sexuality.
And if you ask women if they would consider James Bond a "gentleman," they would totally say "YES!"
So what separates you from James Bond?
(Well, besides the fact you're not a secret agent for the British Government.)
Simple:
IT'S KNOWING HOW TO FLIRT!
Flirting isn't just for women! Men MUST do it if they want to attract a potential partner.
Being a good flirt is about embracing your own sexual nature as a man.
Now, this can be difficult if you're not used to it. But trust me, women love it!
If you think you're stuck being a "nice guy" or consider yourself a "gentleman," but don't find yourself having any real success with women, just use this simple rule:
WWBD.
WHAT WOULD BOND DO?
Would he stand a little closer to a woman than the average man would?
Would he look at her lustfully?
Would he smile and joke about sex with her?
Would he take the lead, grab her by the hand, and lead her to someplace more intimate?
The possibilities are endless when you know how to flirt and tease a woman.
If you don't know how to do this, you are really hindering your ability to attract the woman you desire.
If you want to get serious, and really want to create powerful attraction in any women, check out my book The Art of Approaching.
In it, you'll find out the best way to flirt with a woman, so you'll never get stuck being a "nice guy" again.
Just click the link right below now:
Click Here to Start Meeting Beautiful Women Right Now!
Don't waste another second being a "gentleman." It's time for you to be BOND.
Yours,
Joseph Matthews
Read more!
Question from a reader:
Is there a difference between a Nice Guy and a Gentleman? I consider myself a gentleman. Unfortunately I don't know how to tease girls or flirt, I haven't acquired the skills YET. So I act like a gentleman.
Kyle
My response:
Let me give you a brief language lesson...
The word "Gentleman" is really a combination of two words:
GENTLE and MAN.
Gentle can be defined as "affable, agreeable, benign, meek, trained... and nice."
Man can be defined as "boy, chap, dude, or... guy."
GENTLE MAN = NICE GUY.
The concept that the two are any different at all just doesn't work.
Saying you're a "gentleman" who doesn't know how to flirt, is the same as saying "I'm a man who likes to be nice to women and get nothing in return."
Now, if that's what you want, by all means, consider yourself a "gentleman."
You'll get a lot of nice smiles, and "thank yous" from the women...
Right before they go home with another guy who ISN'T YOU.
But here's where I think you're getting confused...
You don't NEED to be a jerk to easily attract women. It is possible to be NICE to women and have them be attracted to you.
But you can't simply be a sexually-neutered "nice guy" or "gentle man."
You NEED to have an aspect of male sexuality to your personality (i.e. flirting and teasing).
For instance...
Think of James Bond for a second if you will.
Here's a guy who'd be considered a "gentleman."
He's suave, smooth, and sophisticated.
But he's also IRRESISTIBLE to women. Why?
Because he has a lusty glare. He has a sly smirk. He speaks with double entendre. He teases the woman he's talking to. He emphasizes his sexuality.
And if you ask women if they would consider James Bond a "gentleman," they would totally say "YES!"
So what separates you from James Bond?
(Well, besides the fact you're not a secret agent for the British Government.)
Simple:
IT'S KNOWING HOW TO FLIRT!
Flirting isn't just for women! Men MUST do it if they want to attract a potential partner.
Being a good flirt is about embracing your own sexual nature as a man.
Now, this can be difficult if you're not used to it. But trust me, women love it!
If you think you're stuck being a "nice guy" or consider yourself a "gentleman," but don't find yourself having any real success with women, just use this simple rule:
WWBD.
WHAT WOULD BOND DO?
Would he stand a little closer to a woman than the average man would?
Would he look at her lustfully?
Would he smile and joke about sex with her?
Would he take the lead, grab her by the hand, and lead her to someplace more intimate?
The possibilities are endless when you know how to flirt and tease a woman.
If you don't know how to do this, you are really hindering your ability to attract the woman you desire.
If you want to get serious, and really want to create powerful attraction in any women, check out my book The Art of Approaching.
In it, you'll find out the best way to flirt with a woman, so you'll never get stuck being a "nice guy" again.
Just click the link right below now:
Click Here to Start Meeting Beautiful Women Right Now!
Don't waste another second being a "gentleman." It's time for you to be BOND.
Yours,
Joseph Matthews
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Is Not Knowing and Using this Simple Concept Sabotaging Your Relationships and Destroying Your Happiness?
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by Bryan Redfield
One of the biggest traps I've seen people who are unsuccessful in relationships fall into is they believe there are only two kinds of people: Givers and Takers. As a result, they usually end up being used.
In the Giver/Taker mindset, Givers always end up with Takers and Takers always end up with Givers. The reason is simple: A Giver can't take because then, by definition, he or she is no longer a Giver. And a Taker can't give because then, by definition, he or she is no longer a Taker.
Takers are selfish, Givers are unselfish. It's a great arrangement... for the Taker. Buy very abusive for the Giver.
Eventually, after years of abuse and pain, the Giver leaves, while the Taker blames everything on the Giver. The Giver then spends an indefinite period asking him or herself some version of: "What did I do wrong? How could I have made it work? If only I'd done 'X' (been more patient, more understanding, more supportive, etc.) it would have worked out."
I know, because I used to be a Giver. I went from one Taker to the next, getting abused over and over.
Then one day I had the good fortune of meeting a woman who was very successful with men.
I asked her how she commanded a man's respect, and kept it, hoping I could learn something that would help me out of my emotionally abused rut to use with the next woman I got involved with.
She said, "Bryan, it's really simple. Every one in abusive relationships thinks there's only two groups of people: Givers and Takers. But there's a third group. And once you know, understand and 'get' the third group on a gut level, it all starts to fall into place and your relationships start to work out. The third group is Sharers. Sharers know in their mind, their heart and their soul they deserve to receive as well as give. Sharers know, over the long run, the relationship will balance out to be 50/50 give and take. Sharers have a healthy self respect and they expect their partner to treat them with respect, the same respect they give their partner. When they don't, a Sharer leaves."
"Were you ever in an abusive relationship?" I asked.
"Sure. I was married to an alcoholic who blamed me for every problem he had. Then one day someone explained the concept of Givers, Takers and Sharers to me. It hit me hard, but I finally 'got it.' I went to my abusive husband of five years and told him I was leaving. He said, 'I'm trying. You just don't understand.' I said, 'You're wrong. I DO understand. And that's why I'm leaving. I deserve better than you.' And I left."
I hope you don't fall into the trap of being a Giver or a Taker. Think about the concept of being a Sharer, become one, and start enjoying relationships the way your deserve to.
Bryan Redfield
Creator of The Redfield System
Secret Pathways To The Heart Finally Revealed
bryan@theredfieldsystem.com
http://www.theredfieldsystem.com
Read more!
One of the biggest traps I've seen people who are unsuccessful in relationships fall into is they believe there are only two kinds of people: Givers and Takers. As a result, they usually end up being used.
In the Giver/Taker mindset, Givers always end up with Takers and Takers always end up with Givers. The reason is simple: A Giver can't take because then, by definition, he or she is no longer a Giver. And a Taker can't give because then, by definition, he or she is no longer a Taker.
Takers are selfish, Givers are unselfish. It's a great arrangement... for the Taker. Buy very abusive for the Giver.
Eventually, after years of abuse and pain, the Giver leaves, while the Taker blames everything on the Giver. The Giver then spends an indefinite period asking him or herself some version of: "What did I do wrong? How could I have made it work? If only I'd done 'X' (been more patient, more understanding, more supportive, etc.) it would have worked out."
I know, because I used to be a Giver. I went from one Taker to the next, getting abused over and over.
Then one day I had the good fortune of meeting a woman who was very successful with men.
I asked her how she commanded a man's respect, and kept it, hoping I could learn something that would help me out of my emotionally abused rut to use with the next woman I got involved with.
She said, "Bryan, it's really simple. Every one in abusive relationships thinks there's only two groups of people: Givers and Takers. But there's a third group. And once you know, understand and 'get' the third group on a gut level, it all starts to fall into place and your relationships start to work out. The third group is Sharers. Sharers know in their mind, their heart and their soul they deserve to receive as well as give. Sharers know, over the long run, the relationship will balance out to be 50/50 give and take. Sharers have a healthy self respect and they expect their partner to treat them with respect, the same respect they give their partner. When they don't, a Sharer leaves."
"Were you ever in an abusive relationship?" I asked.
"Sure. I was married to an alcoholic who blamed me for every problem he had. Then one day someone explained the concept of Givers, Takers and Sharers to me. It hit me hard, but I finally 'got it.' I went to my abusive husband of five years and told him I was leaving. He said, 'I'm trying. You just don't understand.' I said, 'You're wrong. I DO understand. And that's why I'm leaving. I deserve better than you.' And I left."
I hope you don't fall into the trap of being a Giver or a Taker. Think about the concept of being a Sharer, become one, and start enjoying relationships the way your deserve to.
Bryan Redfield
Creator of The Redfield System
Secret Pathways To The Heart Finally Revealed
bryan@theredfieldsystem.com
http://www.theredfieldsystem.com
Read more!
From Like to Love
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by Allen Thompson
So you've met the girl of your dreams, the one that makes your heart go apitter-patter, the one you intend to marry and churn out midgets with, the one you've been waiting for your entire life.
The only problem is... you're not the man of her dreams. Oh she likes you okay, doesn't mind spending a little time with you now and then, but doesn't want to have a romantic relationship with you. She wants to be "just friends." Arrggghh!
I feel your pain, brother.
One of the most common questions I get from Don Juaners is how to go about turning a friendship into a love relationship. How to charm this girl that you know, this girl that you fantasize about, the one who wants to be "just friends." How to make her fall head over heels for you and, perhaps even, start her thinking a few deliciously lustful thoughts about your derriere (the tramp!).
Well, I'll tell you right up front, there is no ONE technique. No ONE method or secret that will get her awantin' you bad. It's a combination of hundreds of little things. Everything you do, everything you say, everything you think, and everything you believe make up your PERSONALITY. And it's your personality which will be the impetus for her liking you, loving you, or even hating you.
Remember, your dream girl's no idiot. She wants the total package. She's not going to fall for some dopey little trick you picked up some place on the internet. However, she may fall for hundreds of dopey little tricks that you've mastered and incorporated into your own unique personality.
Now given that you understand the "total package" concept, there are definitely a few things that you can do - focus on - which can help you out in this area. Things which will greatly increase the probability of her experiencing the desired emotional response toward you (that being increased liking, increased attraction, and maybe even love).
Today we're going to discuss a psychological phenomenon known as Response Facilitation (RF). RF refers to the process of strengthening the dominant response in a particular situation. For our purposes here, we're going to use it to refer to the strengthening of emotional responses. In other words, making that girl who sorta likes you, REALLY like you. And making that girl who sees you as a "friend," see you as, maybe, a little more than that.
However, keep in mind that RF can work in other, unwanted directions as well. That is, you could take a girl who dislikes you, and make her REALLY dislike you. Take a girl who is angry at you, and make her REALLY angry at you. Or a girl who is afraid of you, and make her REALLY afraid of you. In other words, an intensification of her dominant emotional response toward you. So beware.
So how can we intensify emotional responses via RF?
Well, before we get into that, let's briefly delve into the nature of emotions themselves.
Emotions basically consist of two parts: a cognitive component (what you're thinking) and a physiological component (what you're feeling). The cognitive, thinking component determines WHAT emotion you're feeling... while the physiological, feeling component determines the INTENSITY of that emotion.
For example, if you're angry with someone, you're thinking all kinds of "angry" thoughts about that person (He's an idiot! This is not fair! I'm going to kill him!). You're also experiencing certain physiological sensations throughout your body that indicate to you that you're a little more than just displeased (increased heart rate, increased blood pressure, mild sweating, adrenaline surging throughout your veins, etc.). And the more intense the physiological aspects become, the angrier you FEEL.
Okay, so how about love? You meet the girl of your dreams, and you begin thinking: "My God, she's beautiful. She's adorable, charming, and witty. I think I'm in love!" Your body also begins a somewhat automatic reaction to her presence... or maybe even just the thought of her (increased heart rate, increased blood pressure, mild sweating, adrenaline surging throughout your veins, etc.). And the more intensely your body reacts, the more "in love" you feel. And what a wonderful feeling it is.
So... notice anything interesting about the two emotions above?
Yes, the physiological components are pretty much the same. The difference between being extremely angry, and being in a state of infatuation or love, has more to do with the cognitive, thinking component, than with the physiological, "feeling" component. You're thinking "angry" thoughts in the first example, and "love" thoughts in the second. Your body is reacting pretty much the same in both instances. And the more intensely your body reacts, the more "angry" or "in love" you feel. (Ever heard that saying that there's a fine line between love and hate?)
Now we're not saying that the physiological response is EXACTLY the same. It's not. But for our purposes here, they're similar enough that we can treat them as if they're the same.
So the "secret" is that we can use states of physiological arousal to intensify emotional responses. Remember, the arousal part of emotions is pretty similar from one emotion to the next, and the amount of arousal present determines the INTENSITY of the experienced emotion. Thus, it would be to our benefit to set up situations where our "dream girl" is highly likely to experience increased levels of arousal, and to pair ourselves with that arousal.
So, in a nutshell, we should be able to take a girl who likes us (mild physiological arousal when we're around) and make her REALLY like us, by adding "extra" arousal to the situation. The extra arousal will summate with that arousal which is already present so as to increase the intensity of her emotional response toward us.
How bout a real world example. A few years ago two of my friends, we'll call them Bob and Julie, decided that they wanted to get in shape. So they started going to the gym together and working out almost every day. Now these two were complete opposites... two people that you couldn't possibly imagine ever getting together... two people that had no business even considering the idea.
Now I'm watching this situation with great interest to see what, if anything, develops. Two complete opposites working out together every day. The physiological arousal from their workouts creating the perfect environment for RF to occur... and a "love" relationship to
bloom.
Yes, I pretty much "knew" what was going to happen. But I didn't say anything to either of them. This, in my warped little mind, would be an excellent little experiment. And would be a great test of the "power" of RF. Could it actually pull two people together who were complete opposites? I wanted to know.
Well, by now you can probably guess what happened. Within a few weeks they were boinkin' like crazy... hanging all over each other like a couple of love-sick teenagers (yuk!).
Yes, the physiological arousal from their workouts was so powerful in intensifying emotional responses that it paired off even complete opposites. Fascinating!
(Incidentally, guys, the girl was drop-dead gorgeous and the guy was average-looking at best.)
Similar things happen all the time, although most people don't really understand what's going on.
Take the couple who "gets off" on having sex in public places. What they're essentially doing is taking the excitement generated from doing it in public, and the fear of possibly getting caught, and using that extra bit of arousal to energize their sex lives, and their feelings for one another.
Or how about the couple that regularly gets into heated arguments with one another, maybe even escalating into acts of physical violence... but usually winds up ending the night with extremely hot and passionate sex. They're basically using their anger arousal to fuel their passion for one another.
Or ever notice that movies are funnier when you watch them with others than when you watch them by yourself. The presence of others is arousing, and this extra arousal helps to intensify our reactions to the movie. (Remember that tip I gave you a while back, that if a woman laughs at your lame jokes, then she probably likes you. Same thing.)
Okay, so how do WE use physiological arousal to make her "love" us... or at least like us a little more? (Arguments, fighting, fear, and other sources of negative arousal are NOT recommended by the way. It's best if the arousal you're using is of a pleasurable, or at least neutral, nature.)
Answer: By simply doing enjoyable yet arousing things together.
There is an endless variety of physiologically arousing things you can do with your "dream girl" which can help to intensify her emotional reactions toward you (and, by the way, intensifying YOUR emotional reactions toward her... you were warned). Most of these things involve something which I've come to label as FUN.
Now most people don't have a clue what FUN is or how to go about achieving it. And it's usually the last thing on their minds when trying to decide what to do on a date. After all, dates are supposed to be tense, stressful, serious, getting-to-know-one-another things. Right?
Wrong!
You know, now, that FUN and arousal leads to love and passion. You just have to use your imagination and come up with some innovative ways to generate the "extra" arousal you're going to need.
Ever had a "date" at an amusement park? What FUN! Thrilling rollercoasters, drenching waterslides, breath-taking ferris wheels. What a perfect date. What an arousing date!
Instead of dinner and a movie, how about dinner and dancing. Movies do nothing but take your minds OFF one another for a couple hours. But dancing involves FUN and arousal. Excellent.
I've already mentioned working out together. Not only will the physiological arousal make you look more appealing to her, but you just might wind up getting in shape too.
How bout those new indoor rock climbing places popping up all over? Or bowling? Or riding your bicycles together? Or rollerblading? Or a friendly match of tennis? Or a concert or sporting event where you get to stand up and yell a lot? These all involve FUN and arousing experiences and will help to intensify her emotional reactions toward you.
Do you have a motorcycle? This is a goldmine. Stick her on the back of it (unless she's deathly afraid of it). Not only will she be physiologically aroused from the ride, but, as a side benefit, she's got her arms wrapped around you the whole time. mmm.
I've mentioned just a few of the hundreds of ways available to boost the arousal level. Use your imagination. And always listen for any suggestions she has that involve increased arousal and say, "That sounds like FUN."
Read more!
So you've met the girl of your dreams, the one that makes your heart go apitter-patter, the one you intend to marry and churn out midgets with, the one you've been waiting for your entire life.
The only problem is... you're not the man of her dreams. Oh she likes you okay, doesn't mind spending a little time with you now and then, but doesn't want to have a romantic relationship with you. She wants to be "just friends." Arrggghh!
I feel your pain, brother.
One of the most common questions I get from Don Juaners is how to go about turning a friendship into a love relationship. How to charm this girl that you know, this girl that you fantasize about, the one who wants to be "just friends." How to make her fall head over heels for you and, perhaps even, start her thinking a few deliciously lustful thoughts about your derriere (the tramp!).
Well, I'll tell you right up front, there is no ONE technique. No ONE method or secret that will get her awantin' you bad. It's a combination of hundreds of little things. Everything you do, everything you say, everything you think, and everything you believe make up your PERSONALITY. And it's your personality which will be the impetus for her liking you, loving you, or even hating you.
Remember, your dream girl's no idiot. She wants the total package. She's not going to fall for some dopey little trick you picked up some place on the internet. However, she may fall for hundreds of dopey little tricks that you've mastered and incorporated into your own unique personality.
Now given that you understand the "total package" concept, there are definitely a few things that you can do - focus on - which can help you out in this area. Things which will greatly increase the probability of her experiencing the desired emotional response toward you (that being increased liking, increased attraction, and maybe even love).
Today we're going to discuss a psychological phenomenon known as Response Facilitation (RF). RF refers to the process of strengthening the dominant response in a particular situation. For our purposes here, we're going to use it to refer to the strengthening of emotional responses. In other words, making that girl who sorta likes you, REALLY like you. And making that girl who sees you as a "friend," see you as, maybe, a little more than that.
However, keep in mind that RF can work in other, unwanted directions as well. That is, you could take a girl who dislikes you, and make her REALLY dislike you. Take a girl who is angry at you, and make her REALLY angry at you. Or a girl who is afraid of you, and make her REALLY afraid of you. In other words, an intensification of her dominant emotional response toward you. So beware.
So how can we intensify emotional responses via RF?
Well, before we get into that, let's briefly delve into the nature of emotions themselves.
Emotions basically consist of two parts: a cognitive component (what you're thinking) and a physiological component (what you're feeling). The cognitive, thinking component determines WHAT emotion you're feeling... while the physiological, feeling component determines the INTENSITY of that emotion.
For example, if you're angry with someone, you're thinking all kinds of "angry" thoughts about that person (He's an idiot! This is not fair! I'm going to kill him!). You're also experiencing certain physiological sensations throughout your body that indicate to you that you're a little more than just displeased (increased heart rate, increased blood pressure, mild sweating, adrenaline surging throughout your veins, etc.). And the more intense the physiological aspects become, the angrier you FEEL.
Okay, so how about love? You meet the girl of your dreams, and you begin thinking: "My God, she's beautiful. She's adorable, charming, and witty. I think I'm in love!" Your body also begins a somewhat automatic reaction to her presence... or maybe even just the thought of her (increased heart rate, increased blood pressure, mild sweating, adrenaline surging throughout your veins, etc.). And the more intensely your body reacts, the more "in love" you feel. And what a wonderful feeling it is.
So... notice anything interesting about the two emotions above?
Yes, the physiological components are pretty much the same. The difference between being extremely angry, and being in a state of infatuation or love, has more to do with the cognitive, thinking component, than with the physiological, "feeling" component. You're thinking "angry" thoughts in the first example, and "love" thoughts in the second. Your body is reacting pretty much the same in both instances. And the more intensely your body reacts, the more "angry" or "in love" you feel. (Ever heard that saying that there's a fine line between love and hate?)
Now we're not saying that the physiological response is EXACTLY the same. It's not. But for our purposes here, they're similar enough that we can treat them as if they're the same.
So the "secret" is that we can use states of physiological arousal to intensify emotional responses. Remember, the arousal part of emotions is pretty similar from one emotion to the next, and the amount of arousal present determines the INTENSITY of the experienced emotion. Thus, it would be to our benefit to set up situations where our "dream girl" is highly likely to experience increased levels of arousal, and to pair ourselves with that arousal.
So, in a nutshell, we should be able to take a girl who likes us (mild physiological arousal when we're around) and make her REALLY like us, by adding "extra" arousal to the situation. The extra arousal will summate with that arousal which is already present so as to increase the intensity of her emotional response toward us.
How bout a real world example. A few years ago two of my friends, we'll call them Bob and Julie, decided that they wanted to get in shape. So they started going to the gym together and working out almost every day. Now these two were complete opposites... two people that you couldn't possibly imagine ever getting together... two people that had no business even considering the idea.
Now I'm watching this situation with great interest to see what, if anything, develops. Two complete opposites working out together every day. The physiological arousal from their workouts creating the perfect environment for RF to occur... and a "love" relationship to
bloom.
Yes, I pretty much "knew" what was going to happen. But I didn't say anything to either of them. This, in my warped little mind, would be an excellent little experiment. And would be a great test of the "power" of RF. Could it actually pull two people together who were complete opposites? I wanted to know.
Well, by now you can probably guess what happened. Within a few weeks they were boinkin' like crazy... hanging all over each other like a couple of love-sick teenagers (yuk!).
Yes, the physiological arousal from their workouts was so powerful in intensifying emotional responses that it paired off even complete opposites. Fascinating!
(Incidentally, guys, the girl was drop-dead gorgeous and the guy was average-looking at best.)
Similar things happen all the time, although most people don't really understand what's going on.
Take the couple who "gets off" on having sex in public places. What they're essentially doing is taking the excitement generated from doing it in public, and the fear of possibly getting caught, and using that extra bit of arousal to energize their sex lives, and their feelings for one another.
Or how about the couple that regularly gets into heated arguments with one another, maybe even escalating into acts of physical violence... but usually winds up ending the night with extremely hot and passionate sex. They're basically using their anger arousal to fuel their passion for one another.
Or ever notice that movies are funnier when you watch them with others than when you watch them by yourself. The presence of others is arousing, and this extra arousal helps to intensify our reactions to the movie. (Remember that tip I gave you a while back, that if a woman laughs at your lame jokes, then she probably likes you. Same thing.)
Okay, so how do WE use physiological arousal to make her "love" us... or at least like us a little more? (Arguments, fighting, fear, and other sources of negative arousal are NOT recommended by the way. It's best if the arousal you're using is of a pleasurable, or at least neutral, nature.)
Answer: By simply doing enjoyable yet arousing things together.
There is an endless variety of physiologically arousing things you can do with your "dream girl" which can help to intensify her emotional reactions toward you (and, by the way, intensifying YOUR emotional reactions toward her... you were warned). Most of these things involve something which I've come to label as FUN.
Now most people don't have a clue what FUN is or how to go about achieving it. And it's usually the last thing on their minds when trying to decide what to do on a date. After all, dates are supposed to be tense, stressful, serious, getting-to-know-one-another things. Right?
Wrong!
You know, now, that FUN and arousal leads to love and passion. You just have to use your imagination and come up with some innovative ways to generate the "extra" arousal you're going to need.
Ever had a "date" at an amusement park? What FUN! Thrilling rollercoasters, drenching waterslides, breath-taking ferris wheels. What a perfect date. What an arousing date!
Instead of dinner and a movie, how about dinner and dancing. Movies do nothing but take your minds OFF one another for a couple hours. But dancing involves FUN and arousal. Excellent.
I've already mentioned working out together. Not only will the physiological arousal make you look more appealing to her, but you just might wind up getting in shape too.
How bout those new indoor rock climbing places popping up all over? Or bowling? Or riding your bicycles together? Or rollerblading? Or a friendly match of tennis? Or a concert or sporting event where you get to stand up and yell a lot? These all involve FUN and arousing experiences and will help to intensify her emotional reactions toward you.
Do you have a motorcycle? This is a goldmine. Stick her on the back of it (unless she's deathly afraid of it). Not only will she be physiologically aroused from the ride, but, as a side benefit, she's got her arms wrapped around you the whole time. mmm.
I've mentioned just a few of the hundreds of ways available to boost the arousal level. Use your imagination. And always listen for any suggestions she has that involve increased arousal and say, "That sounds like FUN."
Read more!
The Magic Formula
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by Karl Felyshano
The dating scene can be murder. Consider the plight of the male antechinus, a tiny shrewlike marsupial that inhabits the forests of Australia. During his one and only mating season, he must scamper around feverishly, desperately seeking a willing female who'll concede him his single chance to propagate. So overwhelmed is he by the urge to merge that this sad little rodent may go bald, lose his teeth, develop ulcers and drop one-third of his body weight to find a date. By the end of the first week of mating season, the forest floor is strewn with scrawny, hairless, toothless corpses.
Not all of these marsupials end up in such a pathetic state. Some actually do find mates, settle down, have a family, invest in slow-growth mutual funds. But these are the lucky ones, the chosen ones, the ones who have what it takes to strike a female antechinus's fancy. Which makes us wonder: What is it, exactly, that makes one tiny hairless rodent more appealing than the next?
Better yet, what makes a normal, red-blooded man more appealing than the next? After all, we're animals too - not tiny, no, but increasingly hairless - and we're driven by the same instincts and participate in our own elaborate mating rituals. And when it comes to mating, some of us have our virtual pick of the litter while others struggle endlessly to find a partner. Why is that?
The answer lies in the nature of attraction. In humans, as in shrews, females are biologically programmed to desire certain things in males, and vice versa. "We don't attract women by chance, but rather women act on cues to certain desirable characteristics," says David M. Buss, Ph.D., University of Michigan professor of psychology and author of the book "The Evolution Of Desire." And that's not because of what society tells women; it's because of what evolution tells them. "The rules of attraction cut across all cultures," says Helen E. Fisher, Ph.D., Rutgers University anthropologist and author of the book "Anatomy of Love." "Women find certain traits more desirable than others, frankly, because these traits enhance their survival."
What all females, forest-dwelling or condo-owning, seek on a purely instinctive level is status, that one factor that signals that this is the guy they want. In the wild kingdom, status can take any number of forms: the amount of food in a male red-winged blackbird's territory, the protein-rich secretions offered by a male insect or the fullness of some male deer's antlers. For humans, it's no different. "It's the hallmark of the human animal - that women pick good providers - and status is a cue to power, protection and resources," says Fisher. Volumes of research clearly show that high-status men get more women than low-status men.
But what is status, and what marks one man as having it and another as falling short? It's money and power, yes, but it's a lot of other things, too. While having piles of cash and sleek wheels can be impressive, they cannot explain why Joe Schlump in accounting has such a drop-dead beauty queen for a wife when his paltry paycheck and 1975 Pacer aren't exactly big turn-ons. His status may not lie in his looks or trapping but rather in his dependability, his trustworthiness or his potential to be a good father. These are also signs of status - and they mean a lot more to some women than Maseratis and indoor swimming pools.
So perhaps you're a little jealous and you'd like to know what she sees in him. Or perhaps you're happy as a clam and you're still trying to figure out what she sees in you. Simple qualities, some of which you already possess, and some of which, if you don't now, you can. By making subtle, deliberate changes, you can increase your "mate value," the biological measure by which women subconsciously judge your attractiveness.
AMBITION. Ambition is a powerful magnet, not because it signifies status but because it signifies future status. Right now your bank account may be bulgin, but if you're not striving - or at least appearing to be striving - for something better than you have, your appeal wanes. That's because women are attracted not simply to the resources wealth offers but to the drive that pushes a man to seek wealth in the first place.
When women are asked to list the most desirable traits in a potential mate, ambition and industriousness are rated as indispensable. "Women developed desires for men who show a talent for gaining resources and a disdain for men who lack ambition," says Buss. In prehistoric times, an ambitious, resourceful man was the one most likely to bring home an elk to feed the family and figure out a way to use the antlers to beat back intruders If you show the desire to expand your wealth and influence (even if you don't happen to have any right now), you send out the signal that you're desirable. So keep looking for new responsibilities, new challenges; a little button-down derring-do can do wonders for your appeal.
BALANCE. While you're out there trying to change your little slice of the world, remember to take some time to relax and enjoy yourself. Women look for balance, and any kind of overindulgence, good or bad, makes them nervous. "If you meet a woman and you give evidence you're a workaholic, that tells her you may not be around to help with the kids and invest in the relationship," says Buss. The same goes for your drinking, your exercising, your football watching: If you eat, drink and breathe sports, you're not going to score. All things in moderation.
MODESTY. Like a peacock displaying his superior plumage to potential mates, a man who is sure of himself and shows it in his actions has higher success in finding a partner. But self-confidence must be legitimate to have any pull. "Women are quite good at distinguishing false bravado from real self-confidence," says Buss. Exaggerating your power, sexual adeptness or athletic prowess, which are acts of an amateur, will only signify your lack of status. Even the peacock can run into trouble, as his ostentatious display often attracts predators as well as sex partners.
TALENT. Boast not with words but with actions. Learn a unique talent that sets you apart from other men. By displaying that talent - whether it's playing the piano at a party, building a birdhouse or performing a magic trick (hell, David Copperfield used magic to snag Claudia Schiffer), you'll come off as supremely confident and a guy who's head and shoulders above the competition. "And you garner attention, a potent status cue," says Buss. "Plus, showing off your competence signals a take-charge kind of leadership, which is a cue to status."
SENSITIVITY, NOT SIMPERING. A little vulnerability every now and then may actually enhance you're desirability and status. In one study, women looked at sets of responses to questions answered either from a masculine point of view or an "androgynous" viewpoint - meaning a mix of both feminine and masculine traits. The women rated the androgynous male as more favorable in terms of intelligence, morality, dating and mating potential.
But here men have to walk a fine line. "As the feminine side grew, sexual attractiveness declined," says study author Robert Cramer, Ph.D., professor of psychology at California State University, San Bernardino. That's because, for all the talk of making men more sensitive, the truth is that "Women admire men who have firm beliefs, take control in financial or career decisions and protect them when they feel threatened," says Cramer. The key is to exhibit emotional sensitivity without exhibiting helplessness.
Do: Admit when you're wrong or ask for directions when you're lost; feel free to tear up a little during a Meg Ryan movie; express it when you're feeling hurt of sad; show some emotional fortitude when bad times hit.
Don't: Act helpless to get out of doing something you don't want to do; get defensive when you're in the wrong; chicken out after you've made a commitment; brood, sulk or play hurt to get what you want.
A COOL DEMEANOR. While a quick temper can create an aura of dark sexuality, in the real world it suggests you're as stable as a trailer park. "Moodiness signals to women an inability to handle stress, and that you're undependable," says Buss. "Being emotionally stable, though, suggests resiliency, an ability to cope with stress and setbacks," says Buss. Your best bet is to find a good stress-reduction technique - exercise, for example - that will keep you from blowing your lid at the slightest provocation.
A LITTLE JEALOUSY. So you're out with a woman so unbelievably beautiful she's causing a parade of fender benders. You feel uncomfortable and a little overprotective. That's good. "Women interpret jealousy as a cue that you're invested in the relationship as they are," says Buss. But don't let your jealousy get the best of you. "Too much jealousy signals lower mate value and status on your part," says Buss. Getting angry at the slightest glances from other men signals to the woman that you think she's out of your league and could find someone better. Chances are, she probably will.
SUBTLETY. "Often men erroneously think that because they welcome overtly sexual advances, women do, too," says Buss. But research refutes this. One study found that while women might think it's just fine to seductively suck on a straw or blow kisses to attract men, they find similar come-ons by men repulsive. "Even if a woman wants a one-night stand, suggesting you want the same is a big mistake," says Buss. That's because coming on like a satyr undermines your status and presents you as untrustworthy and unreliable. In fact, the criteria women use to judge men for a night of casual sex (being self-confident, funny, ambitious) aren't all that different from the standards they use when scoping a permanent mate. Even if all she has on her mind is a quick one, she'd like to think you're interested in much more.
By the way, in almost every scenario, the rule of thumb is, take it slow. Even if you're sure she's interested, let the game play out a little more. Your relaxed patience suggests higher status by convincing her you're neither desperate nor interested solely in a roll in the hay.
HUMOR. Women love comedians. They love comedy clubs. They love Jerry Seinfield, and he's no looker by any means. But there's a good reason that a sense of humor is rated as a highly desirable trait in studies of attraction. "Beyond displaying a playful, easygoing attitude, a sense of humor conveys a social presence, which translates into high status," says Buss. Being funny in front of others (as opposed to doing it alone in front of a mirror) shows the confidence to command the attention of a group. That confidence suggests you're on top of things without being uptight. And that relaxed self-assurance is usually a by-product of attaining high status.
Now some guys are funny and some guys aren't. If you're one of those men who just can't tell a joke to save their own life, fine. At least learn to laugh at yourself and see the humor in a variety of circumstances. Men who never smile are equated with social ineptitude and lower status.
A STRONG VOICE. Here's an easy way to attain status: Concentrate on your speaking voice. Studies suggest a low, smooth, strong voice without a wide range of pitch (meaning a consistent tone) is strongly attractive to the opposite sex. "A low, resonant voice may serve as an indicator of virility or a good sexual partner," says Miron Zuckerman, Ph.D., of the department of psychology at the University of Rochester, New York. A nasal-sounding, squeaky, high or shrill voice was found to be unappealing. But if you've ever watched Roseanne, you already know that.
A SMALL DEGREE OF FAME. A sure way to attract women is to become famous. "Fame converts to status and status converts to resources," says Fisher. Since you may not ever get the chance to guest of Charlie Rose or save the earth from a crashing meteor, better to cultivate a little fame locally. "It's really in your neighborhood where fame counts," says Fisher. "It's there that you'll meet women and hope to impress them." That means becoming involved in local charities and politics, and keeping a somewhat high profile in social circles. You'll meet more people and be seen by more people, which will add to your prestige. And don't worry if your fame-attained status never gets beyond the city limits. "Status doesn't travel very well, anyway," says Fisher. "You can be an extremely high-status Tongan, but go to New York and see where that'll get you."
Read more!
The dating scene can be murder. Consider the plight of the male antechinus, a tiny shrewlike marsupial that inhabits the forests of Australia. During his one and only mating season, he must scamper around feverishly, desperately seeking a willing female who'll concede him his single chance to propagate. So overwhelmed is he by the urge to merge that this sad little rodent may go bald, lose his teeth, develop ulcers and drop one-third of his body weight to find a date. By the end of the first week of mating season, the forest floor is strewn with scrawny, hairless, toothless corpses.
Not all of these marsupials end up in such a pathetic state. Some actually do find mates, settle down, have a family, invest in slow-growth mutual funds. But these are the lucky ones, the chosen ones, the ones who have what it takes to strike a female antechinus's fancy. Which makes us wonder: What is it, exactly, that makes one tiny hairless rodent more appealing than the next?
Better yet, what makes a normal, red-blooded man more appealing than the next? After all, we're animals too - not tiny, no, but increasingly hairless - and we're driven by the same instincts and participate in our own elaborate mating rituals. And when it comes to mating, some of us have our virtual pick of the litter while others struggle endlessly to find a partner. Why is that?
The answer lies in the nature of attraction. In humans, as in shrews, females are biologically programmed to desire certain things in males, and vice versa. "We don't attract women by chance, but rather women act on cues to certain desirable characteristics," says David M. Buss, Ph.D., University of Michigan professor of psychology and author of the book "The Evolution Of Desire." And that's not because of what society tells women; it's because of what evolution tells them. "The rules of attraction cut across all cultures," says Helen E. Fisher, Ph.D., Rutgers University anthropologist and author of the book "Anatomy of Love." "Women find certain traits more desirable than others, frankly, because these traits enhance their survival."
What all females, forest-dwelling or condo-owning, seek on a purely instinctive level is status, that one factor that signals that this is the guy they want. In the wild kingdom, status can take any number of forms: the amount of food in a male red-winged blackbird's territory, the protein-rich secretions offered by a male insect or the fullness of some male deer's antlers. For humans, it's no different. "It's the hallmark of the human animal - that women pick good providers - and status is a cue to power, protection and resources," says Fisher. Volumes of research clearly show that high-status men get more women than low-status men.
But what is status, and what marks one man as having it and another as falling short? It's money and power, yes, but it's a lot of other things, too. While having piles of cash and sleek wheels can be impressive, they cannot explain why Joe Schlump in accounting has such a drop-dead beauty queen for a wife when his paltry paycheck and 1975 Pacer aren't exactly big turn-ons. His status may not lie in his looks or trapping but rather in his dependability, his trustworthiness or his potential to be a good father. These are also signs of status - and they mean a lot more to some women than Maseratis and indoor swimming pools.
So perhaps you're a little jealous and you'd like to know what she sees in him. Or perhaps you're happy as a clam and you're still trying to figure out what she sees in you. Simple qualities, some of which you already possess, and some of which, if you don't now, you can. By making subtle, deliberate changes, you can increase your "mate value," the biological measure by which women subconsciously judge your attractiveness.
AMBITION. Ambition is a powerful magnet, not because it signifies status but because it signifies future status. Right now your bank account may be bulgin, but if you're not striving - or at least appearing to be striving - for something better than you have, your appeal wanes. That's because women are attracted not simply to the resources wealth offers but to the drive that pushes a man to seek wealth in the first place.
When women are asked to list the most desirable traits in a potential mate, ambition and industriousness are rated as indispensable. "Women developed desires for men who show a talent for gaining resources and a disdain for men who lack ambition," says Buss. In prehistoric times, an ambitious, resourceful man was the one most likely to bring home an elk to feed the family and figure out a way to use the antlers to beat back intruders If you show the desire to expand your wealth and influence (even if you don't happen to have any right now), you send out the signal that you're desirable. So keep looking for new responsibilities, new challenges; a little button-down derring-do can do wonders for your appeal.
BALANCE. While you're out there trying to change your little slice of the world, remember to take some time to relax and enjoy yourself. Women look for balance, and any kind of overindulgence, good or bad, makes them nervous. "If you meet a woman and you give evidence you're a workaholic, that tells her you may not be around to help with the kids and invest in the relationship," says Buss. The same goes for your drinking, your exercising, your football watching: If you eat, drink and breathe sports, you're not going to score. All things in moderation.
MODESTY. Like a peacock displaying his superior plumage to potential mates, a man who is sure of himself and shows it in his actions has higher success in finding a partner. But self-confidence must be legitimate to have any pull. "Women are quite good at distinguishing false bravado from real self-confidence," says Buss. Exaggerating your power, sexual adeptness or athletic prowess, which are acts of an amateur, will only signify your lack of status. Even the peacock can run into trouble, as his ostentatious display often attracts predators as well as sex partners.
TALENT. Boast not with words but with actions. Learn a unique talent that sets you apart from other men. By displaying that talent - whether it's playing the piano at a party, building a birdhouse or performing a magic trick (hell, David Copperfield used magic to snag Claudia Schiffer), you'll come off as supremely confident and a guy who's head and shoulders above the competition. "And you garner attention, a potent status cue," says Buss. "Plus, showing off your competence signals a take-charge kind of leadership, which is a cue to status."
SENSITIVITY, NOT SIMPERING. A little vulnerability every now and then may actually enhance you're desirability and status. In one study, women looked at sets of responses to questions answered either from a masculine point of view or an "androgynous" viewpoint - meaning a mix of both feminine and masculine traits. The women rated the androgynous male as more favorable in terms of intelligence, morality, dating and mating potential.
But here men have to walk a fine line. "As the feminine side grew, sexual attractiveness declined," says study author Robert Cramer, Ph.D., professor of psychology at California State University, San Bernardino. That's because, for all the talk of making men more sensitive, the truth is that "Women admire men who have firm beliefs, take control in financial or career decisions and protect them when they feel threatened," says Cramer. The key is to exhibit emotional sensitivity without exhibiting helplessness.
Do: Admit when you're wrong or ask for directions when you're lost; feel free to tear up a little during a Meg Ryan movie; express it when you're feeling hurt of sad; show some emotional fortitude when bad times hit.
Don't: Act helpless to get out of doing something you don't want to do; get defensive when you're in the wrong; chicken out after you've made a commitment; brood, sulk or play hurt to get what you want.
A COOL DEMEANOR. While a quick temper can create an aura of dark sexuality, in the real world it suggests you're as stable as a trailer park. "Moodiness signals to women an inability to handle stress, and that you're undependable," says Buss. "Being emotionally stable, though, suggests resiliency, an ability to cope with stress and setbacks," says Buss. Your best bet is to find a good stress-reduction technique - exercise, for example - that will keep you from blowing your lid at the slightest provocation.
A LITTLE JEALOUSY. So you're out with a woman so unbelievably beautiful she's causing a parade of fender benders. You feel uncomfortable and a little overprotective. That's good. "Women interpret jealousy as a cue that you're invested in the relationship as they are," says Buss. But don't let your jealousy get the best of you. "Too much jealousy signals lower mate value and status on your part," says Buss. Getting angry at the slightest glances from other men signals to the woman that you think she's out of your league and could find someone better. Chances are, she probably will.
SUBTLETY. "Often men erroneously think that because they welcome overtly sexual advances, women do, too," says Buss. But research refutes this. One study found that while women might think it's just fine to seductively suck on a straw or blow kisses to attract men, they find similar come-ons by men repulsive. "Even if a woman wants a one-night stand, suggesting you want the same is a big mistake," says Buss. That's because coming on like a satyr undermines your status and presents you as untrustworthy and unreliable. In fact, the criteria women use to judge men for a night of casual sex (being self-confident, funny, ambitious) aren't all that different from the standards they use when scoping a permanent mate. Even if all she has on her mind is a quick one, she'd like to think you're interested in much more.
By the way, in almost every scenario, the rule of thumb is, take it slow. Even if you're sure she's interested, let the game play out a little more. Your relaxed patience suggests higher status by convincing her you're neither desperate nor interested solely in a roll in the hay.
HUMOR. Women love comedians. They love comedy clubs. They love Jerry Seinfield, and he's no looker by any means. But there's a good reason that a sense of humor is rated as a highly desirable trait in studies of attraction. "Beyond displaying a playful, easygoing attitude, a sense of humor conveys a social presence, which translates into high status," says Buss. Being funny in front of others (as opposed to doing it alone in front of a mirror) shows the confidence to command the attention of a group. That confidence suggests you're on top of things without being uptight. And that relaxed self-assurance is usually a by-product of attaining high status.
Now some guys are funny and some guys aren't. If you're one of those men who just can't tell a joke to save their own life, fine. At least learn to laugh at yourself and see the humor in a variety of circumstances. Men who never smile are equated with social ineptitude and lower status.
A STRONG VOICE. Here's an easy way to attain status: Concentrate on your speaking voice. Studies suggest a low, smooth, strong voice without a wide range of pitch (meaning a consistent tone) is strongly attractive to the opposite sex. "A low, resonant voice may serve as an indicator of virility or a good sexual partner," says Miron Zuckerman, Ph.D., of the department of psychology at the University of Rochester, New York. A nasal-sounding, squeaky, high or shrill voice was found to be unappealing. But if you've ever watched Roseanne, you already know that.
A SMALL DEGREE OF FAME. A sure way to attract women is to become famous. "Fame converts to status and status converts to resources," says Fisher. Since you may not ever get the chance to guest of Charlie Rose or save the earth from a crashing meteor, better to cultivate a little fame locally. "It's really in your neighborhood where fame counts," says Fisher. "It's there that you'll meet women and hope to impress them." That means becoming involved in local charities and politics, and keeping a somewhat high profile in social circles. You'll meet more people and be seen by more people, which will add to your prestige. And don't worry if your fame-attained status never gets beyond the city limits. "Status doesn't travel very well, anyway," says Fisher. "You can be an extremely high-status Tongan, but go to New York and see where that'll get you."
Read more!
Creating Intimacy With Women Through Self Disclosure
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by Allen Thompson
Talk to me. Tell me your dreams.
Am I in them?
Tell me your fears.
Are you scared?
Tell me your stories.
I'm not afraid of who you are.
We can fly!
- Madonna
Let's talk a little about intimacy.
Our interactions with other people, dates that we go on, and conversations in general, are characterized by what psychologists often call the Reveal-Conceal Dilemma.
That is, in order to get to know someone, in order to get closer, in order to create friendship, intimacy, or love, you have to reveal yourself. You have to reveal personal, private things that help the other to get to know who you really are. And the other person, likewise, has to reciprocate, revealing personal, private things about him/herself.
But, and here's the tricky part, reveal too much too soon, or reveal the wrong types of things, and you run the risk of scaring the other, or overwhelming them with too much information.
No doubt at some point you've met someone who, for some strange reason, decided to tell you his life story. Including all kinds of personal, intimate details you wished he had kept to himself. How odd this person seems. And how glad we are to finally "escape" from him.
Not only that, but revealing ourselves to others is, in itself, extremely risky. When we reveal, we display our private selves, our private lives, our private thoughts and feelings for others to evaluate and judge. If they respond positively, we feel great. But if they respond negatively....
What we're talking about here is SELF-DISCLOSURE. Self-disclosure involves revealing personal details about ourselves, our past, our thoughts, our feelings, or any other information which makes us "knowable" to another. Disclosing involves openness, a desire to get closer to another, and an implied trust in the person we're revealing ourselves to.
Thus, we usually don't tell disclosing kind of stuff to just anyone.
Acquaintances don't disclose. Co-workers don't disclose. People we know on a casual level, we tend to communicate with on a casual level. But disclosing IS one of the defining characteristics of friends and lovers. Without an ample dose of healthy self-disclosure, there can be no intimacy.
And these disclosures can be classified in terms of the RISK involved in their revelations. That is, we have low-risk disclosures - such as the fact that you have a dog named Snot. Medium-risk disclosures - such as the fact that you're not very athletic and never were any good at sports. And high-risk disclosures - such as the fact that you were abused as a child and spent several years in therapy as a result.
The degree of risk refers to how much you open up and how VULNERABLE you make yourself to the JUDGMENTS of others.
If you tell a girl about your dog, your degree of vulnerability is low. If you tell her you're not very athletic, you're a little more vulnerable because she may prefer athletic guys and possibly think less of you. If you tell her about your childhood and the years of therapy, you're definitely in the high-risk area. You're taking a chance by trusting her with very personal information... the type of information you rarely trust to others.
Disclosures are the fuel of friendship, intimacy, and love. Without disclosures neither friendship, nor intimacy, nor love can exist.
SMALL TALK is a type of non-disclosing communication that's frequently used to help us "size up others" before we take a chance on disclosing to them. Small talk doesn't reveal anything about us... and doesn't foster a sense of closeness or friendship. You can't small talk your way into another's heart. You can only get there by disclosing.
Why? Because disclosures imply that the other person is special. You're TRUSTING the other with personal information about yourself. And you're flattering them by implying that you like them and want to get to know them better... by disclosing with them. And if it happens to be a medium or high-risk disclosure, this trust and openness creates a BOND which serves to tie people together in an unseen, but very powerful way. These bonds have the potential to create incredible relationships, strong friendships, or magnificent love affairs.
Now if we apply this simple concept of self-disclosures to a dating scenario, it's often easy to ascertain what the purpose of a date is, what often goes wrong, and how to go about pulling off the successful date.
The prototype for a successful date follows a pattern of communication from casual to intimate. You usually start off with small talk or some other non-disclosing type of talk which helps to break the ice and get things rolling. You then proceed to a series of low-risk disclosures with occasional medium-risk disclosures thrown in to help create the necessary bonds. High-risk disclosures are fairly rare early on but may pop up occasionally if things are really going well.
The key to making the date "successful" is the use of MATCHING DISCLOSURES. By matching we mean that each person is disclosing at a similar level. One person makes a low-risk disclosure and the other follows (at an appropriate time) with a similar low-risk disclosure. One person tosses in a medium-risk disclosure and the other follows with a more intimate, medium-risk disclosure of his own. In this way the two dating participants gradually open up and reveal themselves to one another.
They don't overwhelm the other with too many disclosures, or high-risk disclosures. But they don't bore the other with two hours of small talk either.
Throw in a few good active, reflective listening skills and you've got the makings of a wonderful dating experience.
Dating problems arise, often chronic dating problems which baffle and frustrate, when this simple formula is ignored.
For example, one guy may be extremely good at meeting women, getting phone numbers, and getting dates, but runs into problems once the dating actually begins. Outwardly he seems charming, charismatic, and confident. But the dates are usually duds, and the second and third dates rarely come, because he can't seem to create the "intimacy" necessary to BOND the relationship.
His conversation consists almost entirely of non-disclosing talk (boring), because he's unable or unwilling to take a chance and display his "real" self. He conceals too much. Being ignorant of the prototype, he continually deviates from it, and grows increasingly frustrated with his lack of success.
Another guy may have the seemingly opposite problem: he reveals too much too soon. He overwhelms his dates with too many disclosures. Low-risk, medium-risk, high-risk, he hasn't a clue about what's appropriate and what's not. Not understanding the importance of BALANCE, he continues to talk and talk, telling way more than he should... and pretty much ignores her self-disclosing "hints."
Most likely his problem is talking too much and listening too little, as others will usually match your disclosure level if given the opportunity. (The "opportunity" basically means you acting interested in what they have to say.)
So, in a nutshell, there are three types of disclosure-related problems which can appear and ruin our often eagerly anticipated dates:
1) Neither person is self-disclosing. You're basically boring one another to death with way too much small talk. Keep in mind that small talk pretty much loses its "purpose" once your date begins and the conversation starts to flow. Remember, your goal is to create a sense of intimacy that will bond the two of you together... which will make it much more likely that dates 2, 3, and maybe 5000 will occur... and make it much more likely that you will want dates 2, 3, and 5000 to occur.
To solve this problem — you need to RECOGNIZE what is happening. You then begin to "set the tone" by tossing some low-risk disclosures of your own into the conversation. Usually she will reciprocate and begin to match them with similar low-risk disclosures. But if she doesn't, then you need to "draw her out" by asking questions and rewarding her answers with attentive listening. Remember, BOTH of you must disclose if intimacy is to develop.
2) You're disclosing more than she is. You're either talking too much (most likely) or perhaps she's shy or has some other reservation about opening up to you. (For instance, a woman who really didn't want to go out with you, but did so because she felt trapped, or maybe she was just bored, will tend not to be very disclosing.)
To solve this problem — you need to RECOGNIZE what is happening. Then stop talking so much and concentrate more on listening to what she has to say. Especially focus your attention on any type of disclosing statement that she makes and reward her with attentive body language (maintain good eye contact, nod your head frequently, lean forward) and verbal reinforcers ("uh-huh" "yeah" "really"). And draw her out with questions if necessary.
3) She's disclosing more than you are. Most likely you're the type who is "afraid" of opening up to people you don't know very well. Or perhaps you see it as more manly to remain aloof (strong, silent type). Once in a while you may get yourself a lady who is a real talker and who makes it tough to keep the conversation balanced. But most likely the problem will stem from you and be one you can "easily" fix.
To solve this problem — you need to RECOGNIZE what is happening. And you need to realize that if you don't start BALANCING the disclosure level on this date, it's going to end up just like all the other dates you've been on recently. Disappointing. No chemistry. No returned phone calls. And no second date... much less the sizzling relationship that you were hoping for. You don't have to go out on a limb with medium or high-risk disclosures, but you need to make a conscious effort to throw out more low-risk disclosures in order to have any shot at bonding the date.
Remember, balance is critical. Matching disclosures are what create the intimacy necessary for a successful date. But balance refers to the level of disclosure not the amount. So this doesn't necessarily mean that you have to do exactly an equal amount of talking and disclosing. No way!
In fact, it's usually better to let her do a little more of the talking and disclosing, while you hold back some... to create a little mystery about yourself.
Now not only is this communication pattern, from casual to intimate, the defining characteristic of a successful date, it's also the defining characteristic of a successful love relationship.
Successful love relationships also follow the same pattern, progressing from casual to intimate, with each partner gradually revealing more and more of themselves. But in a relationship you're essentially operating on a different risk level. Medium and high-risk disclosures become much more prevalent.
What I mean by this is a love relationship can't GROW based entirely on low-risk disclosures. It can putter along for a while with low-risk disclosures, giving you something to do other than sit at home and watch TV. But riskier disclosures are NECESSARY if true intimacy is to develop. This means opening up more and more to the other. And this means an increasing level of trust in the other. SCARY STUFF!
As mentioned, these medium and high-risk disclosures are what create the incredible ties which bond two people together, like magnets, in a relationship. These bonds can be very powerful and are virtually the only thing that can keep two people committed to each other for extended periods of time (like, till death do us part).
Eventually, being in love (that incredible state of infatuation) will wear off for most people. You will habituate to her, and she will habituate to you as you begin spending more and more time together. And your bodily responses will begin to normalize in each other's presence. (Breakups, divorces, and affairs frequently happen about now.) At this point, you may find yourself in a relationship with a real, somewhat ORDINARY person, whose major advantage over all the others is the fact that YOU KNOW ONE ANOTHER SO WELL.
And that's no minor advantage either.
Read more!
Talk to me. Tell me your dreams.
Am I in them?
Tell me your fears.
Are you scared?
Tell me your stories.
I'm not afraid of who you are.
We can fly!
- Madonna
Let's talk a little about intimacy.
Our interactions with other people, dates that we go on, and conversations in general, are characterized by what psychologists often call the Reveal-Conceal Dilemma.
That is, in order to get to know someone, in order to get closer, in order to create friendship, intimacy, or love, you have to reveal yourself. You have to reveal personal, private things that help the other to get to know who you really are. And the other person, likewise, has to reciprocate, revealing personal, private things about him/herself.
But, and here's the tricky part, reveal too much too soon, or reveal the wrong types of things, and you run the risk of scaring the other, or overwhelming them with too much information.
No doubt at some point you've met someone who, for some strange reason, decided to tell you his life story. Including all kinds of personal, intimate details you wished he had kept to himself. How odd this person seems. And how glad we are to finally "escape" from him.
Not only that, but revealing ourselves to others is, in itself, extremely risky. When we reveal, we display our private selves, our private lives, our private thoughts and feelings for others to evaluate and judge. If they respond positively, we feel great. But if they respond negatively....
What we're talking about here is SELF-DISCLOSURE. Self-disclosure involves revealing personal details about ourselves, our past, our thoughts, our feelings, or any other information which makes us "knowable" to another. Disclosing involves openness, a desire to get closer to another, and an implied trust in the person we're revealing ourselves to.
Thus, we usually don't tell disclosing kind of stuff to just anyone.
Acquaintances don't disclose. Co-workers don't disclose. People we know on a casual level, we tend to communicate with on a casual level. But disclosing IS one of the defining characteristics of friends and lovers. Without an ample dose of healthy self-disclosure, there can be no intimacy.
And these disclosures can be classified in terms of the RISK involved in their revelations. That is, we have low-risk disclosures - such as the fact that you have a dog named Snot. Medium-risk disclosures - such as the fact that you're not very athletic and never were any good at sports. And high-risk disclosures - such as the fact that you were abused as a child and spent several years in therapy as a result.
The degree of risk refers to how much you open up and how VULNERABLE you make yourself to the JUDGMENTS of others.
If you tell a girl about your dog, your degree of vulnerability is low. If you tell her you're not very athletic, you're a little more vulnerable because she may prefer athletic guys and possibly think less of you. If you tell her about your childhood and the years of therapy, you're definitely in the high-risk area. You're taking a chance by trusting her with very personal information... the type of information you rarely trust to others.
Disclosures are the fuel of friendship, intimacy, and love. Without disclosures neither friendship, nor intimacy, nor love can exist.
SMALL TALK is a type of non-disclosing communication that's frequently used to help us "size up others" before we take a chance on disclosing to them. Small talk doesn't reveal anything about us... and doesn't foster a sense of closeness or friendship. You can't small talk your way into another's heart. You can only get there by disclosing.
Why? Because disclosures imply that the other person is special. You're TRUSTING the other with personal information about yourself. And you're flattering them by implying that you like them and want to get to know them better... by disclosing with them. And if it happens to be a medium or high-risk disclosure, this trust and openness creates a BOND which serves to tie people together in an unseen, but very powerful way. These bonds have the potential to create incredible relationships, strong friendships, or magnificent love affairs.
Now if we apply this simple concept of self-disclosures to a dating scenario, it's often easy to ascertain what the purpose of a date is, what often goes wrong, and how to go about pulling off the successful date.
The prototype for a successful date follows a pattern of communication from casual to intimate. You usually start off with small talk or some other non-disclosing type of talk which helps to break the ice and get things rolling. You then proceed to a series of low-risk disclosures with occasional medium-risk disclosures thrown in to help create the necessary bonds. High-risk disclosures are fairly rare early on but may pop up occasionally if things are really going well.
The key to making the date "successful" is the use of MATCHING DISCLOSURES. By matching we mean that each person is disclosing at a similar level. One person makes a low-risk disclosure and the other follows (at an appropriate time) with a similar low-risk disclosure. One person tosses in a medium-risk disclosure and the other follows with a more intimate, medium-risk disclosure of his own. In this way the two dating participants gradually open up and reveal themselves to one another.
They don't overwhelm the other with too many disclosures, or high-risk disclosures. But they don't bore the other with two hours of small talk either.
Throw in a few good active, reflective listening skills and you've got the makings of a wonderful dating experience.
Dating problems arise, often chronic dating problems which baffle and frustrate, when this simple formula is ignored.
For example, one guy may be extremely good at meeting women, getting phone numbers, and getting dates, but runs into problems once the dating actually begins. Outwardly he seems charming, charismatic, and confident. But the dates are usually duds, and the second and third dates rarely come, because he can't seem to create the "intimacy" necessary to BOND the relationship.
His conversation consists almost entirely of non-disclosing talk (boring), because he's unable or unwilling to take a chance and display his "real" self. He conceals too much. Being ignorant of the prototype, he continually deviates from it, and grows increasingly frustrated with his lack of success.
Another guy may have the seemingly opposite problem: he reveals too much too soon. He overwhelms his dates with too many disclosures. Low-risk, medium-risk, high-risk, he hasn't a clue about what's appropriate and what's not. Not understanding the importance of BALANCE, he continues to talk and talk, telling way more than he should... and pretty much ignores her self-disclosing "hints."
Most likely his problem is talking too much and listening too little, as others will usually match your disclosure level if given the opportunity. (The "opportunity" basically means you acting interested in what they have to say.)
So, in a nutshell, there are three types of disclosure-related problems which can appear and ruin our often eagerly anticipated dates:
1) Neither person is self-disclosing. You're basically boring one another to death with way too much small talk. Keep in mind that small talk pretty much loses its "purpose" once your date begins and the conversation starts to flow. Remember, your goal is to create a sense of intimacy that will bond the two of you together... which will make it much more likely that dates 2, 3, and maybe 5000 will occur... and make it much more likely that you will want dates 2, 3, and 5000 to occur.
To solve this problem — you need to RECOGNIZE what is happening. You then begin to "set the tone" by tossing some low-risk disclosures of your own into the conversation. Usually she will reciprocate and begin to match them with similar low-risk disclosures. But if she doesn't, then you need to "draw her out" by asking questions and rewarding her answers with attentive listening. Remember, BOTH of you must disclose if intimacy is to develop.
2) You're disclosing more than she is. You're either talking too much (most likely) or perhaps she's shy or has some other reservation about opening up to you. (For instance, a woman who really didn't want to go out with you, but did so because she felt trapped, or maybe she was just bored, will tend not to be very disclosing.)
To solve this problem — you need to RECOGNIZE what is happening. Then stop talking so much and concentrate more on listening to what she has to say. Especially focus your attention on any type of disclosing statement that she makes and reward her with attentive body language (maintain good eye contact, nod your head frequently, lean forward) and verbal reinforcers ("uh-huh" "yeah" "really"). And draw her out with questions if necessary.
3) She's disclosing more than you are. Most likely you're the type who is "afraid" of opening up to people you don't know very well. Or perhaps you see it as more manly to remain aloof (strong, silent type). Once in a while you may get yourself a lady who is a real talker and who makes it tough to keep the conversation balanced. But most likely the problem will stem from you and be one you can "easily" fix.
To solve this problem — you need to RECOGNIZE what is happening. And you need to realize that if you don't start BALANCING the disclosure level on this date, it's going to end up just like all the other dates you've been on recently. Disappointing. No chemistry. No returned phone calls. And no second date... much less the sizzling relationship that you were hoping for. You don't have to go out on a limb with medium or high-risk disclosures, but you need to make a conscious effort to throw out more low-risk disclosures in order to have any shot at bonding the date.
Remember, balance is critical. Matching disclosures are what create the intimacy necessary for a successful date. But balance refers to the level of disclosure not the amount. So this doesn't necessarily mean that you have to do exactly an equal amount of talking and disclosing. No way!
In fact, it's usually better to let her do a little more of the talking and disclosing, while you hold back some... to create a little mystery about yourself.
Now not only is this communication pattern, from casual to intimate, the defining characteristic of a successful date, it's also the defining characteristic of a successful love relationship.
Successful love relationships also follow the same pattern, progressing from casual to intimate, with each partner gradually revealing more and more of themselves. But in a relationship you're essentially operating on a different risk level. Medium and high-risk disclosures become much more prevalent.
What I mean by this is a love relationship can't GROW based entirely on low-risk disclosures. It can putter along for a while with low-risk disclosures, giving you something to do other than sit at home and watch TV. But riskier disclosures are NECESSARY if true intimacy is to develop. This means opening up more and more to the other. And this means an increasing level of trust in the other. SCARY STUFF!
As mentioned, these medium and high-risk disclosures are what create the incredible ties which bond two people together, like magnets, in a relationship. These bonds can be very powerful and are virtually the only thing that can keep two people committed to each other for extended periods of time (like, till death do us part).
Eventually, being in love (that incredible state of infatuation) will wear off for most people. You will habituate to her, and she will habituate to you as you begin spending more and more time together. And your bodily responses will begin to normalize in each other's presence. (Breakups, divorces, and affairs frequently happen about now.) At this point, you may find yourself in a relationship with a real, somewhat ORDINARY person, whose major advantage over all the others is the fact that YOU KNOW ONE ANOTHER SO WELL.
And that's no minor advantage either.
Read more!
Women As Drama Queens
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A few posts from the SoSuave Discussion Forum on "Women as Drama Queens"
I was getting a haircut the other night and I overheard some woman telling another... "You know I need to have a little drama in my life."
A lot of women fall into this category. I guess it comes from a life of watching soap operas and Oprah.
These women need to FEEL something... ANYTHING... even if it is a negative, otherwise they grow bored and move on to the next guy.
This is why it sometimes pays to mix things up a little. One day be sweet and romantic, and the next day be cold and distant.
Guaranteed she'll spend HOURS on the phone dissecting and analyzing every nuance of your behavior with her girlfriends.
They are intrigued by the changes in your behavior.
I've said it before and I'll say it again. Most women are emotional masochists. They love a little relationship drama to spice up their lives and have some challenge to overcome.
Poosy Marauder
Being unpredictable is good, but in my opinion, switch that cold distance to teasing playfulness and make the mood change to something positive instead of negative.
Usually you can get the same results but the woman will be in a much better mood.
The cold distance feels like punishment and is best used when the woman does or says something that you don't like. Punishing someone who hasn't done something you don't like will confuse them in most cases.
Wyldfire
You're right on the money. Every aspiring DJ needs to keep in mind that EVERY woman loves drama in their boring ass lives to some degree.
One of my exes, who I had a two-year relationship with, once said to me tearfully after I broke up with her, "Why is it the one who makes me feel the best is the one who hurts me the most?"
By the way, of all my relationships, SHE's the one who stood by me the longest and through the most hardships.
All because I gave her drama.
WOMEN ARE SELF-DESTRUCTIVE IN THEIR RELATIONSHIPS.
They say, "Ohhh, look at that hot guy on that motorcycle. He looks so DANGEROUS! I must have him!"
Then she gets him and 5 years later, "I don't like you on that motorcycle! Those things are dangerous. I want you to sell it and WE should get something more practical... like a station wagon."
OR
She sees a successful, career oriented guy and says, "Ooohh... look at him. He has his life together and he's so successful! He has such a great, exciting job! Ambition turns me on. I must have him."
She gets him and 5 years later she's throwing a vase at his head, "You don't spend enough time with me! All you do is work! If you loved me, you'd take more time off to spend with me."
See what I'm getting at?
Why do women feel the need to seek out a guy and become involved with him, then try to CASTRATE HIM AND STRIP HIM OF THE VERY THING THEY WERE ATTRACTED TO IN THE FIRST PLACE?
Because, like Poosy said, women love drama. THAT'S why they get mixed up with jerks who treat them like s**t.
THAT'S why they love to "change" a man.
THAT'S why they start a fight with you over nothing 5 min before going out for New Years. (This has happened to me sooo many times.)
And THAT'S why HER INTEREST LEVEL WILL GO UP IF YOU WAIT AT LEAST 4 DAYS TO CALL.
My word is gold. Ignore it and be lonely or stepped on.
Jake Steed
Yes, like the uncontrollable urge that salmon have to spawn, or birds to fly south for the winter, women cannot control the urge to create conflict in their romantic lives.
Why? is the main question, I suppose. If things are going well in a relationship, the woman might feel she needs to add a little drama in order to "spice things up."
Perhaps her own insecurities generate a need for her to force the man to PROVE he still cares for her.
The man, on the other hand, is just grateful things have been cruising along smoothly for a while.
Women, of course, will deny they do this. It's like sleepwalking; they don't know they are doing it, but are powerless to stop.
Gipper
Read more!
I was getting a haircut the other night and I overheard some woman telling another... "You know I need to have a little drama in my life."
A lot of women fall into this category. I guess it comes from a life of watching soap operas and Oprah.
These women need to FEEL something... ANYTHING... even if it is a negative, otherwise they grow bored and move on to the next guy.
This is why it sometimes pays to mix things up a little. One day be sweet and romantic, and the next day be cold and distant.
Guaranteed she'll spend HOURS on the phone dissecting and analyzing every nuance of your behavior with her girlfriends.
They are intrigued by the changes in your behavior.
I've said it before and I'll say it again. Most women are emotional masochists. They love a little relationship drama to spice up their lives and have some challenge to overcome.
Poosy Marauder
Being unpredictable is good, but in my opinion, switch that cold distance to teasing playfulness and make the mood change to something positive instead of negative.
Usually you can get the same results but the woman will be in a much better mood.
The cold distance feels like punishment and is best used when the woman does or says something that you don't like. Punishing someone who hasn't done something you don't like will confuse them in most cases.
Wyldfire
You're right on the money. Every aspiring DJ needs to keep in mind that EVERY woman loves drama in their boring ass lives to some degree.
One of my exes, who I had a two-year relationship with, once said to me tearfully after I broke up with her, "Why is it the one who makes me feel the best is the one who hurts me the most?"
By the way, of all my relationships, SHE's the one who stood by me the longest and through the most hardships.
All because I gave her drama.
WOMEN ARE SELF-DESTRUCTIVE IN THEIR RELATIONSHIPS.
They say, "Ohhh, look at that hot guy on that motorcycle. He looks so DANGEROUS! I must have him!"
Then she gets him and 5 years later, "I don't like you on that motorcycle! Those things are dangerous. I want you to sell it and WE should get something more practical... like a station wagon."
OR
She sees a successful, career oriented guy and says, "Ooohh... look at him. He has his life together and he's so successful! He has such a great, exciting job! Ambition turns me on. I must have him."
She gets him and 5 years later she's throwing a vase at his head, "You don't spend enough time with me! All you do is work! If you loved me, you'd take more time off to spend with me."
See what I'm getting at?
Why do women feel the need to seek out a guy and become involved with him, then try to CASTRATE HIM AND STRIP HIM OF THE VERY THING THEY WERE ATTRACTED TO IN THE FIRST PLACE?
Because, like Poosy said, women love drama. THAT'S why they get mixed up with jerks who treat them like s**t.
THAT'S why they love to "change" a man.
THAT'S why they start a fight with you over nothing 5 min before going out for New Years. (This has happened to me sooo many times.)
And THAT'S why HER INTEREST LEVEL WILL GO UP IF YOU WAIT AT LEAST 4 DAYS TO CALL.
My word is gold. Ignore it and be lonely or stepped on.
Jake Steed
Yes, like the uncontrollable urge that salmon have to spawn, or birds to fly south for the winter, women cannot control the urge to create conflict in their romantic lives.
Why? is the main question, I suppose. If things are going well in a relationship, the woman might feel she needs to add a little drama in order to "spice things up."
Perhaps her own insecurities generate a need for her to force the man to PROVE he still cares for her.
The man, on the other hand, is just grateful things have been cruising along smoothly for a while.
Women, of course, will deny they do this. It's like sleepwalking; they don't know they are doing it, but are powerless to stop.
Gipper
Read more!
How to Be the Best Lover She's Ever Had
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by Allen Thompson
You want to be a good lover.
No, let me take that back. You want to be so mind-blowingly incredible in bed, that your lady, or ladies, would never even consider the possibility of leaving you for someone else.
You want them calling up their girlfriends the next morning saying, "Girl, I hope you're sitting down. Cause you're not going to believe what happened to me last night."
And, guys, being good in bed is not something that just comes naturally. You just can't hop into bed and "wing it" and expect to be an incredible lover. You have to know what you're doing. And like anything else in this world, being a good lover requires desire, knowledge, and practice.
Okay, you may be wondering, is being good in bed really important to women? After all, don't they "get off" on just hugging and kissing and romance and all that kind of mushy stuff? Should you really waste your time attempting to hone your "skills?"
Well, let me tell you a little story.
A few weeks ago I was having a little chat with one of my female friends about the state of her current relationship. She had been seeing this guy for a short while and they'd recently begun having sex... and she was not thrilled about it. In fact, she told me that she thought he "sucked" in bed (her words).
Now, they only had sex twice, and the first time she wasn't too disappointed, because it was the first time for them, and it was new, and kind of exciting. So she was able to overlook all his screw-ups the first time. But the second time out, she was hoping to actually enjoy herself some. Have a little bit of fun.
But she didn't. Once again, he "sucked." He didn't know what he was doing. And she didn't enjoy herself at all.
Oh, he knew where everything went, and he knew the basics... but she, like most women these days, was hoping for more than that. She was hoping for a skilled, knowledgeable, imaginative Don Juan. Instead she found herself with just your average old Joe.
And a few days later, she dumped him because of it.
Dumped him because he was a bad lover.
Dumped him because he didn't know what he was doing.
Dumped him because he never read the information that you're reading right now.
Now let me tell you a little bit about my female friend. I'm absolutely not exaggerating this, fellows, when I tell you that she is the woman of your dreams. Stunningly beautiful, smart, fun to be with, and everything else a man could possibly want. In fact, I cannot praise this woman enough. (Did I mention how stunningly beautiful she is?)
The guy that she was seeing must have been walking on air. So happy. He probably thought he'd found the woman of his dreams.
Now, I've never met this guy. I don't know him at all. But I can imagine what he must be feeling right now. Having been dumped by such a magnificent woman, he's probably sitting at home, severely depressed, trying to figure out what he did wrong. (Heck, he may have even found this site by now.)
And do you think that she told him the reason she dumped him - that he was terrible in bed? No. Of course not. Do you think that any woman will ever tell him that he's terrible in bed? Probably not. Do you think that any woman will ever tell you that you're terrible in bed, when she's giving you that little speech of hers about "just being friends" from now on? Very unlikely.
Protect yourself. Don't lose your dream girl because you don't know what you're doing. Learn TODAY. Start Here. Check out the reviews, get started, and become the lover she's always dreamed about.
If anybody does any dumping in your future relationships -- make sure it's you!
Read more!
You want to be a good lover.
No, let me take that back. You want to be so mind-blowingly incredible in bed, that your lady, or ladies, would never even consider the possibility of leaving you for someone else.
You want them calling up their girlfriends the next morning saying, "Girl, I hope you're sitting down. Cause you're not going to believe what happened to me last night."
And, guys, being good in bed is not something that just comes naturally. You just can't hop into bed and "wing it" and expect to be an incredible lover. You have to know what you're doing. And like anything else in this world, being a good lover requires desire, knowledge, and practice.
Okay, you may be wondering, is being good in bed really important to women? After all, don't they "get off" on just hugging and kissing and romance and all that kind of mushy stuff? Should you really waste your time attempting to hone your "skills?"
Well, let me tell you a little story.
A few weeks ago I was having a little chat with one of my female friends about the state of her current relationship. She had been seeing this guy for a short while and they'd recently begun having sex... and she was not thrilled about it. In fact, she told me that she thought he "sucked" in bed (her words).
Now, they only had sex twice, and the first time she wasn't too disappointed, because it was the first time for them, and it was new, and kind of exciting. So she was able to overlook all his screw-ups the first time. But the second time out, she was hoping to actually enjoy herself some. Have a little bit of fun.
But she didn't. Once again, he "sucked." He didn't know what he was doing. And she didn't enjoy herself at all.
Oh, he knew where everything went, and he knew the basics... but she, like most women these days, was hoping for more than that. She was hoping for a skilled, knowledgeable, imaginative Don Juan. Instead she found herself with just your average old Joe.
And a few days later, she dumped him because of it.
Dumped him because he was a bad lover.
Dumped him because he didn't know what he was doing.
Dumped him because he never read the information that you're reading right now.
Now let me tell you a little bit about my female friend. I'm absolutely not exaggerating this, fellows, when I tell you that she is the woman of your dreams. Stunningly beautiful, smart, fun to be with, and everything else a man could possibly want. In fact, I cannot praise this woman enough. (Did I mention how stunningly beautiful she is?)
The guy that she was seeing must have been walking on air. So happy. He probably thought he'd found the woman of his dreams.
Now, I've never met this guy. I don't know him at all. But I can imagine what he must be feeling right now. Having been dumped by such a magnificent woman, he's probably sitting at home, severely depressed, trying to figure out what he did wrong. (Heck, he may have even found this site by now.)
And do you think that she told him the reason she dumped him - that he was terrible in bed? No. Of course not. Do you think that any woman will ever tell him that he's terrible in bed? Probably not. Do you think that any woman will ever tell you that you're terrible in bed, when she's giving you that little speech of hers about "just being friends" from now on? Very unlikely.
Protect yourself. Don't lose your dream girl because you don't know what you're doing. Learn TODAY. Start Here. Check out the reviews, get started, and become the lover she's always dreamed about.
If anybody does any dumping in your future relationships -- make sure it's you!
Read more!
Being About Something
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by Henry Velez
I've noticed an interesting paradox. Some people don't really have much of an interest in hobbies or goals, they just seem to have lots of free time and aren't much concerned to do anything with it. To these people someone will eventually come along to tell them, "Get a life!" And then there's another group of people, who have perhaps one or two hobbies/goals they devote almost all their time and energy into. To these people someone will eventually tells them the same thing, "Get a life!"
Well, I just figure the first group is probably still in the "I'm gonna survey the scene and make my plan later" mode. I guess as long as that doesn't end up being the lifelong plan, I suppose choosing your path with some forethought is to be commended. As to the second group, I figure it's only because they spend their time doing something that doesn't interest everyone that they'll get the "Get a life" comment. If someone wants to devote their time to saving the rainforest, well... let 'em. It doesn't mean I have to or that it's my job to talk them out of it. If I want to devote my time to building a business and writing screenplays, then "so let it be written... so shall it be done."
Which brings me to the topic at hand... having a life. One of the common frustrations I've heard during many talks with women has been the complaint that the guy they love would be so much more 'attractive' if they had a goal or solid interest of their own that they pursued. At first they were attracted to their personality (or a cute butt) thinking that surely someone with all that personality had big plans for themselves. But by the time the emotional investment had been made, they realized the only consistent goal their man had in life was to finish all the beer they got on Friday before the weekend was over. Or some didn't even have aspirations that high going for them. They said they believed their man was capable of so much, if only he'd apply himself.
Now, the funny thing is that not all these women wanted their man to go out and make a successful career or have his own business venture. Several said they just wished he had his own hobby or interest other than being in a relationship. One woman complained that her, now ex-husband, would only show up to play on his softball league if she went to the practices and games with him. It really infuriated her that he didn't have the hobby as an interest of his own apart from her. And justifiably so.
As great as it can be to be near each other while in love, it's nice to know you each have your own pursuits and interests enjoyed independently of whether your mate participates in them or not. It could be a bowling league, helping out with a certain charity, a quilting club, whatever. But we like to know that our mate not only has talents and abilities, but that they like to apply them in some manner that allows them to see growth and skill improve over time.
Now here is a 'generalization' that, of course does not apply to all men or all women, but is none the less an observation I've seen enough to make note of it. Most women involved in a relationship tend to encourage and very much want their mate to be active in some pursuit, goal or hobby independent of her. Most men, -not- involved in a relationship tend to find women who are into a pursuit or hobby such as say college, running, career training, etcetera to be all the more attractive as a person. However, once involved in a relationship it's surprising how many men suddenly find their girlfriend's/wife's outside hobbies and interests as some kind of a threat. Especially if it means she will be more visible to the public in some way or raises her social or economic level above his.
Rather than stand beside her and cheer her on, I've met too many women who said that as soon as they were in a relationship their boyfriend wasn't very supportive of them finishing college, pursuing co-ed sporting events or hobbies that their men just didn't find interesting for themselves. To the defense of other men, I must add, other women told me how great it was that their boyfriend/husband gave them not only the freedom but the encouragement to enjoy and excel in their outside interests.
I've wondered why it is I rarely hear a woman saying, "I wish my boyfriend didn't play softball on Wednesdays." or "I don't like the idea of him wanting to finish his degree." I don't wonder why men would say things like, "I don't trust those guys in your bicycle club." or, "Are you sure you want to spend money on a nursing program?" The reason I don't have to wonder is because, in my opinion, men find it very easy to think of a relationship in a possessive tense. Not all men of course, because some men are simply more secure than others. The men I've known who really did trust their women to pursue academics, sports or public service have been men who knew without a shadow of a doubt that they had the love of their lady securely settled. They were not only willing to trust her while he wasn't around, they took joy in her accomplishments even if it raised her income or 'image' a notch or two above his own.
Getting back to the "single and looking" state of things, as I mentioned earlier we tend to find people who are 'about something' to be more attractive. It's almost a sign we look for that this person has a healthy outlook towards the future and is not just sitting about waiting for a relationship to fall in their lap. Conversely when we happen upon someone who, even after further investigation, doesn't seem to have direction or purpose we tend to find them less attractive. Sometimes we think we can ignite some 'spark' into them to pursue something, but unless they have that desire themselves it usually turns into one person nagging the other along to keep them active in outside pursuits.
There is an old Roman proverb, "Nothing worthwhile comes without great effort." Perhaps you are the type of person who enjoys lightly exploring many different fields and subjects. That's a good thing. But eventually I believe it's a good and healthy thing to sit down and decide, "Exactly what are my passions in life?" Is it to sing or perform in some way? To study or build a business or career? Is it to be an excellent Father or Mother? Do I enjoy helping out others or being active in sports or the arts?
Once we have one or two of these questions answered I believe it's one of the best favors we can do for both ourselves and our prospective mate to begin focusing our talents and abilities in setting goals to excel in the areas that interest us most. Who knows? It may just very well be the turning point in what you decide to do as a career or lifestyle. But one thing is certain, as was put so well in a recent film, "All men die, but not all men truly live." We have only so many days to walk about the dust of the earth, it would be a great loss to have squandered them aimlessly.
Read more!
I've noticed an interesting paradox. Some people don't really have much of an interest in hobbies or goals, they just seem to have lots of free time and aren't much concerned to do anything with it. To these people someone will eventually come along to tell them, "Get a life!" And then there's another group of people, who have perhaps one or two hobbies/goals they devote almost all their time and energy into. To these people someone will eventually tells them the same thing, "Get a life!"
Well, I just figure the first group is probably still in the "I'm gonna survey the scene and make my plan later" mode. I guess as long as that doesn't end up being the lifelong plan, I suppose choosing your path with some forethought is to be commended. As to the second group, I figure it's only because they spend their time doing something that doesn't interest everyone that they'll get the "Get a life" comment. If someone wants to devote their time to saving the rainforest, well... let 'em. It doesn't mean I have to or that it's my job to talk them out of it. If I want to devote my time to building a business and writing screenplays, then "so let it be written... so shall it be done."
Which brings me to the topic at hand... having a life. One of the common frustrations I've heard during many talks with women has been the complaint that the guy they love would be so much more 'attractive' if they had a goal or solid interest of their own that they pursued. At first they were attracted to their personality (or a cute butt) thinking that surely someone with all that personality had big plans for themselves. But by the time the emotional investment had been made, they realized the only consistent goal their man had in life was to finish all the beer they got on Friday before the weekend was over. Or some didn't even have aspirations that high going for them. They said they believed their man was capable of so much, if only he'd apply himself.
Now, the funny thing is that not all these women wanted their man to go out and make a successful career or have his own business venture. Several said they just wished he had his own hobby or interest other than being in a relationship. One woman complained that her, now ex-husband, would only show up to play on his softball league if she went to the practices and games with him. It really infuriated her that he didn't have the hobby as an interest of his own apart from her. And justifiably so.
As great as it can be to be near each other while in love, it's nice to know you each have your own pursuits and interests enjoyed independently of whether your mate participates in them or not. It could be a bowling league, helping out with a certain charity, a quilting club, whatever. But we like to know that our mate not only has talents and abilities, but that they like to apply them in some manner that allows them to see growth and skill improve over time.
Now here is a 'generalization' that, of course does not apply to all men or all women, but is none the less an observation I've seen enough to make note of it. Most women involved in a relationship tend to encourage and very much want their mate to be active in some pursuit, goal or hobby independent of her. Most men, -not- involved in a relationship tend to find women who are into a pursuit or hobby such as say college, running, career training, etcetera to be all the more attractive as a person. However, once involved in a relationship it's surprising how many men suddenly find their girlfriend's/wife's outside hobbies and interests as some kind of a threat. Especially if it means she will be more visible to the public in some way or raises her social or economic level above his.
Rather than stand beside her and cheer her on, I've met too many women who said that as soon as they were in a relationship their boyfriend wasn't very supportive of them finishing college, pursuing co-ed sporting events or hobbies that their men just didn't find interesting for themselves. To the defense of other men, I must add, other women told me how great it was that their boyfriend/husband gave them not only the freedom but the encouragement to enjoy and excel in their outside interests.
I've wondered why it is I rarely hear a woman saying, "I wish my boyfriend didn't play softball on Wednesdays." or "I don't like the idea of him wanting to finish his degree." I don't wonder why men would say things like, "I don't trust those guys in your bicycle club." or, "Are you sure you want to spend money on a nursing program?" The reason I don't have to wonder is because, in my opinion, men find it very easy to think of a relationship in a possessive tense. Not all men of course, because some men are simply more secure than others. The men I've known who really did trust their women to pursue academics, sports or public service have been men who knew without a shadow of a doubt that they had the love of their lady securely settled. They were not only willing to trust her while he wasn't around, they took joy in her accomplishments even if it raised her income or 'image' a notch or two above his own.
Getting back to the "single and looking" state of things, as I mentioned earlier we tend to find people who are 'about something' to be more attractive. It's almost a sign we look for that this person has a healthy outlook towards the future and is not just sitting about waiting for a relationship to fall in their lap. Conversely when we happen upon someone who, even after further investigation, doesn't seem to have direction or purpose we tend to find them less attractive. Sometimes we think we can ignite some 'spark' into them to pursue something, but unless they have that desire themselves it usually turns into one person nagging the other along to keep them active in outside pursuits.
There is an old Roman proverb, "Nothing worthwhile comes without great effort." Perhaps you are the type of person who enjoys lightly exploring many different fields and subjects. That's a good thing. But eventually I believe it's a good and healthy thing to sit down and decide, "Exactly what are my passions in life?" Is it to sing or perform in some way? To study or build a business or career? Is it to be an excellent Father or Mother? Do I enjoy helping out others or being active in sports or the arts?
Once we have one or two of these questions answered I believe it's one of the best favors we can do for both ourselves and our prospective mate to begin focusing our talents and abilities in setting goals to excel in the areas that interest us most. Who knows? It may just very well be the turning point in what you decide to do as a career or lifestyle. But one thing is certain, as was put so well in a recent film, "All men die, but not all men truly live." We have only so many days to walk about the dust of the earth, it would be a great loss to have squandered them aimlessly.
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How to Overcome the Fear of Rejection: The Successful Rejection Experience
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by Jonathan Robinson, MA, MFT
When I was seventeen, I was very shy - especially with attractive women my own age. By the time I was a freshman in college, I had only been on two dates. Driven by teen-age hormones, I really wanted to meet and go out with some women, but I was terrified of being rejected. My fear was like a prison, keeping me locked away in self-imposed loneliness. One day, I vowed I would overcome my fear. I decided that the only way I was going to become free of my fear was to plow my way through it. I enlisted the help of a good friend to make sure I had the motivation to face my fright head on. I gave my friend $50 and told him, "Don't give me this money back unless I get rejected by ten different women by the end of today." I figured that by experiencing ten rejections, I would know what it felt like and my fear would lessen. The money I gave to my friend would help me stay motivated to complete my mission.
I strolled down to the University Center to seek out attractive women. As I approached the first woman, sweat was literally dripping from my forehead. My knees began shaking, and as I said "hello," my voice cracked. When the teen-age girl turned and saw me shaking and sweating, she worriedly asked, "Are you all right? Do you need me to call an ambulance?" She thought I was having an epileptic seizure. I assured her she didn't need to call an ambulance, and that I'd soon be okay. A brief, awkward conversation ensued before I finally mumbled, "Would you like to go out together sometime?" In a kind voice she responded that she had a boyfriend, but that she was flattered that I had asked. As we parted ways, I took out an index card from my pocket and marked down one rejection. Then, as I thought, "Only nine more to go," I began to breathe again.
Fortunately, each rejection got easier. In fact, I soon noticed that the women I spoke to seemed more nervous than I. My rejections were proceeding rapidly and smoothly until the seventh woman I approached. When I asked her for a date, she said, "Sure." I hadn't thought of the possibility of someone saying "Yes," so I said, "Sure what?" She finally convinced me she really wanted to go out with me. I wrote down her number, and in a state of happy amazement, soon asked another woman for a date. To my surprise, she also said "Yes." By this time, I was feeling totally at ease while I asked women out, and they frequently responded by giving me their phone number. In fact, after a while I had so many dates that I had to begin acting like a jerk in order to fill my quota of ten rejections (and get my $50 bucks back). After I had received eight phone numbers from various women, I managed to get my tenth rejection. In one magical hour I set up my love life for my freshman year and put a big dent in my fear of rejection.
From this experience I surmised that the key to overcoming one's fear of rejection is to set it up so that getting rejected is seen as a success. My actual goal was to get ten rejections, and only by doing so would I be rewarded by getting my money back. As I faced my fear, I saw that it wasn't so bad. I could survive. Since I was fully prepared for what would happen, it didn't seem like a big deal anymore. I noticed that with each and every rejection, it got easier. In addition, as my fear went away and I became more relaxed, I was often rewarded with an unexpected "yes."
Perhaps there is some area in your life in which the fear of rejection has kept you from moving forward. Maybe you've made success too important. Instead, try rewarding yourself for just making an effort and getting a "no." For example, you might decide to get three "no" responses to your sales calls each day, or one "no" per week from potential dates. My guess is that you'll survive. In fact, you'll probably get some unexpected "yes" responses along the way.
If doing an exercise like this strikes you as too difficult or scary, then you're probably a good candidate for it. To make it a bit easier for you, you can begin by asking someone to lunch who would not normally be your first choice for a date. After all, if they say "no," it won't matter to you so much. Once you've built up your "ability" to be okay in the face of rejection, you'll be better prepared to approach people who you really want to spend time with. Ultimately, the ability to face rejection is one of the most important skills a person can learn in order to create both personal and business success.
Jonathan Robinson is a professional speaker and the best-selling author of Shortcuts to Bliss, Communication Miracles for Couples, and Shortcuts to Success: the best ways to master your money, time, health and relationships. He offers free articles about success in relationships on his web site:
http://www.howtotools.com
His email address is Iamjonr@aol.com
Read more!
When I was seventeen, I was very shy - especially with attractive women my own age. By the time I was a freshman in college, I had only been on two dates. Driven by teen-age hormones, I really wanted to meet and go out with some women, but I was terrified of being rejected. My fear was like a prison, keeping me locked away in self-imposed loneliness. One day, I vowed I would overcome my fear. I decided that the only way I was going to become free of my fear was to plow my way through it. I enlisted the help of a good friend to make sure I had the motivation to face my fright head on. I gave my friend $50 and told him, "Don't give me this money back unless I get rejected by ten different women by the end of today." I figured that by experiencing ten rejections, I would know what it felt like and my fear would lessen. The money I gave to my friend would help me stay motivated to complete my mission.
I strolled down to the University Center to seek out attractive women. As I approached the first woman, sweat was literally dripping from my forehead. My knees began shaking, and as I said "hello," my voice cracked. When the teen-age girl turned and saw me shaking and sweating, she worriedly asked, "Are you all right? Do you need me to call an ambulance?" She thought I was having an epileptic seizure. I assured her she didn't need to call an ambulance, and that I'd soon be okay. A brief, awkward conversation ensued before I finally mumbled, "Would you like to go out together sometime?" In a kind voice she responded that she had a boyfriend, but that she was flattered that I had asked. As we parted ways, I took out an index card from my pocket and marked down one rejection. Then, as I thought, "Only nine more to go," I began to breathe again.
Fortunately, each rejection got easier. In fact, I soon noticed that the women I spoke to seemed more nervous than I. My rejections were proceeding rapidly and smoothly until the seventh woman I approached. When I asked her for a date, she said, "Sure." I hadn't thought of the possibility of someone saying "Yes," so I said, "Sure what?" She finally convinced me she really wanted to go out with me. I wrote down her number, and in a state of happy amazement, soon asked another woman for a date. To my surprise, she also said "Yes." By this time, I was feeling totally at ease while I asked women out, and they frequently responded by giving me their phone number. In fact, after a while I had so many dates that I had to begin acting like a jerk in order to fill my quota of ten rejections (and get my $50 bucks back). After I had received eight phone numbers from various women, I managed to get my tenth rejection. In one magical hour I set up my love life for my freshman year and put a big dent in my fear of rejection.
From this experience I surmised that the key to overcoming one's fear of rejection is to set it up so that getting rejected is seen as a success. My actual goal was to get ten rejections, and only by doing so would I be rewarded by getting my money back. As I faced my fear, I saw that it wasn't so bad. I could survive. Since I was fully prepared for what would happen, it didn't seem like a big deal anymore. I noticed that with each and every rejection, it got easier. In addition, as my fear went away and I became more relaxed, I was often rewarded with an unexpected "yes."
Perhaps there is some area in your life in which the fear of rejection has kept you from moving forward. Maybe you've made success too important. Instead, try rewarding yourself for just making an effort and getting a "no." For example, you might decide to get three "no" responses to your sales calls each day, or one "no" per week from potential dates. My guess is that you'll survive. In fact, you'll probably get some unexpected "yes" responses along the way.
If doing an exercise like this strikes you as too difficult or scary, then you're probably a good candidate for it. To make it a bit easier for you, you can begin by asking someone to lunch who would not normally be your first choice for a date. After all, if they say "no," it won't matter to you so much. Once you've built up your "ability" to be okay in the face of rejection, you'll be better prepared to approach people who you really want to spend time with. Ultimately, the ability to face rejection is one of the most important skills a person can learn in order to create both personal and business success.
Jonathan Robinson is a professional speaker and the best-selling author of Shortcuts to Bliss, Communication Miracles for Couples, and Shortcuts to Success: the best ways to master your money, time, health and relationships. He offers free articles about success in relationships on his web site:
http://www.howtotools.com
His email address is Iamjonr@aol.com
Read more!
A Little Patience
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by Allen Thompson
Rick is quite taken with this cute little brunette at the office. Having been two weeks since she started, it's beginning to dawn on Rick that if he wants her, he's going to have to make a move, and soon... as other guys have also begun to take notice.
He takes a deep breath. Puts on his best smile. And coolly strides across the way to her cubicle. "Hi," he begins, "I'm Rick" and proceeds to be as friendly, charming, and flirtatious as he possibly can. He wants her to know that he's interested... that he's not just another co-worker killing time... so he holds nothing back.
Smiling, complimenting, flirting, gazing seductively into her eyes... he throws everything he's got at her. He's determined not to blow it this time... not to sit idly by while yet another 'woman of his dreams' gets seduced by some schmuck unworthy of her magnificence. He's been observing, sitting on the sidelines too long. Heck, he hasn't even had a date in three months.
Unfortunately, Rick begins to notice that Cindy, the new girl, doesn't really appear to be all that taken with his charms. She's not really responding to his flirtatious signals and seductive glances. She's friendly enough. True. But Rick was hoping for some passion in her eyes. A "love at first site" kind of thing. But it looks as though she's just humoring him and being polite. Treating him just like another co-worker. Arggh!
Rick heads back to his cubicle and begins to assess the situation.
"Hmmm. She's definitely friendly... and even cuter up close. But it seemed as though she was just being polite to me. Definitely wasn't much of a spark there. Anyhow it's obvious she's not really attracted to me. Geez, how stupid was it to think she might be interested in me. She probably only goes for the handsome athletic type. And face it, Rick, you're neither handsome nor athletic. A girl that cute could have any guy she wants. I must be an idiot.
"Made a fool out of myself is what I did. Now she probably thinks I'm interested in her. So she'll be trying to dodge me so I can't corner her and ask her out. Women hate making up those excuses to keep from going out with guys like me.
"God how embarrassing. Everybody sitting in that area heard me make a fool of myself. They all know I'm interested in her. Probably all laughing at me... or feel sorry for me. How could I be so stupid?"
Meanwhile, Cindy, still in her cubicle, also begins to give some thought to the situation.
"God, Rick sure is friendly. And he's kinda cute too. And that story he told about Fletcher was so funny. I love guys who can make me laugh. Hmmm. This might just turn out to be pretty cool place to work. In this boring office there appears to be at least one interesting guy after all.
"I wonder if he likes me. He must like me. I can't imagine a guy being that friendly with a girl he's not interested in. Seemed a little flirtatious too... though I'm not sure. I hope so. Wonder if he'll ask me out. That would definitely be a welcome change. Wouldn't mind spending a few hours with him. Heck, I haven't even been on a date in three months."
Meanwhile, Rick continues to beat himself up over making such a fool of himself... all afternoon and all evening. Rick concludes that there's only one way he can escape from this situation with some semblance of his dignity left. He's got to pretend like he doesn't really like Cindy. That he was just being friendly and welcoming the new girl. Blow her off a little and show everyone that he's not really interested. Basically, a kind of "do it to her before she does it to him."
"Yeah. That's it! I'll try to avoid her, then the next time I do have to see her I'll act not quite so friendly, maybe a little less than friendly, so she doesn't get all anxious and think I'm going to hit on her or something. I definitely won't make the mistake of flirting with her again. And if anyone else happens to be around, it'll be a great opportunity for me to show I'm NOT interested in her. Set the record straight so to speak so people will quit talking about me behind my back."
Cindy has also given Rick some more thought that evening. She's thought about it and concluded that Rick is definitely a charmer. He must like her. He was definitely flirtatious. Cindy starts to get excited. She begins to look forward to the next time she sees him. Maybe she'll actually get to go out this weekend.
Well... you can imagine what happened the next time Rick and Cindy bumped into one another. Cindy was delighted to see Rick. She was smiling, happy, and friendly. On the other hand, Rick was sorta cold, unfriendly, and blew her off a little. Rick left feeling slightly better about himself having salvaged a little of his bruised ego. Cindy left baffled. Both left dateless and depressed.
You may be thinking that Rick is an idiot. He had the girl exactly where he wanted her, and threw it all away. Unfortunately Rick, and the above type of unfortunate scenario, is probably more the norm than the exception... repeated countless times each day in offices, classrooms, bars, and every place else imaginable.
Rick's failure in the above situation, and his dismal social life, basically stem from not understanding the principles of flirtatious or overly friendly behavior (OFB from now on) and the resulting lack of confidence that stems from this lack of knowledge.
Basically, most people are somewhat reserved and cautious in their social interactions and need TIME to cognitively process, that is give serious thought to, the behaviors of others... especially when the other person exhibits some type of OFB.
When someone acts in a very friendly or flirtatious manner with you do you usually respond in a very friendly and flirtatious way? Well, if you're like most people the answer is yes... but not always right away or in exactly the same way.
Most of us need time to cognitively process OFB. Extremely friendly or flirtatious behavior is unusual, not something we experience everyday, and can be somewhat shocking to us.
We need time to decide just what it is this overly friendly person is up to. Do they really like us that much? And if so, why? Or is it maybe something else? Maybe they're trying to take advantage of us or have some ulterior motive. Maybe they're just in a good mood today. Maybe they treat everyone in that same friendly manner so that we're really no one special to them. Or a myriad of other possible explanations.
Cindy recognized Rick's OFB but was not quite sure how to react to it. She was somewhat stunned and reacted in a normal, cautious manner. However, after having some time to process the interaction in her mind, she came to the conclusion that Rick was a pretty cool guy. And a pretty cool guy who seemed to be attracted to her.
Cindy reacted in exactly the way Rick was hoping she would... only not right away. Her immediate reactions were cautious and somewhat ordinary, which is what led Rick to believe she wasn't really interested. Only later, after considerable cognitive processing, did the desired response occur.
Rick errs by expecting her to respond in a vivid, positive fashion to his flirtatious behavior - immediately. Rick doesn't understand a particular social-psychological principle which basically goes: when someone that we don't really know all that well exhibits OFB towards us, we find it somewhat shocking. However, once we have had a chance to think about and process their behavior, it is HIGHLY LIKELY that we will develop good feelings about this person and look forward to seeing him/her in the future.
The mistake is simply failing to understand the need for this DELAY in the reciprocation of OFB. If you understand social interactions, and you understand male-female behavior, you can begin to use this WINDOW OF TIME to work Don Juan MAGIC. If you don't? Well, you may have a problem.
For example, Rick's major problem is the way his lack of knowledge concerning women and social interactions manifests itself as a lack of confidence... which works to undermine all of his behavior. As with any of the Don Juan techniques, our assumption is that knowledge breeds confidence. If you understand male-female relationships, and you understand WHY women behave as they do, you will NATURALLY exude an extra-ordinary level of confidence in dealing with them. And confidence can be a very powerful aphrodisiac.
Thus, the confident guy (knowledgeable guy) may flirt with a girl time and time again, regardless of whether or not he receives the hoped for response. He feels confident that eventually she will come around and begin to respond positively toward him. His knowledge of the rules governing male-female interactions produces the confidence that leads to an active social life.
The un-confident guy, your average guy like Rick, will flirt maybe once, then spend a great deal of time assessing the girl's response. Usually he'll wind up concluding that her response was inadequate. That she's not interested in him, and that he made a fool of himself. He then goes into a type of "ego-protection mode" in order to salvage some of his self-respect... killing any chances he might have had with her.
Keep in mind that in order to "move someone" from an acquaintance or co-worker toward being a friend or lover, someone has to exhibit some kind of OFB. Someone has to make the first move so to speak and get the ball rolling. Ideally, this is you.
Why you? Well, by subscribing to this newsletter you have essentially decided that you are going to take charge of your relationships and make things go the way you want them to... rather than just rolling with whatever fate happens to toss your way. (You should be commended for this.)
So, imagine that there's a beautiful lady you'd like to get to know better. Maybe it's the ravishing bartender at your favorite pub. Maybe it's the cute blond in your Sociology class. Maybe it's the sexy receptionist at the office. Maybe it's all three... hubba hubba.
Knowing what you now know, you should be EXTREMELY CONFIDENT in your approach. You introduce yourself. Exhibit an appropriate level of OFB. Then (this is the good part) SMILE KNOWINGLY when she responds in a less than enthusiastic fashion.
Her muted response doesn't bother you at all because you are aware of exactly what's going on in her mind... and exactly what WILL BE going on in her mind. You are also aware that the next time you see her, it's highly likely that she will respond to you with an appropriate level of OFB. This "window of time" in which she is cognitively processing your behavior is of great value to you.
Many guys will err at this point by going for a phone number or some type of date. This is "often" a mistake because you have now, all of a sudden, turned your OFB into a come-on. Your intentions (romance, passion, sex) have now become clear to her and she'll respond in a very cautious, suspicious manner. And all of your OFB up until this point will now be re-classified as seduction behavior. And all your future behavior will also be processed through this type of "seduction" filter.
By not going for the phone number or date (during the first conversation or two) you're confusing her, throwing her off guard, and invoking her imagination. She'll be "forced" to think about you and process your behavior in order to decide what exactly it is you're up to. And this will work to your advantage.
Keep in mind that she can sell herself on you much better than you possibly can. By exhibiting OFB toward her, then letting her imagination take over, you are placing yourself in the best possible position. She will imagine you are wonderful, because she's hoping that you are. She may even begin imagining that you are "the one" because she's now hoping so.
So you give it some time. Walk away. Let her imagination take over. Then try not to be too shocked or too ecstatic when she exhibits the expected level of reciprocal OFB toward you the next time you bump into her.
Of course, controlling yourself and playing it cool when women are throwing themselves at you may be a bit more than you can handle. But, hey, nobody ever said being a Don Juan was easy.
Read more!
Rick is quite taken with this cute little brunette at the office. Having been two weeks since she started, it's beginning to dawn on Rick that if he wants her, he's going to have to make a move, and soon... as other guys have also begun to take notice.
He takes a deep breath. Puts on his best smile. And coolly strides across the way to her cubicle. "Hi," he begins, "I'm Rick" and proceeds to be as friendly, charming, and flirtatious as he possibly can. He wants her to know that he's interested... that he's not just another co-worker killing time... so he holds nothing back.
Smiling, complimenting, flirting, gazing seductively into her eyes... he throws everything he's got at her. He's determined not to blow it this time... not to sit idly by while yet another 'woman of his dreams' gets seduced by some schmuck unworthy of her magnificence. He's been observing, sitting on the sidelines too long. Heck, he hasn't even had a date in three months.
Unfortunately, Rick begins to notice that Cindy, the new girl, doesn't really appear to be all that taken with his charms. She's not really responding to his flirtatious signals and seductive glances. She's friendly enough. True. But Rick was hoping for some passion in her eyes. A "love at first site" kind of thing. But it looks as though she's just humoring him and being polite. Treating him just like another co-worker. Arggh!
Rick heads back to his cubicle and begins to assess the situation.
"Hmmm. She's definitely friendly... and even cuter up close. But it seemed as though she was just being polite to me. Definitely wasn't much of a spark there. Anyhow it's obvious she's not really attracted to me. Geez, how stupid was it to think she might be interested in me. She probably only goes for the handsome athletic type. And face it, Rick, you're neither handsome nor athletic. A girl that cute could have any guy she wants. I must be an idiot.
"Made a fool out of myself is what I did. Now she probably thinks I'm interested in her. So she'll be trying to dodge me so I can't corner her and ask her out. Women hate making up those excuses to keep from going out with guys like me.
"God how embarrassing. Everybody sitting in that area heard me make a fool of myself. They all know I'm interested in her. Probably all laughing at me... or feel sorry for me. How could I be so stupid?"
Meanwhile, Cindy, still in her cubicle, also begins to give some thought to the situation.
"God, Rick sure is friendly. And he's kinda cute too. And that story he told about Fletcher was so funny. I love guys who can make me laugh. Hmmm. This might just turn out to be pretty cool place to work. In this boring office there appears to be at least one interesting guy after all.
"I wonder if he likes me. He must like me. I can't imagine a guy being that friendly with a girl he's not interested in. Seemed a little flirtatious too... though I'm not sure. I hope so. Wonder if he'll ask me out. That would definitely be a welcome change. Wouldn't mind spending a few hours with him. Heck, I haven't even been on a date in three months."
Meanwhile, Rick continues to beat himself up over making such a fool of himself... all afternoon and all evening. Rick concludes that there's only one way he can escape from this situation with some semblance of his dignity left. He's got to pretend like he doesn't really like Cindy. That he was just being friendly and welcoming the new girl. Blow her off a little and show everyone that he's not really interested. Basically, a kind of "do it to her before she does it to him."
"Yeah. That's it! I'll try to avoid her, then the next time I do have to see her I'll act not quite so friendly, maybe a little less than friendly, so she doesn't get all anxious and think I'm going to hit on her or something. I definitely won't make the mistake of flirting with her again. And if anyone else happens to be around, it'll be a great opportunity for me to show I'm NOT interested in her. Set the record straight so to speak so people will quit talking about me behind my back."
Cindy has also given Rick some more thought that evening. She's thought about it and concluded that Rick is definitely a charmer. He must like her. He was definitely flirtatious. Cindy starts to get excited. She begins to look forward to the next time she sees him. Maybe she'll actually get to go out this weekend.
Well... you can imagine what happened the next time Rick and Cindy bumped into one another. Cindy was delighted to see Rick. She was smiling, happy, and friendly. On the other hand, Rick was sorta cold, unfriendly, and blew her off a little. Rick left feeling slightly better about himself having salvaged a little of his bruised ego. Cindy left baffled. Both left dateless and depressed.
You may be thinking that Rick is an idiot. He had the girl exactly where he wanted her, and threw it all away. Unfortunately Rick, and the above type of unfortunate scenario, is probably more the norm than the exception... repeated countless times each day in offices, classrooms, bars, and every place else imaginable.
Rick's failure in the above situation, and his dismal social life, basically stem from not understanding the principles of flirtatious or overly friendly behavior (OFB from now on) and the resulting lack of confidence that stems from this lack of knowledge.
Basically, most people are somewhat reserved and cautious in their social interactions and need TIME to cognitively process, that is give serious thought to, the behaviors of others... especially when the other person exhibits some type of OFB.
When someone acts in a very friendly or flirtatious manner with you do you usually respond in a very friendly and flirtatious way? Well, if you're like most people the answer is yes... but not always right away or in exactly the same way.
Most of us need time to cognitively process OFB. Extremely friendly or flirtatious behavior is unusual, not something we experience everyday, and can be somewhat shocking to us.
We need time to decide just what it is this overly friendly person is up to. Do they really like us that much? And if so, why? Or is it maybe something else? Maybe they're trying to take advantage of us or have some ulterior motive. Maybe they're just in a good mood today. Maybe they treat everyone in that same friendly manner so that we're really no one special to them. Or a myriad of other possible explanations.
Cindy recognized Rick's OFB but was not quite sure how to react to it. She was somewhat stunned and reacted in a normal, cautious manner. However, after having some time to process the interaction in her mind, she came to the conclusion that Rick was a pretty cool guy. And a pretty cool guy who seemed to be attracted to her.
Cindy reacted in exactly the way Rick was hoping she would... only not right away. Her immediate reactions were cautious and somewhat ordinary, which is what led Rick to believe she wasn't really interested. Only later, after considerable cognitive processing, did the desired response occur.
Rick errs by expecting her to respond in a vivid, positive fashion to his flirtatious behavior - immediately. Rick doesn't understand a particular social-psychological principle which basically goes: when someone that we don't really know all that well exhibits OFB towards us, we find it somewhat shocking. However, once we have had a chance to think about and process their behavior, it is HIGHLY LIKELY that we will develop good feelings about this person and look forward to seeing him/her in the future.
The mistake is simply failing to understand the need for this DELAY in the reciprocation of OFB. If you understand social interactions, and you understand male-female behavior, you can begin to use this WINDOW OF TIME to work Don Juan MAGIC. If you don't? Well, you may have a problem.
For example, Rick's major problem is the way his lack of knowledge concerning women and social interactions manifests itself as a lack of confidence... which works to undermine all of his behavior. As with any of the Don Juan techniques, our assumption is that knowledge breeds confidence. If you understand male-female relationships, and you understand WHY women behave as they do, you will NATURALLY exude an extra-ordinary level of confidence in dealing with them. And confidence can be a very powerful aphrodisiac.
Thus, the confident guy (knowledgeable guy) may flirt with a girl time and time again, regardless of whether or not he receives the hoped for response. He feels confident that eventually she will come around and begin to respond positively toward him. His knowledge of the rules governing male-female interactions produces the confidence that leads to an active social life.
The un-confident guy, your average guy like Rick, will flirt maybe once, then spend a great deal of time assessing the girl's response. Usually he'll wind up concluding that her response was inadequate. That she's not interested in him, and that he made a fool of himself. He then goes into a type of "ego-protection mode" in order to salvage some of his self-respect... killing any chances he might have had with her.
Keep in mind that in order to "move someone" from an acquaintance or co-worker toward being a friend or lover, someone has to exhibit some kind of OFB. Someone has to make the first move so to speak and get the ball rolling. Ideally, this is you.
Why you? Well, by subscribing to this newsletter you have essentially decided that you are going to take charge of your relationships and make things go the way you want them to... rather than just rolling with whatever fate happens to toss your way. (You should be commended for this.)
So, imagine that there's a beautiful lady you'd like to get to know better. Maybe it's the ravishing bartender at your favorite pub. Maybe it's the cute blond in your Sociology class. Maybe it's the sexy receptionist at the office. Maybe it's all three... hubba hubba.
Knowing what you now know, you should be EXTREMELY CONFIDENT in your approach. You introduce yourself. Exhibit an appropriate level of OFB. Then (this is the good part) SMILE KNOWINGLY when she responds in a less than enthusiastic fashion.
Her muted response doesn't bother you at all because you are aware of exactly what's going on in her mind... and exactly what WILL BE going on in her mind. You are also aware that the next time you see her, it's highly likely that she will respond to you with an appropriate level of OFB. This "window of time" in which she is cognitively processing your behavior is of great value to you.
Many guys will err at this point by going for a phone number or some type of date. This is "often" a mistake because you have now, all of a sudden, turned your OFB into a come-on. Your intentions (romance, passion, sex) have now become clear to her and she'll respond in a very cautious, suspicious manner. And all of your OFB up until this point will now be re-classified as seduction behavior. And all your future behavior will also be processed through this type of "seduction" filter.
By not going for the phone number or date (during the first conversation or two) you're confusing her, throwing her off guard, and invoking her imagination. She'll be "forced" to think about you and process your behavior in order to decide what exactly it is you're up to. And this will work to your advantage.
Keep in mind that she can sell herself on you much better than you possibly can. By exhibiting OFB toward her, then letting her imagination take over, you are placing yourself in the best possible position. She will imagine you are wonderful, because she's hoping that you are. She may even begin imagining that you are "the one" because she's now hoping so.
So you give it some time. Walk away. Let her imagination take over. Then try not to be too shocked or too ecstatic when she exhibits the expected level of reciprocal OFB toward you the next time you bump into her.
Of course, controlling yourself and playing it cool when women are throwing themselves at you may be a bit more than you can handle. But, hey, nobody ever said being a Don Juan was easy.
Read more!
How to Get Women to Date You
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by Joseph Matthews
Hey Joseph,
I was reading The Art of Approaching, under the online openers. And the one where you send an email saying how you're good looking, funny, etc., then modest, I used that on a girl and she responded very well to it.
But since then it's been very ho-hum. I can't get to meeting her. All I got is her AIM screenname. But I don't know how to take it to the next step. I know that I have to meet her if I want anything to happen, but I don't know how it should be done. I need your help.
- Stephen
Hi Stephen,
First of all -- of COURSE that email got a great response! That's one of my patented internet dating techniques.
(You know I'd never share something with you that DOESN'T work!)
But you seem to be running into a common problem that most guys who are dating on the internet eventually run into...
THE TRANSITION!
You know, the part where you move from online to offline.
In a way, it's really no different from setting up a date after meeting a woman in the real world.
See, when it comes to first contact, be it email, telephone, or a cold approach, you should always be thinking of one thing...
The Date!
Get her to agree to meet with you. Period.
Until that happens, it isn't real. She's either not serious or not interested until she commits to a date.
When it comes to email, the trick is to get her on the phone as soon as possible. You could say something like:
Hey, great. You're a real person. Now that we've established that, let's talk. This email thing is for the birds. You can call me at XXX-XXX-XXXX. But try to call before 10, because that's when my mom makes me go to sleep. =)
If you're comfortable with it, you can give me your number and make me do all the dirty work.
Talk soon,
(your name here)
Once you get her on the phone and you're able to establish some rapport, then you can set up a date to meet.
Make it something low-pressure so she'll feel comfortable. Something like getting coffee or a drink. This will give you two a chance to get to know each other and see if it's worth going forward.
The same is true when meeting a girl in person.
Lots of guys like to try and go for the phone number right away.
But why?
I look at the phone number as a "last resort."
This is because you want to get her to go out with you AS FAST AS POSSIBLE.
If she's up for it, take her out right then and there. Ask her if she's got time for a quick cup of coffee.
If not, try and set up a date right there. Ask her if she's free the next night or that very weekend.
Once the date is set up, then exchange your numbers.
Or, if she's not immediately available, THEN ask her for her number and try calling to set up the date.
Remember: Move fast and with purpose.
Until she goes out with you, she's not really committed to having a romantic encounter.
The WORST thing you can do is hesitate and draw out asking her to meet you again.
Lots of girls will begin to wonder if you're really interested if you don't ask her out. So don't wait. Seize the opportunity when you have the chance.
If you're really serious about getting more dates than you can handle, you really need to learn my secrets.
Just take a few minutes to check out my book The Art Of Approaching. You can do so here:
Download Your Copy Today
You could be letting the woman of your dreams slip through your fingers if you don't act right this second.
Don't waste another minute. You don't know if you'll get that chance again.
Best,
Joseph Matthews
How to Be the Bad Boy that Women Love
How to Get Your Ex-Girlfriend to Come Back to You
Home What's New Discussion Forum Articles Quick Tips Hall of Fame Doc Love Ron and David Feedback Women Respond Romance Tips Nice Guys & Jerks Links of Interest Submit an Article Contact
Top 10 Reasons Why Very Intelligent Men Fail with Women
Add this site to your favorites
Free Report
Watch Videos and Interviews With Top Seduction Pros
What's New!
Centerfolds Only Need Apply
Why Happiness Is the Number One Factor In Attracting Women
Why Do Women Love James Bond?
Great Photos For the Bachelor Pad
The First 60 Seconds
What Emotion Did You Create?
Female Rejection: The Male Curse
Why Not "Just Be Yourself"
Alpha Male Secrets The Lazy Man's Way
to Easy Sex and Romance
Want More Great Tips?
Read more!
Hey Joseph,
I was reading The Art of Approaching, under the online openers. And the one where you send an email saying how you're good looking, funny, etc., then modest, I used that on a girl and she responded very well to it.
But since then it's been very ho-hum. I can't get to meeting her. All I got is her AIM screenname. But I don't know how to take it to the next step. I know that I have to meet her if I want anything to happen, but I don't know how it should be done. I need your help.
- Stephen
Hi Stephen,
First of all -- of COURSE that email got a great response! That's one of my patented internet dating techniques.
(You know I'd never share something with you that DOESN'T work!)
But you seem to be running into a common problem that most guys who are dating on the internet eventually run into...
THE TRANSITION!
You know, the part where you move from online to offline.
In a way, it's really no different from setting up a date after meeting a woman in the real world.
See, when it comes to first contact, be it email, telephone, or a cold approach, you should always be thinking of one thing...
The Date!
Get her to agree to meet with you. Period.
Until that happens, it isn't real. She's either not serious or not interested until she commits to a date.
When it comes to email, the trick is to get her on the phone as soon as possible. You could say something like:
Hey, great. You're a real person. Now that we've established that, let's talk. This email thing is for the birds. You can call me at XXX-XXX-XXXX. But try to call before 10, because that's when my mom makes me go to sleep. =)
If you're comfortable with it, you can give me your number and make me do all the dirty work.
Talk soon,
(your name here)
Once you get her on the phone and you're able to establish some rapport, then you can set up a date to meet.
Make it something low-pressure so she'll feel comfortable. Something like getting coffee or a drink. This will give you two a chance to get to know each other and see if it's worth going forward.
The same is true when meeting a girl in person.
Lots of guys like to try and go for the phone number right away.
But why?
I look at the phone number as a "last resort."
This is because you want to get her to go out with you AS FAST AS POSSIBLE.
If she's up for it, take her out right then and there. Ask her if she's got time for a quick cup of coffee.
If not, try and set up a date right there. Ask her if she's free the next night or that very weekend.
Once the date is set up, then exchange your numbers.
Or, if she's not immediately available, THEN ask her for her number and try calling to set up the date.
Remember: Move fast and with purpose.
Until she goes out with you, she's not really committed to having a romantic encounter.
The WORST thing you can do is hesitate and draw out asking her to meet you again.
Lots of girls will begin to wonder if you're really interested if you don't ask her out. So don't wait. Seize the opportunity when you have the chance.
If you're really serious about getting more dates than you can handle, you really need to learn my secrets.
Just take a few minutes to check out my book The Art Of Approaching. You can do so here:
Download Your Copy Today
You could be letting the woman of your dreams slip through your fingers if you don't act right this second.
Don't waste another minute. You don't know if you'll get that chance again.
Best,
Joseph Matthews
How to Be the Bad Boy that Women Love
How to Get Your Ex-Girlfriend to Come Back to You
Home What's New Discussion Forum Articles Quick Tips Hall of Fame Doc Love Ron and David Feedback Women Respond Romance Tips Nice Guys & Jerks Links of Interest Submit an Article Contact
Top 10 Reasons Why Very Intelligent Men Fail with Women
Add this site to your favorites
Free Report
Watch Videos and Interviews With Top Seduction Pros
What's New!
Centerfolds Only Need Apply
Why Happiness Is the Number One Factor In Attracting Women
Why Do Women Love James Bond?
Great Photos For the Bachelor Pad
The First 60 Seconds
What Emotion Did You Create?
Female Rejection: The Male Curse
Why Not "Just Be Yourself"
Alpha Male Secrets The Lazy Man's Way
to Easy Sex and Romance
Want More Great Tips?
Read more!
It's All About Charm
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by Luis Rodrigues
Let me introduce you to my good friend David Burton. The man who is able to capture the attention of every person in a crowded room by the simple tone of his voice, his stance, and smile. David is the type of person who'll find any job he wants, get any woman he desires, and attract every successful person around him by exerting confidence, positive energy, and a successful image.
David is not the best looking guy. In fact, he's the guy that everyone asks, "What does she see in him?" But once they get to know David, they are quickly seduced, and captivated by his charisma. My curiosity got the best of me, so I asked David, "How do you do it? How can you captivate so many people?" David smiled very smoothly at me and said, "It's all about charm."
It's All About Charm
The art of attracting people (especially beautiful women) consists of 10% projection of success, 10% appearance, 10% intelligence, and 70% charm. David's comment is simple but true. In a study conducted by the University of Waterloo, 85% of the correspondents (both men and women) expressed that charm was the principle reason for their attraction to the opposite individual.
Some people are born with the gift of being naturally charming. But most people lack the skill or just never learned the proper techniques through social communication. This does not mean a person cannot learn how to be charming. All one needs, is to understand what people find charming and practice it over and over again, until it becomes naturally part of their personality.
Charm Practice
Charm is simply the art of letting someone know that you feel good about them, without embarrassing them or asking anything of them in return. And this is really attractive. The following checklist should help you accomplish your goals:
1) Charm has an ally in eye contact. Never forget to look into someone's eyes when speaking to them.
2) Charming someone includes complimenting them. What you should compliment is relatively easy to figure out, just figure out what would it take to make you feel complimented, and do the same to others. The difference between charm and flattery is that flattery has an agenda. I'll flatter you so that you'll give me what I want. Charm is a way of being, rather than a tool to achieve something.
3) Charm has to be sincere. It is strongest when you believe what you're saying.
4) Charm is done pleasantly and lightly.
5) The secret to charm is to be selfless. You should not ask for anything, not even feedback.
6) Charm isn't sexual. It's just warmth.
7) Charm is exerting strong confidence.
8) Charm at its simplest just says, "You are terrific. Thank you for letting me bask in your glow."
For a person not to come off as rehearsed, one needs to practice. So where do you start? Any place. Practice on your mother, sister, dog, neighbor, dad, your boss, teacher, friends, the stranger on the street-corner. You will also be amazed at how charming people will be in return. Don't forget to smile. It makes you look alive.
In short, charm is like a butterfly's touch on a rose petal. The key is to not overdo it. Charm is fun and potentially a very profitable tool in interpersonal relationships. And it's crucial to dating. So practice and enjoy.
Read more!
Let me introduce you to my good friend David Burton. The man who is able to capture the attention of every person in a crowded room by the simple tone of his voice, his stance, and smile. David is the type of person who'll find any job he wants, get any woman he desires, and attract every successful person around him by exerting confidence, positive energy, and a successful image.
David is not the best looking guy. In fact, he's the guy that everyone asks, "What does she see in him?" But once they get to know David, they are quickly seduced, and captivated by his charisma. My curiosity got the best of me, so I asked David, "How do you do it? How can you captivate so many people?" David smiled very smoothly at me and said, "It's all about charm."
It's All About Charm
The art of attracting people (especially beautiful women) consists of 10% projection of success, 10% appearance, 10% intelligence, and 70% charm. David's comment is simple but true. In a study conducted by the University of Waterloo, 85% of the correspondents (both men and women) expressed that charm was the principle reason for their attraction to the opposite individual.
Some people are born with the gift of being naturally charming. But most people lack the skill or just never learned the proper techniques through social communication. This does not mean a person cannot learn how to be charming. All one needs, is to understand what people find charming and practice it over and over again, until it becomes naturally part of their personality.
Charm Practice
Charm is simply the art of letting someone know that you feel good about them, without embarrassing them or asking anything of them in return. And this is really attractive. The following checklist should help you accomplish your goals:
1) Charm has an ally in eye contact. Never forget to look into someone's eyes when speaking to them.
2) Charming someone includes complimenting them. What you should compliment is relatively easy to figure out, just figure out what would it take to make you feel complimented, and do the same to others. The difference between charm and flattery is that flattery has an agenda. I'll flatter you so that you'll give me what I want. Charm is a way of being, rather than a tool to achieve something.
3) Charm has to be sincere. It is strongest when you believe what you're saying.
4) Charm is done pleasantly and lightly.
5) The secret to charm is to be selfless. You should not ask for anything, not even feedback.
6) Charm isn't sexual. It's just warmth.
7) Charm is exerting strong confidence.
8) Charm at its simplest just says, "You are terrific. Thank you for letting me bask in your glow."
For a person not to come off as rehearsed, one needs to practice. So where do you start? Any place. Practice on your mother, sister, dog, neighbor, dad, your boss, teacher, friends, the stranger on the street-corner. You will also be amazed at how charming people will be in return. Don't forget to smile. It makes you look alive.
In short, charm is like a butterfly's touch on a rose petal. The key is to not overdo it. Charm is fun and potentially a very profitable tool in interpersonal relationships. And it's crucial to dating. So practice and enjoy.
Read more!
Your Bachelor Pad
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by Allen Thompson
Yes, the term "bachelor pad" may be a little dated, but the concept is still the same. You're a single guy. You live by yourself, or maybe you have roommates. No matter. The place where you stay is your bachelor pad and eventually, if you're lucky, a woman or two or twelve will be coming by to check it out.
The most important things to keep in mind when designing your bachelor pad are:
* YOU must be comfortable there.
* A WOMAN should not be uncomfortable there.
* It should reveal your PERSONALITY.
* It should be a FUNCTIONAL place to live.
* It should look like a MAN lives there.
Whether your pad passes the lady's "test" or not could be the difference between heart-pounding success and mind-numbing failure. Of course, certain things are obvious and go without saying - such as your place should be clean, neat, and smell-free (or preferably smell good). However, keep in mind that it should look "lived in" and not like you just spent six hours cleaning it before she came over. You want her to be "impressed" but also comfortable.
However, the main thing to remember is that when this beautiful lady enters your place, she's looking to make an assessment of your personality, to find out what kind of person you really are, and trying to decide whether or not the two of you might be compatible (either short-term or long-term depending on her goals).
The following list, while by no means complete, consists of some of the "essentials" of a dynamic bachelor pad. You may not want or need everything listed here, but try to incorporate as many of the following as possible into your current place... especially before bringing the girl of your dreams over. Some do require you to spend a few bucks. But you should find it to be a good investment... especially if you're following the other love tactics discussed on this site.
Entertainment - Your bachelor pad should be entertaining. By "entertaining" I mean that this is a place where you two will be spending some time (hopefully) so you need, at minimum, a decent TV, stereo, and VCR. You should also have some games available - maybe a deck of cards, a backgammon board, and some other board games you like to play. Conversation is great, but nobody wants to talk all the time. You should have interesting things to DO.
Couch - Large, soft, and comfortable. Your couch is the focal point of your living room. It's the place where you and she will get to know one another, where you two will drink wine and listen to music, where you two can kick back and watch TV, and most likely where you'll make your first "move." Be sure to keep it spotless... which can be tough if that's where you prefer to eat. And please, no love seats. If she has to choose between being cramped with you in a love seat or relaxing in a nice comfortable chair across the room, she just might choose the chair.
Coffee Table - Have an interesting book or two and some magazines lying across it - things that she can browse through while waiting. Books should have great titles or interesting pictures. The magazines you choose to display will help to reveal your personality and solidify the "impression" you're trying to make. So choose them wisely.
Live Plants - Note the key word: LIVE. Not plastic and not dying. Several scattered throughout your apartment. Most guys don't want to deal with the responsibility of plants... but they are essential for adding COLOR and ATMOSPHERE to your place while setting yourself apart from those irresponsible types. Boys don't own plants. Men do. And if you don't have a green thumb don't worry. Simply go to the nursery and ask the guy working there for something that's "hard to kill."
Framed Photos - Maybe in a bookcase or on a table. She will gravitate toward these... looking for clues as to what you value, who you are, and where you've been. Pictures of family members, friends, trips you've taken, and pets are good. Old girlfriends and Ms. July are not.
Framed Art - On the wall in the living room, bedroom, and maybe even the dining room and bathroom depending on how big your place is. Cheap posters are not allowed. Ideally this art will have a SUBTLE sexual aspect to it... to create the right mood. This is your "bachelor" pad after all. Pick out something that you not only like but that also says "a suave, worldly gentleman lives here."
Music - Music should be easily available in most every part of the house or apartment. If you have an impressive CD collection, this should be displayed prominently in a nice CD rack. She'll enjoy browsing through these. Having a VARIETY of music is a plus as it indicates you are both worldly and complex. And make sure you have some smooth jazz for those romantic, candlelit dinners. You might also want to compile a special cassette of soft romantic dinner music.
Atmosphere Lighting - Your living room light (and ideally dining room and bedroom too) should dim to help create a soft and sexy atmosphere. And when you turn the light on, make sure not to turn it on "full blast." Nothing kills a romantic mood like bright light shining in your eyes.
Bathroom - If she's in your apartment for more than ten minutes, she WILL go to your bathroom... and check it out. (If she doesn't go to your bathroom, then you just might have yourself one of them there transvestites on your hands. Proceed with caution.) Needless to say, the bathtub, shower, toilet, and sink should be spotless. You might also add one of those cleaning balls to your toilet to make the water colorful. That's always a nice touch. You may also want to add some type of scent to your bathroom by placing a couple of "stick up" type things in out of sight locations.
Big Fluffy Towels - She'll be repulsed by those small, thin towels with all the carefully crafted holes that you've been using for the last 14 years. BIG and FLUFFY will get her purring as she starts imagining herself draped in them... after a hot relaxing shower... with you. And dark blues or dark greens tend to convey more of a "manly" impression.
Extra Toilet Paper - In plain view... so she doesn't have to go rummaging through your cabinets. But it shouldn't just be sitting there. The extra roll should be set up as almost a decoration in the bathroom... maybe in a little basket with some other interesting things.
Around The Sink - Most guys keep every type of personal item that they've used since the last time they moved piled messily around the bathroom sink. Needless to say this is not good. Most of your stuff should be kept in the bathroom cabinets out of sight. You'll want to place only a few select things around your sink. And you choose these carefully in order to convey the proper impression. A couple different types of cologne (expensive not cheap), aftershave lotion, liquid hand soap, box of tissues, a nice toothbrush holder (with a new-looking toothbrush), expensive hair gel, and a couple other things of your choosing should do the trick.
Shower Curtain - A shower curtain can make or break a bathroom as most bathrooms are pretty small. Spending a few bucks here would be a great investment.
Tissues - Boxes of these in the living room, bathroom, bedroom, and everywhere else. Women love tissues. And if she decides she wants one, and happens to find a box nearby, she'll be mighty impressed.
Extra New Toothbrush - In case things go well and she decides to spend the night. A nice extra touch that is sure to impress her the next morning. However, you might want to fall a little short of hinting that she use it.
Prestigious Shampoo and Conditioner - Even though you prefer rubbing your head with a bar of Dial, don't let her know that. Make her think you actually care about yourself and treat yourself well. Have a nice bottle of shampoo and conditioner prominently displayed in the shower. (Paul Mitchell is great.) As with all personal products, the idea is to create the impression that you actually care about and respect yourself. Cheap personal products, even if you prefer them and think they're better, will create the exact opposite impression.
A Man's Bed - Queen is probably the best size. Big enough for two, but not so big that it looks odd in a single guy's place. And make sure that you have the bed on a nice frame. An old mattress in the corner may have been fine when you were a college freshman, but you're a MAN now. And real men sleep in real beds, preferably with real women beside them.
Big Fluffy Pillows - Again, women like big and fluffy. If you can't sleep with big and fluffy, have a different one that you use when sleeping alone.
Cool Sheets and Comforter - When she walks by your bedroom door, she's going to look in and check out the bed. Whether or not she can VISUALIZE herself sleeping there is of the utmost importance... unless, of course, you're satisfied with just being friends. Your sheets and comforter should be attractive, comfortable-looking, and INTERESTING. Plain, boring, and dull has no place in your bedroom. Do you really think she wants to sleep with a guy who's plain, boring, or dull? Again dark colors convey that "manly" impression that you want to make.
Condoms - Keep a variety of kinds in your nightstand or dresser near the bed. Always be prepared. You might actually one day somehow someway manage to get lucky. Yeeehaaa!
Wine - You should have at least one good bottle of wine available... to drink with dinner, after dinner, or just because. Good doesn't necessarily mean expensive. You can get a great bottle of wine for $10 or so (such as Napa Ridge Pinot Noir or Chardonnay). Wine glasses, though not required, would really frame you as a man of taste. Ask advice from the guy at the wine store if it's not your area of expertise. Or better yet, buy a book and become an expert.
Beer - If your potential squeeze likes beer. And not just any beer. You can drink that cheap crap when you're by yourself or watching the game with your buddies, but when she's over you need something different. It should taste great and ideally be something she's never had before... to set yourself apart from all the ordinary guys. (Rolling Rock is great and fairly inexpensive in the USA.)
Non-Alcoholic Beverages - A variety of beverages including orange juice, soda, milk, tea, and bottled water. Variety is the key so you're sure you've got something she might like.
Ice Cream - And not the Food Lion brand either. Dove Bars, Haagen Daaz, or some other delicious, expensive treat will really "warm" her up.
And last but certainly not least...
A Vacuum Cleaner - Buy one and learn to use it. Most guys NEVER vacuum. If your lady has a sensitive nose she'll be able to sense this as soon as she enters. This can be an especially bad problem when pets are involved.
So there you have it. The essentials of a swingin' bachelor pad. We could, of course, add a number of other things. But if you focus on those things listed above, not only will you pass her test, but she may not leave for days!
Read more!
Yes, the term "bachelor pad" may be a little dated, but the concept is still the same. You're a single guy. You live by yourself, or maybe you have roommates. No matter. The place where you stay is your bachelor pad and eventually, if you're lucky, a woman or two or twelve will be coming by to check it out.
The most important things to keep in mind when designing your bachelor pad are:
* YOU must be comfortable there.
* A WOMAN should not be uncomfortable there.
* It should reveal your PERSONALITY.
* It should be a FUNCTIONAL place to live.
* It should look like a MAN lives there.
Whether your pad passes the lady's "test" or not could be the difference between heart-pounding success and mind-numbing failure. Of course, certain things are obvious and go without saying - such as your place should be clean, neat, and smell-free (or preferably smell good). However, keep in mind that it should look "lived in" and not like you just spent six hours cleaning it before she came over. You want her to be "impressed" but also comfortable.
However, the main thing to remember is that when this beautiful lady enters your place, she's looking to make an assessment of your personality, to find out what kind of person you really are, and trying to decide whether or not the two of you might be compatible (either short-term or long-term depending on her goals).
The following list, while by no means complete, consists of some of the "essentials" of a dynamic bachelor pad. You may not want or need everything listed here, but try to incorporate as many of the following as possible into your current place... especially before bringing the girl of your dreams over. Some do require you to spend a few bucks. But you should find it to be a good investment... especially if you're following the other love tactics discussed on this site.
Entertainment - Your bachelor pad should be entertaining. By "entertaining" I mean that this is a place where you two will be spending some time (hopefully) so you need, at minimum, a decent TV, stereo, and VCR. You should also have some games available - maybe a deck of cards, a backgammon board, and some other board games you like to play. Conversation is great, but nobody wants to talk all the time. You should have interesting things to DO.
Couch - Large, soft, and comfortable. Your couch is the focal point of your living room. It's the place where you and she will get to know one another, where you two will drink wine and listen to music, where you two can kick back and watch TV, and most likely where you'll make your first "move." Be sure to keep it spotless... which can be tough if that's where you prefer to eat. And please, no love seats. If she has to choose between being cramped with you in a love seat or relaxing in a nice comfortable chair across the room, she just might choose the chair.
Coffee Table - Have an interesting book or two and some magazines lying across it - things that she can browse through while waiting. Books should have great titles or interesting pictures. The magazines you choose to display will help to reveal your personality and solidify the "impression" you're trying to make. So choose them wisely.
Live Plants - Note the key word: LIVE. Not plastic and not dying. Several scattered throughout your apartment. Most guys don't want to deal with the responsibility of plants... but they are essential for adding COLOR and ATMOSPHERE to your place while setting yourself apart from those irresponsible types. Boys don't own plants. Men do. And if you don't have a green thumb don't worry. Simply go to the nursery and ask the guy working there for something that's "hard to kill."
Framed Photos - Maybe in a bookcase or on a table. She will gravitate toward these... looking for clues as to what you value, who you are, and where you've been. Pictures of family members, friends, trips you've taken, and pets are good. Old girlfriends and Ms. July are not.
Framed Art - On the wall in the living room, bedroom, and maybe even the dining room and bathroom depending on how big your place is. Cheap posters are not allowed. Ideally this art will have a SUBTLE sexual aspect to it... to create the right mood. This is your "bachelor" pad after all. Pick out something that you not only like but that also says "a suave, worldly gentleman lives here."
Music - Music should be easily available in most every part of the house or apartment. If you have an impressive CD collection, this should be displayed prominently in a nice CD rack. She'll enjoy browsing through these. Having a VARIETY of music is a plus as it indicates you are both worldly and complex. And make sure you have some smooth jazz for those romantic, candlelit dinners. You might also want to compile a special cassette of soft romantic dinner music.
Atmosphere Lighting - Your living room light (and ideally dining room and bedroom too) should dim to help create a soft and sexy atmosphere. And when you turn the light on, make sure not to turn it on "full blast." Nothing kills a romantic mood like bright light shining in your eyes.
Bathroom - If she's in your apartment for more than ten minutes, she WILL go to your bathroom... and check it out. (If she doesn't go to your bathroom, then you just might have yourself one of them there transvestites on your hands. Proceed with caution.) Needless to say, the bathtub, shower, toilet, and sink should be spotless. You might also add one of those cleaning balls to your toilet to make the water colorful. That's always a nice touch. You may also want to add some type of scent to your bathroom by placing a couple of "stick up" type things in out of sight locations.
Big Fluffy Towels - She'll be repulsed by those small, thin towels with all the carefully crafted holes that you've been using for the last 14 years. BIG and FLUFFY will get her purring as she starts imagining herself draped in them... after a hot relaxing shower... with you. And dark blues or dark greens tend to convey more of a "manly" impression.
Extra Toilet Paper - In plain view... so she doesn't have to go rummaging through your cabinets. But it shouldn't just be sitting there. The extra roll should be set up as almost a decoration in the bathroom... maybe in a little basket with some other interesting things.
Around The Sink - Most guys keep every type of personal item that they've used since the last time they moved piled messily around the bathroom sink. Needless to say this is not good. Most of your stuff should be kept in the bathroom cabinets out of sight. You'll want to place only a few select things around your sink. And you choose these carefully in order to convey the proper impression. A couple different types of cologne (expensive not cheap), aftershave lotion, liquid hand soap, box of tissues, a nice toothbrush holder (with a new-looking toothbrush), expensive hair gel, and a couple other things of your choosing should do the trick.
Shower Curtain - A shower curtain can make or break a bathroom as most bathrooms are pretty small. Spending a few bucks here would be a great investment.
Tissues - Boxes of these in the living room, bathroom, bedroom, and everywhere else. Women love tissues. And if she decides she wants one, and happens to find a box nearby, she'll be mighty impressed.
Extra New Toothbrush - In case things go well and she decides to spend the night. A nice extra touch that is sure to impress her the next morning. However, you might want to fall a little short of hinting that she use it.
Prestigious Shampoo and Conditioner - Even though you prefer rubbing your head with a bar of Dial, don't let her know that. Make her think you actually care about yourself and treat yourself well. Have a nice bottle of shampoo and conditioner prominently displayed in the shower. (Paul Mitchell is great.) As with all personal products, the idea is to create the impression that you actually care about and respect yourself. Cheap personal products, even if you prefer them and think they're better, will create the exact opposite impression.
A Man's Bed - Queen is probably the best size. Big enough for two, but not so big that it looks odd in a single guy's place. And make sure that you have the bed on a nice frame. An old mattress in the corner may have been fine when you were a college freshman, but you're a MAN now. And real men sleep in real beds, preferably with real women beside them.
Big Fluffy Pillows - Again, women like big and fluffy. If you can't sleep with big and fluffy, have a different one that you use when sleeping alone.
Cool Sheets and Comforter - When she walks by your bedroom door, she's going to look in and check out the bed. Whether or not she can VISUALIZE herself sleeping there is of the utmost importance... unless, of course, you're satisfied with just being friends. Your sheets and comforter should be attractive, comfortable-looking, and INTERESTING. Plain, boring, and dull has no place in your bedroom. Do you really think she wants to sleep with a guy who's plain, boring, or dull? Again dark colors convey that "manly" impression that you want to make.
Condoms - Keep a variety of kinds in your nightstand or dresser near the bed. Always be prepared. You might actually one day somehow someway manage to get lucky. Yeeehaaa!
Wine - You should have at least one good bottle of wine available... to drink with dinner, after dinner, or just because. Good doesn't necessarily mean expensive. You can get a great bottle of wine for $10 or so (such as Napa Ridge Pinot Noir or Chardonnay). Wine glasses, though not required, would really frame you as a man of taste. Ask advice from the guy at the wine store if it's not your area of expertise. Or better yet, buy a book and become an expert.
Beer - If your potential squeeze likes beer. And not just any beer. You can drink that cheap crap when you're by yourself or watching the game with your buddies, but when she's over you need something different. It should taste great and ideally be something she's never had before... to set yourself apart from all the ordinary guys. (Rolling Rock is great and fairly inexpensive in the USA.)
Non-Alcoholic Beverages - A variety of beverages including orange juice, soda, milk, tea, and bottled water. Variety is the key so you're sure you've got something she might like.
Ice Cream - And not the Food Lion brand either. Dove Bars, Haagen Daaz, or some other delicious, expensive treat will really "warm" her up.
And last but certainly not least...
A Vacuum Cleaner - Buy one and learn to use it. Most guys NEVER vacuum. If your lady has a sensitive nose she'll be able to sense this as soon as she enters. This can be an especially bad problem when pets are involved.
So there you have it. The essentials of a swingin' bachelor pad. We could, of course, add a number of other things. But if you focus on those things listed above, not only will you pass her test, but she may not leave for days!
Read more!
A BULLETPROOF IDENTITY
span.fullpost {display:none;}
When you're interested in getting a woman
that is QUALITY, that is beyond all the
silly games and pick up lines, a woman that
can't be found at the drunken clubs, there
is one thing that counts more than anything
else:
An identity that is so strong, so stable, that
it can't be shaken by any external pressure
or force.
This has nothing to do with being a stubborn
or close-minded jerk, what it means is that
you are so comfortable with your identity
that you don't feel under "attack" no matter
what other people including a woman
might say or think.
A woman is attracted to a man like this
because it means he has the emotional stability
to stay calm and see things straight when
everyone else is going crazy, getting stressed,
or panicking, or even feeling insulted when
nothing really happened.
A woman who is of the highest caliber is a
woman who also has the social intelligence as
well, and she knows that a good relationship
that is fun and healthy and strong requires
this type of foundation of a super strong
sense of identity. And she ESPECIALLY
is expecting that YOU as THE MAN
should have this trait.
After all, it's the classic definition of being
a MAN to be emotionally stable and to be
able to weather the emotional storms that
life throws our way no matter who you are.
Now, I can give you endless examples of
how this bullet-proof identity behavior LOOKS:
It means you don't see NEGATIVITY where
it doesn't exist.
So, for example, if a woman makes a joke to you,
you see it as a joke, and not as an insult.
It's not always EASY though to do this, when
you're dealing with a woman who seems so
beautiful that you DOUBT your value, that
you start to feel that possibly you don't
"have what it takes". So then you start
thinking that maybe she meant something
less than positive.
i.e. If a woman says that she likes your hat
and that it's a "poor boy" hat, and this woman
is extremely beautiful, and you happen to think
she would never go out with you for real, you might
take the comment to mean that she meant an
INSULT. That she was trying to say it looks
cheap.
But, if you have a bulletproof identity, you
are more likely to realize THE TRUTH,
that the name of the actual HAT is called
"poor boy" style and that it's actually
a compliment and she means it's COOL.
The crazy thing is that a woman can tell so
much about your sense of identity from
NUANCES in your behavior, and there
is no way on earth that a guy can hide
behind a pick-up line to convince a woman
he is the kind of man she has dreamt about
unless he actually DEVELOPS this strength
in himself for real.
The pick-up line is irrelevant, if the man has
developed the internal strength, then it will
show even THROUGH a pick up line and
she will be attracted. And of course it will
show when he goes directly up to her
WITHOUT the pick-up line, IF he has
developed the bullet-proof identity.
And there is a WAY to develop this strength,
it is PROVEN, and it works:
The key is to start SLOWLY, you must start
SOMEWHERE. For example, if you think
that you can't possibly go up to a woman
and have a conversation without a pick-up
line, then what you must do is go up to her
and promise yourself that you WILL chat
even if you think and are sure that you DO
sound terrible.
The very ACT of going AGAINST your
weakness and NOT giving in to it makes
you STRONGER. So, after forcing yourself
to STAY in the interaction even if it felt
HORRIBLE and even if it went TERRIBLY,
if you do it SEVERAL TIMES then your
concerns and fears WILL start to go AWAY.
And THAT will free up your emotions to now
operate on a much HIGHER level, so that you
are far more RESOURCEFUL and you are able
to actually allow your NATURAL vibes to
shine through.
This happens because after doing it several times,
your emotions GET STRONGER in the COOLEST
way. I say the COOLEST way because it's not
that you become MEAN or anything, but rather
you become CALMER and actually in a more
upbeat state as well--because you realize that
YOU are in control of your every emotion and
that the woman is no longer a source of
worry or concern.
So that frees you to actually feel GOOD and
your emotional and mental processors can
operate at maximum efficiency, allowing you
to be cool, funny, charming, NATURALLY.
And you get better and better.
It doesn't matter what your challenge
is- THAT specific challenge is the
one you need to make sure you face
the most!
If you are offended too easily by jokes,
then IMMERSE yourself in a situation
where you are going to get a LOT of
that, knowing that it will make you
stronger. Take deep breaths when
feeling the pressure, realize that
the stress is coming from your
own OLD AND WRONG perceptions
of the situation.
If you avoid talking to groups of
women, then make sure to ESPECIALLY
do this, talk to huge groups of
women.
The thing is, that most guys will NEVER do this.
Because the INITIAL work seems so HARD.
The road seems so LONG to becoming a
"master".
But if you just knew how PROGRESS is massively
MOTIVATING, and that in reality in just a few
WEEKS of regular practice, you can improve
MASSIVELY and actually get GOOD.
In the beginning, it's the toughest, because
your mind and emotions are NOT USED
to it.
You are not used to approaching the women
of your choice.
You are not USED to BELIEVING in your
own value being of SKYROCKETING
proportions.
You are not used to being in middle of an
interaction with women so beautiful that
you feel your knees melting.
You have to get your emotions in CONDITION,
the same way you get your MUSCLES in
condition by going to the GYM to lift weight.
When you first start lifting weights, even the
LIGHT weight feels extremely HEAVY.
Then you look around at the other people in
the gym lifting heavy, and you think and feel
like you are SO FAR AWAY from their
progress. It seems impossible.
But if you just hang in there, and stick around
for the TOUGH part in the beginning, and you
EXPOSE yourself to the PRESSURE, and you
RESIST the gravity, you resist the pressure to
DROP the weights, well then you start to see
PROGRESS, little by little.
You look back at the weights you once struggled
with, and you can't believe it used to be tough.
Until you take a LAY-OFF and you miss the
gym for a while. Then, when you return,
you notice that you have LOST some strength,
and you have to FIGHT AGAINST THE
WEAKNESS, you have to RESIST
the force of GRAVITY bearing down on you
with the weights.
And you slowly get your strength back from
this RESISTANCE.
Similarly, with your emotions, you have to first
KNOW that the only way to get stronger internally
is to not run away from the weakness, but instead
to CONFRONT it, again and again, till you get
STRONGER and you start to FEEL and realize
that those thing you feared are actually nothing.
If it's a woman in a lingerie store, and it seems
crazy to you to try to go in there to pick her up,
then you can start with something smaller, like
chatting up the cashier at the grocery store- but
you must start SOMEWHERE and you must
INCREASE THE "RESISTANCE" PROGRESSIVELY.
You must take the emotional "stakes" up a notch,
regularly, whether it's every week or every day,
you have to gradually INCREASE the "intensity"
on your fears, or you will not grow. And just
know in the back of your mind that it DOES
work, so that you STICK through the hard
times.
Just like in working out, sometimes you have
a tough sticking point i.e. you can't lift any
heavier, but if you keep training properly,
you eventually PASS that point and you
can lift even MORE and the old weight
now feels EASY.
Sometimes I think the whole point of the body
is just to show us how our MIND actually works,
because the truth is that the MIND is even
MORE limitless, yet the "training process"
works in similar ways.
For example, the truth is that most people do
"self-affirmations" in the WRONG way.
They say them half-heartedly, and they don't
STICK with them and BUILD their intensity.
But here is the PROPER way to use a self-affirmation.
Let's say you want to get to the point that you truly
BELIEVE you are worth a woman who is super
beautiful and intelligent, and a great person.
Well, the FIRST time you say this to yourself,
you might not really feel it internally.
In fact, if you've been through a lot of hell like
I was with women, you might not even be able
to SAY the words at all. It might feel like
HELL to force yourself to SAY THE WORDS
when you truly don't feel it at ALL.
I remember that pain very damn well.
And I know something you can do now to
CHANGE that.
So the first day, your workout might be simply
to get the WORDS out, and say it ten times.
That would be like doing a set of ten "reps" in
the gym of a weight that might look like to others,
but if someone is new at the gym, it's actually
quite a workout.
And then, back to the affirmations, the next day
you would say them with some more EMOTION,
some more CONVICTION in your heart.
Maybe you would be able to squeeze out the
affirmation "I am a super desirable man that is
totally worthy of a super desirable woman,
a woman who will cherish me" 3 times with
actual conviction, and 7 times just saying
the words.
But as you progressed, every day a bit, you
would soon get to the point that you were
saying the words NATURALLY with
GENUINE BELIEF, they would flow
EASILY from your mind.
If you haven't actually TRIED this, then I
URGE YOU TO DO IT.
The reason so few people get results is because
they don't do it PROPERLY or CONSISTENTLY,
just like most people don't work out properly
or consistently in the gym.
And yet, if you work on your mind, you will
see the potential is LIMITLESS, and so are
your opportunities with women- women
are DEEPLY attracted to men who have
the REAL goods and aren't just learning
superficial tricks to appeal to them.
And if you want to learn the FULL PICTURE
on HOW to develop your natural ability
with women in every way, I suggest you
get my Seduction Mastery
Apprenticeship Program CD Set.
This program will develop your inner
identity to make you stand out to women
from all the other men she meets.
This is the way it's been done since
ancient times - it's the classic way
of the MAN. No cheesy artificial tactics.
You will be attracting her through the
power of who you have become internally.
It's at:
http://thedatingwizard.com/seductionmastery.htm
And of course, if you haven't yet downloaded my eBook,
The Dating Wizard: Secrets to Success with Women,
then do that NOW.
It's at:
http://thedatingwizard.com/ebook.htm
If you would like to get PRIVATE coaching,
one-on-one with me at your side as your
exclusive instructor, just send me an
email at:
Michael@TheDatingWizard.com
Till next time,
Michael
(c) 2008 The Dating Wizard
All Rights Reserved.
COPYRIGHT PROTECTION OF THIS
ENTIRE NEWSLETTER AND ALL
THE DATING WIZARD MATERIAL,
INCLUDING THE PRESENTATION
FORMAT AND CONTENT OF THIS
NEWSLETTER, WILL BE STRICTLY
ENFORCED.
THE DATING WIZARD:
THE WAY TO A WOMAN'S HEART
ALL RIGHTS RESERVED.
*************************************
Disclaimer: This is a complimentary
newsletter teaching men how to be more
successful at meeting women and dating.
The information here, as well as in
my website,book and in my consultations,
is a personal opinion and should be used
for entertainment only.
You are responsible for what you do
with it, and it's up to you to make sure
your actions with women are legal and
consensual.
Nothing from The Dating Wizard's website,
book,newsletter, or consultations is to
be considered legal or personal advice.
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we apologize. You can unlist yourself
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CA
Read more!
that is QUALITY, that is beyond all the
silly games and pick up lines, a woman that
can't be found at the drunken clubs, there
is one thing that counts more than anything
else:
An identity that is so strong, so stable, that
it can't be shaken by any external pressure
or force.
This has nothing to do with being a stubborn
or close-minded jerk, what it means is that
you are so comfortable with your identity
that you don't feel under "attack" no matter
what other people including a woman
might say or think.
A woman is attracted to a man like this
because it means he has the emotional stability
to stay calm and see things straight when
everyone else is going crazy, getting stressed,
or panicking, or even feeling insulted when
nothing really happened.
A woman who is of the highest caliber is a
woman who also has the social intelligence as
well, and she knows that a good relationship
that is fun and healthy and strong requires
this type of foundation of a super strong
sense of identity. And she ESPECIALLY
is expecting that YOU as THE MAN
should have this trait.
After all, it's the classic definition of being
a MAN to be emotionally stable and to be
able to weather the emotional storms that
life throws our way no matter who you are.
Now, I can give you endless examples of
how this bullet-proof identity behavior LOOKS:
It means you don't see NEGATIVITY where
it doesn't exist.
So, for example, if a woman makes a joke to you,
you see it as a joke, and not as an insult.
It's not always EASY though to do this, when
you're dealing with a woman who seems so
beautiful that you DOUBT your value, that
you start to feel that possibly you don't
"have what it takes". So then you start
thinking that maybe she meant something
less than positive.
i.e. If a woman says that she likes your hat
and that it's a "poor boy" hat, and this woman
is extremely beautiful, and you happen to think
she would never go out with you for real, you might
take the comment to mean that she meant an
INSULT. That she was trying to say it looks
cheap.
But, if you have a bulletproof identity, you
are more likely to realize THE TRUTH,
that the name of the actual HAT is called
"poor boy" style and that it's actually
a compliment and she means it's COOL.
The crazy thing is that a woman can tell so
much about your sense of identity from
NUANCES in your behavior, and there
is no way on earth that a guy can hide
behind a pick-up line to convince a woman
he is the kind of man she has dreamt about
unless he actually DEVELOPS this strength
in himself for real.
The pick-up line is irrelevant, if the man has
developed the internal strength, then it will
show even THROUGH a pick up line and
she will be attracted. And of course it will
show when he goes directly up to her
WITHOUT the pick-up line, IF he has
developed the bullet-proof identity.
And there is a WAY to develop this strength,
it is PROVEN, and it works:
The key is to start SLOWLY, you must start
SOMEWHERE. For example, if you think
that you can't possibly go up to a woman
and have a conversation without a pick-up
line, then what you must do is go up to her
and promise yourself that you WILL chat
even if you think and are sure that you DO
sound terrible.
The very ACT of going AGAINST your
weakness and NOT giving in to it makes
you STRONGER. So, after forcing yourself
to STAY in the interaction even if it felt
HORRIBLE and even if it went TERRIBLY,
if you do it SEVERAL TIMES then your
concerns and fears WILL start to go AWAY.
And THAT will free up your emotions to now
operate on a much HIGHER level, so that you
are far more RESOURCEFUL and you are able
to actually allow your NATURAL vibes to
shine through.
This happens because after doing it several times,
your emotions GET STRONGER in the COOLEST
way. I say the COOLEST way because it's not
that you become MEAN or anything, but rather
you become CALMER and actually in a more
upbeat state as well--because you realize that
YOU are in control of your every emotion and
that the woman is no longer a source of
worry or concern.
So that frees you to actually feel GOOD and
your emotional and mental processors can
operate at maximum efficiency, allowing you
to be cool, funny, charming, NATURALLY.
And you get better and better.
It doesn't matter what your challenge
is- THAT specific challenge is the
one you need to make sure you face
the most!
If you are offended too easily by jokes,
then IMMERSE yourself in a situation
where you are going to get a LOT of
that, knowing that it will make you
stronger. Take deep breaths when
feeling the pressure, realize that
the stress is coming from your
own OLD AND WRONG perceptions
of the situation.
If you avoid talking to groups of
women, then make sure to ESPECIALLY
do this, talk to huge groups of
women.
The thing is, that most guys will NEVER do this.
Because the INITIAL work seems so HARD.
The road seems so LONG to becoming a
"master".
But if you just knew how PROGRESS is massively
MOTIVATING, and that in reality in just a few
WEEKS of regular practice, you can improve
MASSIVELY and actually get GOOD.
In the beginning, it's the toughest, because
your mind and emotions are NOT USED
to it.
You are not used to approaching the women
of your choice.
You are not USED to BELIEVING in your
own value being of SKYROCKETING
proportions.
You are not used to being in middle of an
interaction with women so beautiful that
you feel your knees melting.
You have to get your emotions in CONDITION,
the same way you get your MUSCLES in
condition by going to the GYM to lift weight.
When you first start lifting weights, even the
LIGHT weight feels extremely HEAVY.
Then you look around at the other people in
the gym lifting heavy, and you think and feel
like you are SO FAR AWAY from their
progress. It seems impossible.
But if you just hang in there, and stick around
for the TOUGH part in the beginning, and you
EXPOSE yourself to the PRESSURE, and you
RESIST the gravity, you resist the pressure to
DROP the weights, well then you start to see
PROGRESS, little by little.
You look back at the weights you once struggled
with, and you can't believe it used to be tough.
Until you take a LAY-OFF and you miss the
gym for a while. Then, when you return,
you notice that you have LOST some strength,
and you have to FIGHT AGAINST THE
WEAKNESS, you have to RESIST
the force of GRAVITY bearing down on you
with the weights.
And you slowly get your strength back from
this RESISTANCE.
Similarly, with your emotions, you have to first
KNOW that the only way to get stronger internally
is to not run away from the weakness, but instead
to CONFRONT it, again and again, till you get
STRONGER and you start to FEEL and realize
that those thing you feared are actually nothing.
If it's a woman in a lingerie store, and it seems
crazy to you to try to go in there to pick her up,
then you can start with something smaller, like
chatting up the cashier at the grocery store- but
you must start SOMEWHERE and you must
INCREASE THE "RESISTANCE" PROGRESSIVELY.
You must take the emotional "stakes" up a notch,
regularly, whether it's every week or every day,
you have to gradually INCREASE the "intensity"
on your fears, or you will not grow. And just
know in the back of your mind that it DOES
work, so that you STICK through the hard
times.
Just like in working out, sometimes you have
a tough sticking point i.e. you can't lift any
heavier, but if you keep training properly,
you eventually PASS that point and you
can lift even MORE and the old weight
now feels EASY.
Sometimes I think the whole point of the body
is just to show us how our MIND actually works,
because the truth is that the MIND is even
MORE limitless, yet the "training process"
works in similar ways.
For example, the truth is that most people do
"self-affirmations" in the WRONG way.
They say them half-heartedly, and they don't
STICK with them and BUILD their intensity.
But here is the PROPER way to use a self-affirmation.
Let's say you want to get to the point that you truly
BELIEVE you are worth a woman who is super
beautiful and intelligent, and a great person.
Well, the FIRST time you say this to yourself,
you might not really feel it internally.
In fact, if you've been through a lot of hell like
I was with women, you might not even be able
to SAY the words at all. It might feel like
HELL to force yourself to SAY THE WORDS
when you truly don't feel it at ALL.
I remember that pain very damn well.
And I know something you can do now to
CHANGE that.
So the first day, your workout might be simply
to get the WORDS out, and say it ten times.
That would be like doing a set of ten "reps" in
the gym of a weight that might look like to others,
but if someone is new at the gym, it's actually
quite a workout.
And then, back to the affirmations, the next day
you would say them with some more EMOTION,
some more CONVICTION in your heart.
Maybe you would be able to squeeze out the
affirmation "I am a super desirable man that is
totally worthy of a super desirable woman,
a woman who will cherish me" 3 times with
actual conviction, and 7 times just saying
the words.
But as you progressed, every day a bit, you
would soon get to the point that you were
saying the words NATURALLY with
GENUINE BELIEF, they would flow
EASILY from your mind.
If you haven't actually TRIED this, then I
URGE YOU TO DO IT.
The reason so few people get results is because
they don't do it PROPERLY or CONSISTENTLY,
just like most people don't work out properly
or consistently in the gym.
And yet, if you work on your mind, you will
see the potential is LIMITLESS, and so are
your opportunities with women- women
are DEEPLY attracted to men who have
the REAL goods and aren't just learning
superficial tricks to appeal to them.
And if you want to learn the FULL PICTURE
on HOW to develop your natural ability
with women in every way, I suggest you
get my Seduction Mastery
Apprenticeship Program CD Set.
This program will develop your inner
identity to make you stand out to women
from all the other men she meets.
This is the way it's been done since
ancient times - it's the classic way
of the MAN. No cheesy artificial tactics.
You will be attracting her through the
power of who you have become internally.
It's at:
http://thedatingwizard.com/seductionmastery.htm
And of course, if you haven't yet downloaded my eBook,
The Dating Wizard: Secrets to Success with Women,
then do that NOW.
It's at:
http://thedatingwizard.com/ebook.htm
If you would like to get PRIVATE coaching,
one-on-one with me at your side as your
exclusive instructor, just send me an
email at:
Michael@TheDatingWizard.com
Till next time,
Michael
(c) 2008 The Dating Wizard
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You are responsible for what you do
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